ME, MYSELF AND I

THE FEAR....pt 1

2012-02-07T16:58:00.000-06:00

“When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”-Audre Lorde

I’m a “type A” personality. This type of personality was originally described as a potential risk factor for heart disease (I can believe it) in the 1950’s by cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Mike Jordan. The theory describes the Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, time-conscious, and tightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence. I hate to say it…but this almost describes me perfectly.

This is probably a huge reason I don’t function well in dating situations. There is so much grey area at times and for a Type A personality like me…that just doesn’t match up very well with my logical sensibilities. It’s why I work in business…in finance in particular. Finance makes sense to me…there is no grey area in the stock market…it is either up or down. Dating, love, and matters of the heart…well it’s not always so simple and plain. I guess that’s why I have checked out of the dating scene for a while. When I find myself in dating experiences and I start to enter that dreaded “grey area” portion of the experience…I tend to check out. I’m starting to wonder…why? Am I really that impatient? Or is it just FEAR manifesting itself in my life?

In dating, I would describe the grey area as that period of time where you know you are both attracted and there is an interest BUT…you haven’t established if the two of you are a good fit for a committed relationship. Every dating experience has this period of time…it’s necessary to determine a life partner. And like I said…LOGICALLY…I get it…I just don’t like it. When I ask myself what makes me so uncomfortable about this period in dating…it all comes right back to one thing….FEAR! Truth is…this is the period of time when you are revealing more and more of yourself to someone else, slowly allowing them in and becoming more and more emotionally exposed and vulnerable to them. It’s the time period when you need to express how you feel about another person without having any guarantee that those feelings will be reciprocated. Yeah…that right there…scares the hell outta me. Why you ask? Because now the emotion is there which in turn means…my chances of getting hurt or rejected increase. I don’t like feeling vulnerable…it completely goes against my personality to express my emotions to another individual without fully knowing where they stand with me. I can’t express it enough…I absolutely hate it!!

So what do I do? I’m logical enough to know that if a relationship is something that I’m ready for ...being open and vulnerable is necessary. WHY IS THIS SO HARD? It’s hard because I’m a control freak and relationships and matters of the heart aren’t things to be controlled. The heart wants what it wants. It’s hard because although I have forgiven previous heartaches…I have remembered the pain they caused me and I’m scared of feeling that way again.

It’s hard because…I’M READY… (There…I said it…*sighs*)

The Audition

2012-02-06T15:29:00.000-06:00

“I have had the auditioning process go on for weeks. I am always incredibly anxious. The audition and the wait after is definitely the hardest part for me. “-Joe Lando

I have a deep love for theatre. I grew up in it. My dad is an actor and from the time I was a little girl, I can remember watching him rehearse and practice endless monologues while preparing for an important audition. After another conversation with my dad about acting and the “Craft”, I got to thinking…Isn’t dating much like an audition anyway? I mean, think about it. In any new dating situation, you are really auditioning for the leading man/woman part in a potential’s life. And just like any audition, you never really know what competition you are up against. Is your audition essentially a “cattle call” where anyone and everyone can show up regardless of qualifications or talent? Is your audition “selective”, meaning only a few qualified and talented individuals been called upon? Who knows? Some “actors” may have taken the easy road to the role of a lifetime by taking a seat on that casting couch. But the truth of it all is that THERE is always competition. Sometimes while dating, we can allow our egos to get in the way and we refuse to believe that despite how wonderful you are…you really are just one of many in this phase.

The audition process can be a mind numbing, stressful experience. Truthfully, most of us spend most of our lives “rehearsing” for the prime role of leading man/leading lady yet many of us only wind up cast as extras or even told, “Thank you for your time” as you are shown the exit door. After all the practicing and rehearsing, when the opportunity arises to “audition” some of us choke as a direct result of not having the confidence to go through the process. We begin to second guess our abilities and talents and it always shows during an audition. Confidence, personality and preparation are key when auditioning for such an important role. Then once the audition process has finished, there is the dreaded waiting period. Waiting for that 2nd, 3rd, 4th callback. Then the process begins all over again this time with less competition but competition nonetheless. It’s during this time that areas appear most grey….the time spent where you begin to question, could I have done this? Said this? Wore this? Acted more like?....I call this the “should’ve…would’ve…could have” phase. It can be a mind wrecking experience where you become overwhelmed with self doubt and the inherent need to over analyze EVERYTHING.

I like to look at the audition process as a dating training ground of sorts. Most actors will tell you part of doing this job is understanding that rejection comes with it. You have to be strong and have a very tough skin. Despite all of the rejection an actor may face, they are confident enough to believe in their talents and go on audition after audition because they know that one day, they will be a perfect fit for leading role in a production perfectly suited for them. The same holds true for us single folk, dating is process and some roles just may not be a good fit for you. It’s no reason to angrily or bitterly retreat but rather embrace the “rehearsals” that these auditions provide. The dating process allows us to really understand what we want, what we need and what we have to offer. So in truth, you may not be the right fit for this particular part. Be patient. You don’t have to audition for every single role out there. Make sure you pick the right part with the right script. Then when the time comes …get ready…taking all the lessons you’ve learned on your journey, walk into that audition exuding confidence and personality knowing that you have prepared for this role and are ready to show someone who you really are. Who knows…one day you just may hear those words….”Congratulations…YOU GOT THE PART!”

THE YEAR OF EXECUTION...

2012-02-03T15:47:00.000-06:00

EXECUTE: “To carry out; accomplish; to perform or do; to produce in accordance with a plan or design”

This year I chose EXECUTE as my word for 2012. I don’t make resolutions, I make intentions and each year I hold myself accountable to the word I’ve chosen. It was my desire that this year, I finally carry out some of the plans that have been in my head for a while. Starting over is never easy…in fact…it has probably been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my life. In the process, I’ve been schooled, humbled, and quite honestly…I’ve had my very foundation completely broken down in order to rebuild on a bigger and stronger one. It took me a while to figure out what was really going on and why? (Lots of angry conversations with God) But…last year I finally got it. It was time for me to really go to a new place…and last year was the year it all came out…anything I had been hiding had been forced to be revealed and I in turn was finally forced to deal with things I had buried very deep inside. It was an emotional awakening of sorts. One of my goals in life is to live authentically in everything I do and I realized last year…while I had made some great strides in that goal…God wasn’t thru with me yet. There was still a purging and a healing that had to take place before he could move me to this next level…and so here it is...the 1st quarter of 2012 and already some things are happening around me to show me that I’m moving in the right direction.

My friendships are changing, some are ending, some are growing closer and I’m in a good place with it all. I always know I’m moving closer to where I’m supposed to be when people and things are removed from my life so I embrace change always. I am so fortunate to have the circle of friends that I do…women that are not only a joy to have around but confident, focused, positive, and strong women that have many qualities that I respect and admire. They continue to teach me, make me think about things I wouldn’t have otherwise and they truly love me in return. Friends who “get me”, understand me, aren’t judgmental with me, aren’t afraid to tell me the truth and hold me accountable and truthfully…get in my ass when I get in one of those funks! They are an awesome group of women that I’m grateful to call my friends or my sistah circle. In this day and age where I feel like the only thing you see is black female interpersonal relationships at a all time low…it pleases me to know that I can honestly say my girls and I are tight! Like really tight! I love it…we are mothers, wives, girlfriends, single ladies, corporate chicks, graduates and stay at home moms who laugh, joke, take care of so many people, play date with kids and yet still make time to party and have a great time!

Then there is my dating life…I’m seeing a shift in my thinking there too and that’s probably caught me off guard the most. Every since I ended my serial dating binge, I decided to just chill and focus on me for a while. I wanted to really get comfortable with being alone and in my own space. After all, when you think about it…I haven’t had a time in my adult life that I wasn’t part of a relationship or dating someone. Truthfully…I was exhausted and depleted. I just needed some time to be selfish. I didn’t’ want to think about what we were doing, or where we were going…I just wanted to do my own thing. Funny thing is…the men started coming out of the woodworks when I decided to walk away from the dating thing! (Isn’t that how it always happens? LOL) I needed time alone without a man to just refocus, regroup and do my own thing. I realized there was still a lot of collateral damage left in me from my marriage and last year…was the year I finally just dealt with it…accepting the inevitable truth about him and about myself. So much more than infidelity and abuse but the words spoken and unspoken between us had really caused me to question men and their intentions not to mention…my choices. To say I had trust issues with both men and myself would be an understatement. I mean…don’t get me wrong… I’m definitely not “Marriage minded” but I am becoming more “relationship ready”. Commitment still is a scary thing to me but I’m more open to it. (Like I have said over and over…it’s going to take a very special man to capture my heart) I’m still dealing with that ever present “fear factor” when it comes to dating and I’m trying to navigate my way through it and learn how to trust my choices and decisions when it comes to my heart but at least there has been some progress. I have spent a few years trying to downplay certain parts of my personality out of fear that they would be used against me or considered weak by the opposite sex. Last year, I finally broke that shackle. I had a very traumatic, painful and hurtful marriage that in essence, changed me….but it was over and I had sense enough to finally leave so why was I bringing all the baggage along into the new phase in my life and subsequent new relationships? Now I find myself dating differently, dating with intention and purpose, dating with a desire for fun and friendship first instead of all the romantic musings….dating with a clear idea of what it is I need, want and desire.

It is amazing what happens when you really embrace the truth…the truth of your past and the reality of the present…only then can you even begin to really conceive of your future. In essence, I am finally embracing the type of woman that I am …and honestly…I FREAKIN LOVE HER and what’s even greater is that she (me) isn’t even at her peak yet!!! It has been both liberating and powerful. When they say the truth shall set you free…I totally get it!

And then there are the other random life happenings that are opening me up, making my mind stretch, pushing me right out of my comfort zone, and challenging my need to control EVERYTHING. I’m going on vacation to one of my favorite romantic destinations alone, running a 8k, skydiving for my birthday and here I am writing again consistently, awakening that creative side in me and watching how life has a funny way of showing you exactly where you need to go and how to get there if you just allow yourself to be still every now and then and just listen and move accordingly…

So yeah…2012 is beginning and I’m learning to relax more, embrace some spontaneity and allowing myself to lose some control and just go with the flow of things…slow and steady...patiently aware of everything that is taking place in my life at this moment and time…quietly observing and listening to the lessons being taught to me in the process…and more importantly…I’m having a DAMN GOOD TIME!!! ;)

Excuse me? Gotta Light?...

2012-01-31T12:25:00.000-06:00

“Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves; just as in the experiment, we need oxygen and a candle to help. The oxygen would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle could be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches.”

-Like Water for Chocolate

“Like water for Chocolate” has got to be one of my favorite love stories. The above referenced quote sums up the romantic, sexual and poetic nature of the book and subsequent movie. In the movie, after the death of Tita’s Sister and Pedro’s wife, Rosaura's death, Pedro and Tita are somewhat free to express their true emotions that they have been holding in for decades, though they try doggedly to keep all desire at bay. After the beautiful wedding of Pedro’s daughter, Esperanza and Alex, Tita and Pedro are finally left on the ranch alone, with no one to keep them apart. These two have loved one another for decades and they make love for the first time without restraint or fear of interruption, and experience bliss so wonderful that Tita views a luminous tunnel leading toward the spirit world. Remembering how John Brown told her of this possibility (see the quote above) and how the soul will return through this tunnel, Tita calms herself so that she might continue living and experiencing her newfound joy with the man she has loved all her life. At the same time, she feels Pedro's heartbeat rapidly accelerate and then cease. He has died and enters the tunnel in a vision afforded him by his bliss. Pedro had been waiting for the moment to make love to his TRUE love. Tita desperately wishes to have gone with him. In order to spark again the inner fire that opened up for her a passage to death, Tita begins to eat match, after match, after match, so that the tunnel again opens itself to Tita, and this time she sees the figure of her beloved Pedro at its end. Tita leaves the world to go to him. When she meets him, their spirit bodies create sparks that set fire to the ranch. The fire is full of beautiful explosions that the townspeople mistake for fireworks celebrating the wedding of Esperanza and Alex. It’s a beautifully poetic ending to a love story that I watch over and over again.

Last night, I finally had an evening where I had nothing to do and nowhere to go so I curled up, grabbed some wine and tissue (I cry a lot during this movie) and begin to watch the movie as if I’ve seen it for the 1st time. As I heard the quote from John Brown in the movie…I couldn’t help but start thinking about that…The Light, The fire, the match, passion… The one who sets your soul and heart on fire and allows you to experience the bliss that only a combination of love, passion and desire can do. Hmmm…is there such a thing? Lately, something has been going on with me…and I’m scared by it. For the most part, I put myself on ice emotionally for a while just to regroup and really figure out what it is I want. I won’t’ say my marriage and subsequent rebound relationship left me bitter but it damn sure left me more realistic. Since my marriage ended, I had been on a serial dating binge and while it was fun and full of new and exciting experiences, dating a bunch of men just became somewhat boring to me. Am I wrong for desiring a man who just lights up something inside of me? I want to feel passion so hot it makes you sweat, I want a man to set fire to my mind with hours of conversation that always leave me craving more. The spark. The Butterfly’s in your stomach….slightly nervous but in a good way…The lightning bolts. Chemistry. That indescribable, undeniable, mental and physical connection between two people that marks the point where friendships transform to romances….

Right now…I’m in new, unfamiliar territory…I’m treading carefully because I’m using my head this time and I want to be cautious without being scared…BUT there are moments of weakness. Moments when I see him and want him to kiss me…moments when he touches me very innocently and in turn I feel that tingle shoot right up my back…Moments when I want to fast forward and just…whew!!! You get my drift right? Let me make it real plain for you…there is enough inside of me right about now to set off my own version of explosions and fireworks…but who’s going to light this fire? Hmmmm??? There are just days…when I desire…touch…skin on skin contact…affection… hmmm like I said earlier… I’m trying to be patient but as the saying goes…”Patience is passion tamed”.

*Sighs and runs to take a cold shower*…

Stay in your lane but if you must switch…at least use your signal…

2012-01-30T22:24:00.000-06:00

There has to be one thing that annoys me to high heaven whendriving. I cannot stand when folks cross over into my lane without using asignal. Coming home from work a guyzipped into my lane and almost caused me to have an accident. I cursed so loud,I’m surprised he didn’t hear me. Later that evening, I started to think…isn’tthe dating game much like a drive on a highway? I mean think about it…at some point each one of us finds ourselves onthe relationship highway trying to head towards that desired destination…LoveStreet. For some it seems like our drivesturn into a cross country trip, for others we run into the express lane andBOOM…we are there. Then there are the rest of us, who seemingly have forgottentheir Dating G.P.S. systems at home and we are delayed in that arrival becauseof all the numerous wrong turns and detours along the way.

You see this dating game is a tricky thing to me and I tendto be a very cautious driver. I’ve had a few accidents over the years and nowit just doesn’t seem too important to get to Love Street so fast. I’m just notas reckless or as much in a rush as I used to be when I was younger. I already know the rules of the road, I wearmy seat belt at all times and I proceed cautiously because I know eventuallyI’ll reach my desired destination. Idon’t know about you but I am trying my best to avoid fender benders, head-on collisions, hit and runs and Imost certainly don’t want to end up on the side of the road as relationship roadkill. I’d rather take my time and getthere at my own pace.

As a single girl allowing herself to get back out there andon the road again. I just wonder how many of us are jumping in and out of otherfolks lanes without using a signal? Do you have someone who pops in and outevery now and then but really never commits to a particular direction..you knowthe type that just can’t seem to figure out what the hell they want to do orwhere they want to go? Or the perpetual crazy driver who just has to zigzagtheir way all the way down the highway, speeding in and out of lanes and havingno idea of the chaos he or she is leaving behind? Do you have someone in your lane driving sofast you can’t keep up with them? Or what about those who cross over into yourlane and then just as you have a nice and steady pace…they slow down and damnnear cause a fender bender.

See when you are driving on that relationship highway, you gotto make sure all of your attentions are focused, you can’t get distractedbecause “drivers” can come out of nowhere and before you know it…you could bedelayed or worse in an accident. I just wish some drivers were moreconsiderate…does it really hurt to use your signal?

The New Feminist

2012-01-27T12:46:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I posted an article from Madame Noire titled,” Act like a lady…6 ways to embrace your gender role” on Facebook and I had no idea one little article would cause such a stir. Honestly, you would have thought, the article told women to leave their jobs, get home and get knocked up and make sure the casserole was warm and your man’s slippers were in your hand! The response from women was really eye opening. It got me to thinking…what is it about gender roles, especially ours that gets us so damn riled up? I mean, I get it…I’m a woman after all and quite frankly I consider myself to be a feminist too. But maybe my definition of what that means is different from most. As women, we have made some significant strides from previous generations, we are far more educated, skillful, and we multi-task now more than ever. We finally have choices and options and there is nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, I love it. The truth is, I absolutely love being a woman. To me there is nothing greater and more powerful than what I’ve been blessed with physically, mentally and spiritually.

When I read articles like this that say to women, hey it’s ok to embrace those parts of you that make you a woman…your sensitivity, your compassion, your nurturing spirit and show your man those softer sides of you…I get it. Why would a man want someone like himself? I think with all the strides we have made as women…we’ve also begun to reject those inherent feminine qualities as if they are signs of weakness. When in fact, it is those things that make us stronger. “Act like a lady…think like a man”…right? Ummmm I’ll pass and choose to think and act like a lady because that’s how I’m built. There is strength in our femininity. Sometimes I don’t think we realize it…especially in relationships and I understand that too. We have been disrespected on so many levels, denigrated, taken advantage of and such, and unfortunately at most times it has been by our black men. So trust me, I understand the idea of pulling back, and toughening up. Absentee fathers and broken families have made it even easier for woman to hold down both roles, because they have been put in positions where they have no choice but to. I have found myself dealing with that too as I am no longer married and a single parent. It’s hard sometimes for me to allow a man into my space and be a man. I’m used to taking care of stuff, when I have problems I have to deal with them and react to them later. I find other ways to decompress or take the “stress off”. So it’s hard for me to look at a man who knows I have stuff on my mind and be…dare I say that word...VULNERABLE. Let’s just call a spade a spade…we have been hurt and turning into these “hard core…think and act like a man” is nothing more than a protective shield that says…you won’t hurt me…I won’t let your words or actions get to me…I can act just like you and not give a damn. It all stems from fear and mistrust for the opposite sex I think. It’s a reason why some of us couldn’t see a good man coming if he ran up to us with Jesus behind him holding a sign saying…HE’S THE ONE! Not to mention...it’s a huge reason men tend to use words like “Angry Black Woman” and Bitter Black Woman all the time.

Please don’t get me wrong…I’m built tough and my strength and resiliency is something that most couldn’t match because you haven’t lived my story, however, I do know how to allow a man to be a man and that doesn’t make me any weaker in fact…it makes me even stronger. I’m not saying everyone as to see the softer, more feminine side of you, but if you have a man, a real man, who handles his business, takes care of you, takes care of home and family, is open and emotionally available….would it hurt to soften up, cater to him in the way he likes, whatever it may be, or just simply allow him to do what a man does?

I often use my parent’s marriage as an example because it perfectly describes that give and take that is necessary. My mom and dad have worked all my life. In our household, my mom handled the bills, made dinner. My dad, worked, took care of the cars and the yard and made sure things got fixed. And they both split up the housework depending on who was better at what. Would they be “typical gender roles”…maybe? I remember in high school (I went to a feminist all girl school), I came home and saw my mom serving my dad dinner and I got ticked. “Mom…why are you doing that?” You work just like Dad, why you serving him like that?” I swear I’ve never seen my mom more upset. She pulled me to the side and told me as plain as day, “…I don’t serve your dad...I bring him dinner because he works hard all day to provide for this family and when I cook for you and for him…it’s a way I express my love for your dad”. You don’t have to understand it but you better damn well never question it again. As I got older, I began to watch my parents and their interactions a little more closely. Yes they do have very specific gender roles but it’s not because of what my dad thinks a woman is supposed to do or my mom thinking that’s what a man is supposed to do. The things they do for one another are how they express their love, respect and mutual admiration for one another. I’ll tell you like they told me… “A man is the head of the home and the woman is the heart of the home. The home they make together is the body…and the body needs both the head and heart working at 100% EQUALLY to survive. No one part is greater or more important than the other”.

I’m perfectly capable of going to get gas, shoveling snow and get my car fixed, after all…I’m grown but my dad likes to do those things for me. I used to argue him up and down about it…”Dad…I’m grown…I can do it!” I kept thinking my dad wanting to do these things for me meant that in some way he didn’t think I could do it myself. I remember expressing those frustrations to my mom and she very calmly said Danie…that’s just something your dad likes to do because he’s your dad…just let him do it”. Hmm...I got it right then and there. There are just some things men like to do because it makes them feel like men…it doesn’t mean they think you can’t. Somehow women get that twisted sometimes. Thank goodness I’m a little older and wiser. Something’s just aren’t that deep…I allow a man to be a man because he allows me to be a woman. PERIOD.

It’s why we were built for one another….our genetic makeups compliment one another like the Yin/Yang. In no way am I saying be a doormat, or lose yourself in your man, but it’s about reciprocity. He gives me what I need and in turn, I give him what he needs. That kind of relationship only comes when there is truth, trust and friendship and a openness that only comes when you are ready to expose the real you.

The most powerful thing to come out of the feminist movement was the gift of choice. I chose to get married when I was ready…not when society said I should. I chose to have children because my husband and I wanted a family…not because I felt pressured. I choose to embrace my role as a woman because the man (or future man...LOL) in my life has earned it. I choose to give my man what he needs instead of having it demanded on me by society. I choose to bake cookies, and do arts and crafts and play football mom with my kids because I love them, not because it’s what I supposed to do. I choose to educate myself because I wanted to and I have a vision for my own life. I chose to stay at home with my kids when I was married because I wanted to be there for those formative years…not because someone or society said I should. I could go on and on…but you get my drift. It is and will always be MY CHOICE…

At some point…we have to let go of pre-conceived notions of what we are supposed to be and do and embrace what we want to do and just be who we are. I don’t know about you…but for me…that’s just liberating!!!

Easy Cum...Easy Go

2012-01-26T19:32:00.000-06:00

Everyone knows by now that I’m single as the day is long and one thing I am discovering while getting back out here on the dating scene is that most men…DON’T HAVE A CLUE! Now before you jump on me thinking this is a man-bash post…allow me to explain. It’s not a man’s fault…it’s ours. Yep…I said it and broke a cardinal rule of the sisterhood…we have got to do better. What happened to being a lady and demanding to be treated a certain way? It seems that all we do nowadays is settle and it got me to wondering why? Is it because of the disproportionate ratio of black men to women? Is it because we are getting older and scared of being alone? Or is it that we are so confused about who we are and our worth that we will just accept anything?

I said in a previous blog? Do men even know how to date anymore and the truth is…yes they do. They date according to what’s in front of them. Do you act and present yourself like a lady? A man has a keen sense of the type of woman he is dealing with from the jump. They have a very keen sense of smell when it comes to us…they can smell desperate, insecure and easy a mile away. They know fairly early, if you are the “easy” type, meaning you’re the type of woman with no real requirements or if you do have them, you will ignore them just because you are so thirsty to be with someone instead of being patient enough to wait on THE ONE. And I gotta tell you, yall are pissing me and other REAL WOMEN off! You make it harder for us in this dating game because when a man is so used to getting it sooo easy, it takes them some time to readjust to a woman with standards or they just walk away and get their “immediate” needs met by y’all!

We have standards, requirements and clear and concise ideas of what we want and how we want it but yall, with your low standard having selves, have projected the “easy” too much and now the dating scene is flooded with it. So now, men don’t think they have to call…they can just text, men think “ I can go have a drink with her and take her home” instead of actually going on dates and getting to know her before any clothes come off…they think they can call you at the last second or in the wee hours of the morning and we’ll come. Why? BECAUSE YOU MADE IT EASY FOR THEM!!! There are actually men who don’t feel like they have to do anything when it comes to dating and dare I say….courtship. Is it really that serious out here? Are we really that scared of being by ourselves? And if so, it’s no wonder so many of us are single. If you can’t be comfortable being alone with you, why in the hell would a man want to be alone with you?

And the sad thing is…all you “easy” girls aren’t even happy. Most of you are usually in miserable situations. Getting treated like sperm receptacles and left on the relationship highway like road kill. If you’re in a relationship, I’m sure you’ll pretty much accept anything, the lying, cheating, disrespectful behavior men exhibit when they don’t care. In truth…It’s pathetic and it’s time real women hold yall accountable for your actions because it affects us too.

Let me be clear…I’m a REAL GROWN WOMAN and there are sooo many more like me. Women who won’t accept anything less from the man she chooses to give her all too. We are whole and complete, comfortable in our skin and our lives; we desire courtship and real affection from a man who is just as comfortable in his own skin. We are smart and aware of the world around us. You can carry on a conversation with us because we have brains we aren’t afraid to use. Real women aren’t easy to get into bed because they desire something deeper than just sex…they desire intimacy and sex combined. Real women know how to let a man be a man and are comfortable in our roles as women. We don’t run from them, we don’t try to act like men, we embrace being women…ladies…classy, sexy, regal, fun loving, positive, nurturing, encouraging, compassionate…women. And when we LOVE…we love completely with all of our being and it’s empowering for our men because with us…they know they have something far deeper than anything in between your legs. We cherish our bodies and don’t just give them to anyone because the treasure inside is reserved for someone real special..not average. Real women communicate with their mates not just BITCH and Moan. Real women are versatile…we flow from the hood to the boardroom with ease. Real women are independent and self sufficient, and that doesn’t mean I don’t need a man…it just means I don’t need one to complete me…A man is your compliment, your mate, your partner in life, but you have to have your own life to partner with someone else’s right? I mean am I off base here? Really?

Real men aren’t afraid of work. Do you really think a man wants to make you his one and only when you made it effortless for him to get you in bed and become his sex toy to pick up and play with when he feels like it? Men work their asses off to get certain things in life, homes, cars, careers,status etc...You think he wouldn’t do the same for you? Don’t you think you’re worth it? Real men call because they love to hear your voice, they text you just to remind you that you are in their thoughts, real men follow up that they look forward to seeing you again, real men include you in their future…real men plan…real men make their intentions and feelings plain. It’s not hard to recognize a real man when you see it because they stand out.

I’m not trying to come down too hard on my sisters but enough is enough. At the end of the day, a man will only treat you as bad or as cheap as you allow him too. Know your worth before you even step out into the dating scene. The one’s who reject you as “too hard” or “high maintenance” or “too deep” (as I’ve been told) will fall to the side as the real men step up. It’s clear as day to me…patience has and will always be a virtue in this dating scene. What are we in such a rush for anyway? I don’t know…maybe it’s because I’ve been married before that I’m ok with being single. In fact, I relish in it most days. I love my freedom, I love the options being single affords me. My life is drama free and I am not stuck in any dead end relationships and the relationship I love more than anything is the one I have with myself. I have my own life and it’s fabulous and that’s what I project when I meet a man. And it’s that energy, that positive, confident, radiant and amazing energy that will draw the right one to me…and for that...I am just fine with waiting…patiently.

The truth always reveals itself

2010-04-30T11:44:00.001-05:00

They say the truth is the light that shines in the dark…well I had my moment of truth this week. I caught my ex coming out of his home with a new girl. I mean damn…ALREADY! Initially I was devastated…I mean how could he move on so quickly? I cursed the fact that I had a craving for the Jamaican food spot by his house and wished I hadn't seen what I saw but now…the clouds have gone and tears have dried up. I realize it was a blessing in disguise. Now I don't have to wonder about whether or not our time together was a lie. All of the "I love you's" were nothing more than bullshit that I fell for. He had been lying for a while now and now I know…so I don't have to wonder anymore.

It's funny…all this time…I've been thinking he was going thru so much and just needed some time and space but now I see what it really is…he doesn't want to deal with anything that requires some hard work and soul searching. He wants to avoid his problems and have women spread their legs without getting "too deep". So that's cool. I've lost myself in a man before and become emotionally wounded and I vow never to lose myself like that again with anyone.

If I'm honest about how I feel…I can say I love him, miss him and think of him quite a bit but it's not enough for me to sacrifice who I am and what I need. I will always have a standard and some requirements and I'm learning to just be true to myself. I'm a sappy, romantic chick. I believe in love and I believe love will find its way to me some day…in the meantime…. I switch the focus back on me, my children and reaching the goals that I've set for myself this year.

Life moves on…sometimes not the way we plan but it's always in divine order. Take care family!

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired…

2010-04-23T00:41:00.002-05:00

It's been a very long time since I updated my blog and most of it has been due to extreme writers block. I just haven't been in the mood to write….things are coming out of my heart the way they used to and I am afraid I'm becoming a love cynic. At my last blog posting, I was walking thru love's door but as of recently that door has been closed and I have to be honest…it hurts like hell. I haven't been in love with anyone since my ex husband and the idea of loving someone else again really never entered my mind until I met him. I thought we had so much in common, shared experiences and initially everything was good. To be really honest…I still thought we had those things. I guess he felt otherwise.

This is why I hate falling in love. I hate dealing with heartbreak. My heart has always been fragile and when it has been used and misused…I really don't know how to handle it. I've been kind of walking around like a ghost lately. All I do is think of him and wonder…what the hell happened? This kind of breakup is new to me. Usually I know what happened to cause the split but in this case, I honestly have no idea. It's like he woke up one morning and said…I don't love you anymore and leave me alone. How do men do that? Now I'm left with questions that will never be answered and a heart that is broken and slowly turning cold. I hate him. I hate how he has hurt me, I hate the fact that I think of him so much now, I hate that I miss him, and I hate that he has made me cry more than I have in over 3 years. I thought I was done with this shit…I really did.

To be honest…I'm so tired of this shit. Tired of the games that people play with folk's hearts. Whatever happened to just treating someone like you would want to be treated? It appears that men just say the words, I love you and have no idea what they are saying or they are so evil that they do know what it means but intentionally set out to hurt people. I just will never understand how someone can be so heartless and still call themselves human. I'm just tired of believing the best in people when all they do is show me the worst. Maybe it's true…nice girls really do finish last.

Seasons Change

2009-09-28T11:44:00.002-05:00

Living in Chicago, you are lucky if you get to experience all 4 seasons. Normally you just get Winter and Summer with a about a month of Fall and Spring. Fall is in the air now and I’m noticing what an incredible metaphor for life each change of season has. It’s a period of transition…much similar to what has been happening in my own life. I wrote a blog earlier in year called the power of one word. In that blog, I spoke about choosing a word that described what you wanted for your life for the year. I do this instead of having New Year’s resolutions. It tends to hold me more accountable for reaching my goals. My word for this year was STEP. Quite simply, it was my intention to STEP into everything God had for me this year. What I didn’t realize is that in order to do that I also needed to STEP away from some things as well. I wanted to STEP into a new life, new independence, new freedom, new love and honestly new joy. I had spent the past few years putting my life back together one piece at a time but over the past few seasons I had realized I hadn’t stepped away from the things that prevented new growth in my own life’s garden.
In Winter
Winter reveals what’s dead in your life. Winter kills things that aren’t strong enough to grow in the cold. Winter showed me all of the things that were dead in my life. My marriage, some friendships, some baggage from failed relationships. I hadn’t stepped away from the pain and shame of a failed marriage, I hadn’t stepped away from the words I allowed my ex to impart in me as he walked out the door (“No one will ever want you…you’re damaged goods....), I still hadn’t let go of relationships that didn’t satisfy me or my needs. I was still holding on to dead weight, especially in a friendship that I held very dear to my heart. I had walked away from a life and a marriage that didn’t honor me but I was still wandering around trying to figure it out as I went along. I was “going with the flow” but like a hamster in a wheel…I wasn’t moving anywhere.
In Spring
Spring brings about a new birth. The dead things in life’s garden are gone and you begin to plant new seeds… pulling up weeds and other things that kill things that need to grow. I was beginning to plant new seeds in my garden…but pesky weeds kept popping up. Grey area weeds, ex husband weeds, friends who were dragging me down type of weeds, self inflicted weeds. I knew it was time to get my garden in order. Things had been dead so long in my life’s garden and I was tired of it…I was ready to see new life bloom. Something started to shift at the end of spring…my trip to Mexico brought a new clarity and a new focus that I had not previously had. I began to walk away from grey area relationships; I begin to actually deal with the pain, hurt and anger I still had towards my ex. I begin to really focus on what I wanted and how I intended to get it. After all…this was supposed to be the year right? It was about time I stopped waiting for something to happen and start making things happen. I had to take a long look in the mirror and see things I didn’t want to see…my own faults, my own contradictions, my own frailties and deal with them honestly. It hasn’t been easy…many times it has hurt like hell and been very painful. I’ve been criticized for it, mocked because of it but at the end of the day…it’s my journey and I have to walk my own path, tell my own story and live my own truth. I started to find my voice, my stride and my focus again and I could feel myself getting stronger as summer began.
In Summer
Summer gets hot and if you aren’t careful to water your garden things will wilt and die. You have to nurture it constantly with living water. I found myself neglecting my garden and things were wilting away. I was neglecting my plan to leave relationships that didn’t honor me, allowing my ex and his hurtful words to hinder me, allowing friends to drag me down again. I lost focus around the middle of summer but thanks to an abrupt and rude awaking while out of town…I found my stride once again and faithfully pulled those weeds from my garden and began to water it with encouragement, love, and faith. This was my life’s garden and I was the only one responsible for it. It would be up to me to make my garden fruitful, fragrant and beautiful. Little did I know that God was planting a new seed in my garden and I had no idea how much it would grow.
In Fall
Now here it is…fall and I can see my finish line ahead. I’m finally at peace with the end of my marriage (even if he isn’t), I let go of blame and embrace forgiveness (even when it’s not asked of me), I’m finally walking into my own independence and standing on my own two feet (Thank God for a wonderful support system!), dead relationships and the baggage that came with them are a thing of the past. I still have a friendship that I need to let go of but that seems to be the hardest of all. How do you say goodbye to a friend you have had since you were children? I love her dearly but I hate who she has become and in trying to talk to her…she reminds me of my ex. The one who takes no responsibility for her actions, the one who thinks everyone else is the problem not her, the one who wants you to save her, etc. Do I just walk away from the friendship or do I stay? I’m still praying for clarity on that one…and as for love…I’m walking through love’s door with a man who has been everything I have asked for and more. I’ve found my stride…my joy, my voice and my faith again.

I’m learning to embrace the seasons in my life and all they have to teach me.

To serve and protect? ....well maybe?

2009-08-24T07:13:00.001-05:00

To serve and protect is the motto used by most in Law Enforcement and lately the motto has gotten me to thinking…isn’t this what we want when it comes to our intimate relationships? I mean at least speaking as a woman, it is my heart’s desire that when the man I choose to love walks into my life…I want to be served and protected. Now before you get hung up on the “serve” part…allow me to explain. When we choose to become a twosome instead of just riding solo we agree to a certain extent to serving our partners. Romantic relationships in many ways are like ministries of service. Just ask any happily married couple. In good, healthy marriages, each partner understands that service comes with the title. Healthy relationships grow and survive when each partner understands the other partners needs and “serves” them in that capacity. I mean think about it…we rely on our local law enforcement to serve us by keeping our neighborhoods, communities, and our children safe from harm and outside influences right? Why don’t we rely on our partners to do the same with our hearts, minds and bodies? I want the man in my life to serve me with love, compassion, romance, kindness, gentleness, honestly and with an immense amount of integrity and quiet strength and a healthy dose of those much required intimacy that my heart, mind and body crave. In turn…I want to serve my potential with the same things. I want to serve him with a nurturing and generous heart, my loyalty…I want to serve him with a gentle disposition, a joyful spirit and peaceful mind. I want to serve him like the woman in Proverbs 31. So… think about it again…is service part of your requirement when entering a potential relationship? What and How much are we willing to give?”
About 1 month ago, my neighbor was robbed in front of my house as I was coming home from a late night date. I saw the two guys walking down the block and waited until they passed my house before I went inside. My neighbor (a guy) pulled up at the same time and immediately got out of his car and headed into his home. It was then he was hit with a gun and robbed. I was right there but luckily for me…I had stayed in my car. As my neighbor ran up to me to fear in his eyes…I knew exactly what to do. I immediately called the police. We are trained from the time we are very young to call the police when you are in harm’s way or have been harmed. Why? Because police are there to protect you from these events and to come to your aid when these types o f events have occurred. The same holds true when in relationships. I want my potential S/O to protect me. I want him to protect my heart from heartache and harm. Can I call you when I’m in need? When I need you to comfort me…when I need you to hold me and or kiss me…when I need someone to talk to about job stress or parenting stress…when I need to laugh or when I need to cry…on the days when I don’t need anything but you and a glass of wine…Will you respond right away or will you take your time and get there when you get there? In turn…I want to protect him and his heart. I want to protect his dreams and his vision for our family…our future. I want to protect his mind and his spirit and remind him of how great he is no matter how the world looks at him. I want to protect his home and his children by making our home a place of peace and refuge. I want to protect his ego by letting him know he is admired, desired and appreciated.
The entire idea of the police protecting has fallen by the wayside especially in our communities because of one very simple thing…lack of trust. We don’t trust the police. We don’t think they have the best of intentions and we consistently give them a “side eye” because there is so much negative stuff out there about them. The same holds true in relationships. I have to trust you with my heart before you can protect it. I have to freely give it to you and again…that requires trust. I’m not that trusting with my heart anymore. Like most folks feel about the police…I guess you could say I feel the same way about men. I’m not good at trusting them. To say I have trust issues would be an understatement but hey…I’m still a work in progress and I still have much work to do in that area. I often wonder what it will take for me to let go of those pesky “trust” issues and just freely give my heart to someone again. Right now…I got a potential that is slowly working his way into my heart but I feel those trust issues floating back up….sometimes we can sabotage something good when we allow our past baggage to get in the way of something new. We’ve often talked about “taking the lessons…and leaving the baggage” but how do you really let it go? For me…I know more than anything that “the baggage” has caused me to make some critical dating mistakes and has often had me in relationships that were beneath me and were contrary to what I know I want and deserve. Baggage weighs you down and you can’t fly and soar the relationship friendly skies with too much luggage. There is a limit to the bags you can carry.
Right now…my mind and my heart are in a real good place and I feel open to this latest dating experience…more than I ever have before… but ever y now and then…the fear creeps back up…I feel the pull of those Gucci bags and want to pick them back up again …I find a reason to take a step back and once again put up a wall around my heart. My heart and the love that lies within it are too sensitive and fragile to get hurt again but isn’t that part of the risk?
Am I ready to serve and protect? Maybe….I just gotta get past the fear first.

Do men know how to date anymore?

2009-08-19T14:57:00.002-05:00

Remember when you were a teenager and a guy would ask you out? I remember being giddy when a guy I liked asked me out. I would make sure I had the perfect 1st date outfit, and put together my own cute girl look for the evening and wait for my date to pick me up and take me out. Our dates were much simpler then…movies…an amusement park etc…but back then the guy would hold my hand or give me that look J, he was affectionate and always made me feel like he was as thrilled to be on a date with me as I was with him. But now that I’m grown…things seem different.

Ok…now I know I’m gonna get the men all riled up (and not in a good way…LOL) BUT…yall need to step ya dating game up. I’m sorry…I know yall are all fly and got your stuff together but these dates are just not doing it for me. What happened to some creativity when planning a date? Or maybe the ladies haven’t communicated what we want in this dang dating game? Maybe it’s a combination of both? Hmmm…I don’t know…all I know is I’m left unsatisfied by most dates because of the lack of creativity shown in planning them. So in the effort to be completely transparent…I will let the fellas in on my personal dating delights…for future reference of course!

Fellas…please do not ask me out unless you actually have something PLANNED to do! There is nothing worse than a guy asking you out only to say, “So…whatcha wanna do?”….HELLO? Didn’t you just ask me out? I’m just saying…have a plan before you ask.

Contrary to popular belief...if you plan something extremely extravagant the likelihood of you getting a 2nd date is damn near non-existent. I don’t need you to try and buy my affections…This isn’t one of those dating reality shows…I don’t need to go up in a helicopter to know if you dig me or not? I wanna date that gives me a glimpse into your personality. See if there is any chemistry or not…ya know?

Keep it interesting & creative. Let’s try something new for a change. I would love for a guy to ask me to do something other than “dinner/drinks/movie”. That’s boring to me…let’s get out and have some fun…especially while the weather is warm. During our phone conversations prior to the date...find out what I like and what my interests are so you can plan something I will like. I like a "take charge" kinda man...

Chivalry will get you everywhere with me. Again…while most men seem to think the age of the independent woman has killed chivalry…I’m a true girly girl looking for a real gentleman so…having said that…step your gentlemen game up fellas!

If you are in to me…you should let me know it! Don’t try to play that cool shit with me cause it is a turn off. I like to feel desired…so don’t be afraid to be affectionate with me. I love it…hold my hand…put your arm around me…trust your instincts with me…cause I will show you if I’m digging you.

BE ON TIME! Nothing irritates my “type A” personality more than someone who is late.

Dress the part. Ok...seriously…we are all grown nowadays…so leave the “jeans and a white T” at home! If I’m going out with you…I’m trying to keep it grown and sexy with you so let’s just clean it up for a change! I’m not saying you got to wear a suit and tie but dayum…can you put something together that makes me look at you and say…Dayum he looks good! I’m just saying…

Let’s talk….Like I’ve said…I am on the date because I want to get to know you. Talk to me about what your have passion for and what drives you? Talk to me about the randomness that may roam through your mind. At the end of the date…what impression do you want to make with me? I love a man with an insightful and passionate mind. Truthfully…that’s what makes me hot! (Lol…I digress) but…seriously…I like a man who can hold a conversation too!

I got some more but I’ll hold them for now. Now I want to hear from you…

Ladies: What would you like to see from the fellas when dating? Are you as frustrated with dating as I am right now?

Fellas: Now I know I addressed this blog to you but I would like to hear from you as well. When dating…What makes a date with you so special? What are some of the things you have done with a woman on a date that you felt gave her a glimpse into who you are? Do you think I’m off base with this blog? Talk to me…keep it real…I can take it! LOL!

The Pleasure Chest or as I'd like to call it...."MY TRUNK"

2009-08-18T15:57:00.003-05:00

I posted this awhile ago on FH but since I'm in a certain frame of mind...I thought I share with my blog fam and get your thoughts....

"You like…Don't be scared…You never saw me like this before huh? ….I been a goody daddy, but I don't have to be…If you don't want me to, I’ll be your nasty baby …No time for games, no rules just play...Hope you been thinking about the same thing …I'm just sayin'what's on my mind…It's been good, but now it's time…To show love what we made of …No time for games, no rules just play…I hope you want me in the same way"…-“All I” by Jill Scott

A while back, the FH fam had a discussion about sex toys and self pleasure and it was there I that I shared the story of “the trunk”. For those that missed those discussions, I’ll take this post to further explain it. The Trunk, well at least mine, is a pleasure chest of sorts….let’s call it a “sexual goodie bag”. Most women have a trunk, chest, or drawer of sorts and every woman’s trunk contains different contents depending on the person. It’s my opinion that the most intense lovemaking sessions come from using all 5 senses: Sight, Smell, Sound, Touch and Taste.

Sight
As for me…my trunk contains one of my secret addictions…my love for lingerie. There I said it…I love lingerie and I buy it often and usually in ridiculous quantities. I usually binge shop. I take a break from it then when I get into my favorite lingerie spot…I binge and wind up coming home with more goodies to add to the trunk. Lingerie makes me happy, makes me feel sexy, desirable and like I said…I’m a girly girl at heart so….blame my addiction on the woman in me…LOL! My tastes are a visual smorgasbord full of pieces that hint at the type of woman I am…For the romantic in me…there is something flirty, pretty, and sheer. For the conservative/”type A” personality there is something classic, silk or satin with a matching robe. For the sexpot in me...there is something red, lacy, hot…usually garters and high heels are a necessity with these pieces. And lastly for the vixen/naughty girl in me…there is fantasy wear…something raunchy (the double D’s may be exposed at this point) and maybe even… dare I say….freaky. However, Lingerie isn’t the only thing that fills the trunk.

Smell
I love to set the mood. Life moves fast and when I rest…that’s just what I want to do...REST. There are times when I’m alone and the kids are gone and I proceed to get my favorite scented candles and light them all around. It’s tranquil, peaceful and since I’m a huge believer in aromatherapy…they calm me and enable me to just relax and be. I love candlelight…I think it’s incredibly romantic and soft (like me…LOL!). When I have been in a relationship, I have often loved those moments…those soft, romantic, peaceful moments when I’m resting in my man’s arms and my head is right at his neck and I can just smell him. He’s strong, he’s masculine, sexy…he may be wearing cologne or he may just be fresh from our bath...either way…I love the way he smells. It’s intoxicating. I do wear perfume on occasion but I’m a self professed skin freak so I usually tend to layer up my scents with my bubble bath, body gel, body butter and body spray. It’s light…not overpowering but just enough to entice you to come closer…

Touch
I am a extremely passionate person and usually love lots of foreplay….Kissing, touching, lots of skin on skin contact will get the blood racing through my veins and heighten every erogenous zone in my body until I’m ready to explode….For those moments…there are oils, feathers, bath bombs, bubble baths, and even…dare I say again…a few toys for your viewing pleasure. It is in these moments…these intensely passion filled moments…that it truly is all about you. I want nothing more than to experience you…touch you…kiss you…feel you. I think there is nothing sexier than the closeness and intimacy shared during these moments.

Taste
Now for this you may have to get into your kitchen for some of these. It has been said that there are some foods that are aphrodisiacs. I’m not sure about it but what I will say is there is something sexy about playing with your food when you are an adult…LOL! Everyone enjoys something different…some start off with a sexy meal followed by dessert. Some like chocolate...others caramel. Some enjoy fruit and fondue…strawberries/champagne…wine…whatever your pleasure….add it to the chest. Feeding your mate or having your mate feed you can be the perfect prelude to an intense passionate kiss…leading to the start of the “show”.

Sound
Finally…break out your IPod. Put a playlist together of the songs that make you feel sexy…songs you may want to perform to (obvious Flirty girl reference). Share a slow dance with your mate. Either way... get close and enjoy those songs. Its one thing to listen and groove to your favorite slow jam…it’s another to say you have experienced something equal or better than the lyrics of your favorite song.

I’m not saying you need all these things when you make love…I’m just saying it can make the experience even more pleasurable. At the end of the day…the contents of your trunk should contain all the things you enjoy and would like to share with the one you are in a relationship with…

So I will ask my blog fam the same question I asked my FH fam....

Ladies: Do you have a trunk? What’s in it? Do you change it up from time to time? Come on let's dish...
Gentlemen: If you could pick the contents of your woman’s “trunk”, what would you want to see in it? Or…do you think the trunk is unnecessary...meaning you just wanna do it?

I'm a hot girl!

2009-08-18T15:33:00.000-05:00

Ok…it’s time for true confession here. I’m a hot girl! I mean a very hot girl! There is a yearning inside of me for the touch, kiss, and thrust of a man. I mean is that a bad thing? No…not necessarily …but I can’t help it. I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately but my sexual appetite and desire has kicked into high gear and it’s frustrating the hell out of me because I can’t release those “frustrations” with someone else on a regular. I don’t know if it’s because of the pole dancing classes I’ve been taking lately or my new shape (courtesy of working out like a fool) but I have been craving a man’s lips and hands across my body…my waist…my hips…my inner thigh…my neck…my lower back…ok I’ll stop. What is it about a black man’s touch that just raises my body temperature? His lips…his stare…his skin…the commanding nature of his voice? Hmm…maybe it’s all that and then some but I am craving a brother right now to hold me…kiss me…and thrust himself inside of me with nothing but passion and desire. I want to get my hair messed up (maybe even pulled)…I want to wear some of this damn lingerie I keep buying (another addiction)…I want something passion filled…overflowing with desire…sweaty and hot…rough and tender all at the same time. WTH is going on with me. I’ve had moments where sex has not been plentiful (after all I was married! LOL) but I can’t remember feeling the type of yearning that I have been feeling lately. I mean I’m dating but I’m trying with all my might not to take it there too soon…just waiting on the right time and the right one but I swear when he shows up…I’m gonna wear him out…sorry! I just had to say it how I feel it this time…LOL! I told ya I was feeling hot!

Living a authentic life...is the goal...

2009-08-13T11:31:00.000-05:00

The one thing lacking in black relationships or perhaps relationships in general is a lack of transparency in how we communicate our thoughts, feelings, and ideas to one another. I have often said that at the root of most of our relationship issues is what I call the “fear factor”. It’s a fear of being over exposed, the fear of telling our story and our own truth for fear of being criticized and/or judged. Have you ever “put yourself out there” only to regret it later? I suppose it’s all part of the risk involved in any relationship.

I have struggled with fear in some of my relationships but transparency has never been an issue for me. I tell my story, live my own truth (even when it’s inconsistent and confused…sometimes that’s just what life can be) and stand firm in my beliefs, wants and desires. Lately…folks want to attack me for that truth but it’s ok. My truth is just that…MINE. I share myself…and my story because I can…I want to…and it helps me continue to evolve and learn something different about myself. I want to be open, honest and free in how I live my life, how I express myself and honestly…how I love. It’s funny because most expect me to be so guarded and so closed off…most expect me not to talk about my marriage’s failure so graphically because it’s so raw but for me…I’ve never been afraid of folks judgment or opinions. In fact, I welcome all of them. Let’s talk, let’s dialogue, let’s get to the heart of an issue and deal with it. That’s how I roll and I make no apologies for it.

Living an authentic life is living a life transparent…I can allow you a peak…a glimpse into my world and you can decide if you want to be a part of it or not but I guarantee you once there…there will be no surprises. I treat all of my relationships this way…friendships, family and love relationships…even my relationships with fellow bloggers. I think of bloggers like Miz, Curvy Girl, CareyCarey and LoveBabz…I love reading their writing because I feel it…I feel the pain, the struggle, the victories, the overwhelming love that comes through their writing and I am amazed at the strength, courage, tenacity that we all are capable of as a result of our life experiences. By being open and fearless in their writing I’m encouraged in my own life. I’ve never met any of them but yet I feel connected with them because they write with honesty, from real experiences and with complete transparency.

This journey back to me has been full of so many life lessons that I have had to learn. Some have been very painful and hurtful, some have brought me immense joy but all have helped me get one step closer to the truth…my own truth…finding my voice again and being ok with how it sounds. The journey is ongoing and the road gets bumpy but my faith never waivers and my optimism never ceases no matter what naysayer think about it…our journey’s are different as are our stories. Living my life as open, authentic and honest as possible is my goal. Staying true to who I am part of the journey…take it or leave it…

always on the grind...

2009-08-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

I’m so tired…I’m burning the candles at both ends. Working 10 hour days without a break some days, racing home to pick up kids and make sure they are fed, bathed, read too, etc until bedtime, trying to get back to my “hot girl” status at the gym, trying to enjoy my friends, and maybe even a date here and there…maintain my look, keep my spirit exercised and my mind mentally stimulated…Damn yall I’m tired. There are days like today where I just feel like I need more than one of me. Right now I got so many things going on and it seems like the days keep flying by…school starts soon and this year is gonna be a killer! I got 3 kids in 3 different school s at 3 different parts of the city! WTF! Trying to find adequate education in this city is damn near criminal. Not to mention…my daughter can’t go to kindergarten at my son’s school because she turns 5 on Sept 2nd…not Sept 1st…even though the 1st day of school isn’t until the 8th! WTF! So now I had to choose between keeping her back a grade or pay for private school. Well that’s a no-brainer! The little mini diva is more than ready so she’s going to private school that’s costing me $400/month! Now that’s not including the $550 fundraising obligation, $300 materials fee and cost of supplies, uniforms and all that…combine that with another $350 that I have to pay for my youngest and his daycare along with their $300 fundraising fee, and my oldest who only has a $250 fundraising fee…are you doing the math? EXACTLY! What the hell is a parent supposed to do? I’ve worked my ass off…hustled…networked and made appropriate connections to get my kids into the best schools and I’ve watched them excel. It makes it worth it…but honestly FAM…I’m tired and financially spent…it feels overwhelming at times. Somehow I’ve always been able to make it work but sometimes…just sometimes…I wish I had some damn help. 3 schools, 3 different school calendars, and 3 sets of PTA’s…damn can they clone me 3 times!? I’m just saying…when does this mom get a damn break! (I feel Mexico/Jamaica/Caribbean/any where but here…calling me)…

What's the point of blogging anyway?

2009-07-15T15:15:00.002-05:00

I’ve been blogging on another site and I’m finding myself getting annoyed with folks. I have always said that I’m pretty open, honest and transparent. I would like to think I write about my life in the same manner. When I write…it honestly comes from a deeper place within. The place where my heart lies...it’s all real. So whether I talk about dating, marriage, divorce or motherhood…it’s always what I feel at that moment. I believe there is power in one’s stories that’s why I love reading blogs on a regular basis. It’s one of the reasons why I choose to share my stories and experiences but sometimes…there is always someone who lurks behind hidden profiles, phony personas who simply love to criticize, analyze and do anything else but state their own truth. It’s those folks that I loathe. I hate people who put up fronts in real life and online. It takes a lot of work to be phony and I simply don’t have time for the foolishness.
For example, today I posted a long blog about a conversation I finally had with the ex. I wanted to post it because it was some of the bloggers from the site that really helped me have that conversation. I have been putting it off for over 2 years. After the conversation, I wanted to share it with my fellow bloggers. I felt like I had a breakthrough…an “Ah-Ha” moment and I wanted to release it. Its funny when certain shackles and chains have been released how…emancipating that can feel. I guess I was premature in sharing this story in particular. Now I wish I could take it all back. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so transparent in my writing but I don’t know how else to be.

What do you all think? Have you ever regretted getting personal in some of your blogs? Is there a limit to what you share? If so...why?

Just trying to enjoy it for a change...

2009-07-01T20:54:00.001-05:00

Hey Fam…sorry I’ve been MIA lately but life is moving fast and now that summer is fast approaching, it appears as if life has no intention of slowing down. I’ve been in a weird place lately….somewhere between feeling wonderful and feeling lost in the shuffle. How do I even begin to explain it? Not quite sure. A few weeks ago I traveled to D.C. to hang with my homeboy. He’s a good friend of mine and whenever we hang out we always have a ball. In any case, while hanging out with him, he introduced me to a friend of his and we hit it off immediately. Instant connection, instant attraction, instant chemistry…all of which are danger zones for someone like me. After all, I was in D.C. to kick it and have a good time…I’m still on man strike right? In any case to make a long story very short, I wound up hanging out with him all weekend. It turned into a 3 day date. Granted my boy was around and we all were in a group, I just found myself enjoying his company and vice versa. My boy had a date Saturday so I was alone for a few hours and this guy called and asked if I wanted to hang out with him for the day. I agreed but I was cautious...at least initially. We wound up having such a wonderful time and when it came time to meet back up with everyone…we couldn’t leave each other’s side. Dancing all night long, great conversation, subtle and not so subtle flirtations…it’s been a while since I’ve had that feeling. In fact…it’s been over a year since someone impressed me in this manner. The weekend was wonderful and I returned home wondering if we would ever see each other again. I mean…we exchanged numbers and info but you never know right? Anyway, since I’ve been back home this guy and I talk daily sometimes several times a day. He wants me to come back to D.C. and I agreed to. I’ll be back at the end of this month around my birthday. I’m trying to manage my expectations but it’s hard not to get caught up in the “magic” of it all.
On the flip side of this great ongoing story has been this internal struggle I continue to deal with…the idea of being vulnerable again and fearless again. The idea of letting the title “cheated on spouse” go once and for all. I thought all of this had been dealt with but I find myself talking myself out of the idea of being happy and experiencing love because of that fear factor. I’m so scared…of making the wrong choices when it comes to the man I choose to date, scared of falling for something that isn’t real, scared of exposing my heart again. Did my ex really leave me this damaged inside? What happened to the optimistic romantic that once lived inside of me? I hate feeling like this because I know as long as I hold onto this mess…he wins.
So I guess it leaves me in this weird state…I want to just enjoy the moment I’m having with this guy and for once just let all the baggage go…enjoy myself, have fun..Manage my expectations…I just am trying to figure out how…

On strike....

2009-05-29T21:48:00.001-05:00

While on my short getaway, I got some time to think. It' s amazing how clear things get when I'm swimming in crystal clear blue waters. Got to thinking about what's has happened since the end of my marriage, what's not happening, what I've accomplished, what I've learned and what still needs to be done. Overall, life is good…life is full of faith, family, friends, and love...life is moving ...slowly but at least in the right direction. I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend…got to hang out with friends and dance until my feet hurt.
I’m still on man strike but its ok….I’m realizing that although I forgave my ex... The hurt remains and it has recently manifested itself in my last dating experience. Somehow I wound up in the grey area with a man I only sorta kinda liked. How in the hell did that happen? What's worse is that I’m not a grey area girl. Things work in black and white to me. You are either in or out. This dude was so wrong for me…and I ignored so many signs... He started off strong and somehow turned into nothing more than my "jumpoff". I realized I was selling myself short…telling myself I could think, act, and date like a man when in truth it goes against my very nature. So I let it go…I realized I have trust issues. I put so much trust in my ex husband. I put my heart in his hands without ever thinking it would be returned to me on life support. It caught me off guard. After the marriage ended, I went on a dating binge…trying to find what had been missing in my marriage. Wanting to feel loved, wanted and desired again but as I use this time to think of the men I’ve dated since my marriage ended, I am realizing that all of those experiences were birthed out of the pain of having a broken heart. I dated men who weren’t worthy of me because I was sure I’d never “catch feelings” for them. I could always keep them at a distance because I didn’t think much of them anyway. How silly of me to think I could function like that.

In many ways, I was trying to prove my ex-husband wrong. His words cut like a knife when I finally decided to walk away. "No one's gonna want you...you are damaged goods now...you got 3 kids!". I wanted to prove him wrong...I was a fabulous chick and of course another man would want to love me and be in a relationship with me. Honestly, deep down I'm was afraid he was right. After all, I'm only 33. Most men my age haven't even been married...to them..I'm a tad...experienced. And honestly, I'm not saying all the guys I've dated were bad. There will always be my ex who became my ex for a 2nd time. This guy was wonderful and truly cared deeply for me. The problem was that he wanted kids really bad and I don't....DEALBREAKER! Damn...we had to part ways again. But it proved my ex wrong...there is a man who will love me despite having a failed marriage under my belt, the fact that my childbearing days are over...etc. It was time to switch gears...slow it down a bit.

I’m a jewel…a “dime piece” if you will and one day the man I love will experience me and everything I have to offer and will reciprocate that emotion in a way I’ve only dreamed about but until then I stand still…taking a break from this dating game to heal a heart that was ripped apart, broken and left to put back together. Damn…it’s frustrating because I thought I was done dealing with this mess. In truth I guess you don’t love someone for over a decade and bounce back ready to jump into the game…wide open. I know that’ s what I have to do in order to experience real love but for now…although my heart wants to love again and at times I feel that need that T-Moe talked about in his last blog…I guess it’s just not my time yet. For now…I’ve put my trunk “on ice” until someone extraordinary walks into my life. I got some more work to do…some more purging to do…some more letting go to do…

So I guess, it’s really not a man strike…It’s ME strike….hopefully when I’m ready to cross the picket line…my heart will be strong again, more open again, more vulnerable again…so I can experience falling in love...AGAIN.

PICS FROM MEXICO...MY PHOTOSHOOT

2009-05-29T21:34:00.003-05:00

Here are some of the pics from my mini photo shoot in Mexico...I took 150 shots but couldn't post them all but it was something fun to do and definitely me...stepping out of my box...

Finally back...

2009-05-21T09:58:00.003-05:00

Hey all!

I know I've been MIA lately but life has been moving real fast. I just got back from my vacation with my homegirl. We went to Playa del Carmen and it was fabulous!!! Since folks are still acting scared about the swine flu....we reaped those benefits! It started with being upgraded to 1st class on my flight...then when we arrived to our fabulous hotel...we were upgraded to what they call "privilege status"...that meant upgrade to the ocean view suite with jacuzzi on the terrace, lobster dinner, private beach with waiter service and full use of the spa. The spa services were discounted as well so I indulged in a few relaxing services. I didn't party much...all I did was chill and drink. It was so relaxing...so tranquil and so beautiful. I'll post pics soon!
While down there they had a photographer who would go around with you and take photos. Kinda like your own mini photo shoot. I said...WHAT THE HELL...and did it and can't believe how good the photos turned out! I looked sexy, hot, sultry...even my friends kept saying...they couldn't believe it was me...you know the girl with 3 little ones! I truly stepped outside of my box with this one and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I posted the pics on facebook and of course...Mr. D.G. came calling. He's so predictable....it bores me. Next thing you know...I'm getting text messages saying I want to see you...blah...blah....he must not have been made aware of his "brown paper bag" status....oh well.
I'm looking forward to the weekend...my friends husband is getting his degree and we are celebrating all weekend long. Looks like the weather will be good and I'm excited to get out and have some fun.
On the relationship side...I'm officially on "man strike". Everyone tells me that dating is a game and quite frankly....I'm sick of playing. For this man strike to end...a brother would really have to be and extraordinary individual. I'm not saying perfection but I am saying real and true. I'm just tired of the game playing...it's annoying and I have no time for it all. I figure if I take a step back from the game for a minute...I'm less likely to lose faith, optimism, and my true romantic side...I feel a love cynic being born and I need to tame it before I turn into a bitter chick...
...Well...that's the update..I'll post pics soon and promise to get back to blogging on a regular basis!

Peace & Blessings...

My mystery man...

2009-04-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

I met a man…well actually I haven’t met him just yet. But he intrigues me. He writes with such a passion it makes me want to get to know him more. He’s a deep brother and I like that in a man. The way he thinks makes me want to get to know him better. I think I have a crush or maybe I just like the way he writes and expresses himself. There is a depth, a passion and obvious sex appeal about him that I can’t ignore…and when he writes about love, passion and sex…I’m drawn to him even more. WTH is going on? How can I be this intrigued by someone I’ve never met?

Reclaiming the woman in me....

2009-04-08T12:37:00.001-05:00

I posted this on www.flaglerhill.com but thought I'd share with my blog family as well....

In my life I have worn many hats (wife, mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend, lover, etc…). One of the things I realized after my divorce was how much of me got lost in all of my many roles. Don’t get me wrong…I love my role as mother, daughter, sister, friend, lover etc…but who I am at my core is a woman first. This woman had neglected herself for so long trying to be everybody to everyone. I am the first to admit I had a superwoman complex. I had to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom…you get my point. I set myself up for enormous disappointment when things didn’t go according to my plans. (That’s the drawback for a type “A” personality like me). In many ways, my divorce awakened things in me that I had put to the side in order to take care of and nurture everyone else’s needs. In doing that, I forgot I had needs of my own. I have come to understand that I have got to put me first (yes…even in front of my children!). It’s like the saying goes, “if mama ain’t happy…nobody’s happy”. In doing that I am finding I am a much better, more connected mother. I take the time to do things just for me (hence my flirty girl addiction…LOL!), things that reawaken that woman in me. The woman who is finally comfortable in her own skin, the woman who works hard and plays even harder and the woman who has sexual needs and desires and is finally at ease in communicating them.
I was married to a man who had a “virgin mother” complex. The type of man who felt like his wife could only be a “certain way” sexually. In other words, “Ms. Kitty” was trapped in the closet. In many ways I am convinced it aided in the breakdown of my marriage. On the surface I am “a traditional girl”. The kinda girl that loves for a man to pursue (I’m still not comfortable pursing.), the sappy, sentimental type, the love to wear a dress/skirt type, the kinda girl that is absolutely fine with allowing a man to be a man without feeling like my independence is in question and the woman who understands that being vulnerable isn’t always a bad thing. With all of those things…there is a side of me that is rarely seen. The sexual/sensual side of me. The side of me that is passionate beyond words. The woman who loves to dress up for her man, wear something sexy to bed just because, or the woman who wants to try new things, and experience new things (hence the trunk...that some of us talked about in previous posts! LOL!). Am I the girl who will “drop it like it’s hot” in public?…not a chance! But…behind closed doors…in a place where I feel safe and free…I share that side…that uninhibited side of me…the side of me that takes lap dance lessons/pole dancing lessons just because…the side of me that wants nothing more than to make you feel like heaven. It just takes someone very special to bring it out….

I'm bloggin on the hill....

2009-04-01T13:45:00.001-05:00

By now…everyone knows I love to talk about love and relationships and I’ve found the perfect place to do it. It’s on www.flaglerhill.com. This site is full of wonderful commentary by fellow bloggers like myself and it’s all about Black Love and relationships. Come and read some of my pieces and let me know what you think…or better yet…come and join me and start writing….You guys have so many unique perspectives…I’d love to hear your stories as well.

But for now…I’ll be on the hill acting like the “Black Carrie Bradshaw”. LOL!!!

I can't fix you...

2009-03-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

The kids returned home from your house and it was business as usual. Then you called. As I listened to you I heard the familiar sound coming from your voice. Depressed, down and out. It’s been two years since you broke my heart…it’s been two years since you hurt me more than anyone ever has…and now…you say you have changed….

…now it’s you who wants your family back…
….now you say when you see me I’m sooo beautiful
….now you want to be a husband again….

So much has happened. I know you see my happiness and wonder where it came from. You seem to think it came easy. You have no idea how hard I’ve had to fight for my joy, my peace, my contentment. It confuses you that I'm not angry at you. After all, when you left I was lost, depressed…now it’s different. Every day I move closer to my dreams…every day I accomplish something new…every day I get stronger…and in the process I have found peace. You sound so broken and it bothers me because you want me to fix it…to make it better…I realize now I never was able to do that. I can’t fix you. I can’t heal the pain and the scars of your childhood. I can’t fix it. When I was your wife, I desperately tried to fix it and you found comfort in another woman’s arms. That was my deal breaker and now you talk to me as if I’m the one who broke my family apart because I won’t take you back. You say it was just a mistake but…now that you have to live with that mistake…it’s my fault?

You are so full of pain it overwhelms me. Your darkness covers me and I am reminded of why I can never go back. All I care about is the children you and I created. They deserve to have a dad who is whole, happy and complete. They deserve to have a dad who doesn’t quit when life gets hard but who digs in his heels and says let’s get to work. I tell you I want you to be happy…but it’s not for me…it’s for those kids. Don’t you see that? Instead you remain content to stay in the funk. The darkness…the self pity…I can’t fix it anymore. I realize I never could. Truth is…you were broken way before I came into your life and somehow you fell back …you forgot how much you had achieved…despite how you were raised. You forgot who you were and began to believe you would be just like your father….I tried to tell you how wrong you were. I tried to tell you…show you…that you were so much more. You were the man I believed in. You were the man I thought was so strong. You were the man I thought could do anything you put your mind too. You were the love of my life. It’s sad because you didn’t’ see it then. I have often wondered what more could I have done but now I stopped trying to answer that question. You have to want it for yourself…for your children. If you don’t you will remain content in being miserable.

You couldn’t see it then….now you want me to fix it. I can’t fix you…only you can fix you. Pride and Ego will kill a man if he lets it and I hope that’s not going to happen but I worry….

Time for some spring cleaning...

2009-03-16T20:57:00.002-05:00

The time has come for me to clean house. I've been stuck in a rut for a while and I haven't been able to figure out what is going on with me. It seems like every time I think I am making some progress in my life, something comes along to let me know that I have so much further to go. Sometimes I wonder if I have taken on too much. Deep down there are so many times when I find myself getting angry at my ex for leaving my life in shambles. It's so petty and trivial at this point but it's still real. For example, for the past 3 weeks, I have had to take 2 days off each week to deal with a sick kid. You know how it goes, once one gets sick...the others follow. I get angry because I have no help and I didn't sign up for this. We made the decision to get married and start a family together...so why am I doing this now alone? Sure he keeps them every other weekend but that's family fun time...I'm here doing the day to day grind of getting them off to school, arranging schedules, field trips, doctor appointments, homework and such. Add to that, I'm in school working on my masters (finally!), working full time and trying to have a social life 2 weekends a month (just like the damn army).
It just seems like he got off easy and I try not to look at it that way, but in this economy when people are losing their jobs, it's hard not to think about that every time I have to take off to tend to one of them. It's a horrible choice single parents are faced with each day. I know I'm not the only one and deep down I know I am going to get through it but it doesn't cease making me frustrated.
Put quite simply, I'm just tired....too tired to do anything 100% and I wonder how much I'm giving to all of my responsibilities. I try to maintain my faith and strength (I am woman...hear me roar!!!) but underneath my many hats is a woman struggling to juggle it all without losing herself. I have to make time for myself.
My social life is in a rut too. I've been dating and at times it's even fun. I am still dating the guy I never thought I would be attracted to (since last July!). That relationship is in a weird place now. I have purposely kept it casual and have made it a point to continue dating other people because truthfully...I don't have the time or energy to devote to a relationship. I have to be somewhat selfish right now until I reach these goals I have set. Love doesn't really have a place in my life right now. I tend to fall in love and lose focus...so I can't have that. Not to mention...I'm not ready to give my heart to anyone 100% right now. My problem with this guy is that he is sweet, kind, genuine, and honest. He does what he says he's gonna do and he is honest about where he is. It's refreshing because I haven't had that kind of honesty in a relationship recently. I find myself pushing him away because I can't have anyone (myself included) "catching feelings". I feel like the time is coming when he is gonna ask me to make some decisions and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't figure it all out. After all, he is the last person I thought I would date, let alone enjoy.
My life feels so crowded with unhealthy thoughts, feelings, old emotions, old baggage, old memories, old hurts and pains. I feel like it's time to clean house and rid myself of all the mess. If I'm supposed to stepping into what's mine in '09, I can't do it carrying around all this mess. I'm thinking about taking a short trip with my girlfriends to Mexico in May. I need a change of scenery and I think the ocean air will do me some good. In the meantime, I'm taking stock and inventory of my life. I'm boxing up old crap and tossing it out for good and looking forward to filling my home with new positive thoughts and new memories. It's time for me to remember "slow and steady" always wins the race...I just need the endurance to keep on running...

Peace & Blessings
D

This place...called Freedom

2009-02-04T19:05:00.002-06:00

I thought I’d never reach this place…

…this place of peace and contentment
…this place of being ok with where I am knowing that the journey has just begun
…this place of forgiveness…I honestly wish my ex the best
…this place of joy and happiness in my friendships and the memories we share
…this place of direction...I'm finally on the path to achieve my highest goals
…this place of growth, maturity and wisdom

I didn’t think I’d ever reach this place. I thought I’d carry the pain and heartache with me for a long time. I thought I would never feel the weight of unforgiveness removed from my shoulders but it has been lifted and it feels so good. I feel so free…

…Free to be me…authentically
….Free to be loved
…Free to love
…Free to trust

I never thought I’d feel this way…right now but I do. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a ton of work to do and more growth to experience but now my journey is a little bit lighter…

Random Romantic Rants...

2009-01-28T21:41:00.002-06:00

I’m annoyed and I’m not sure why. Men are irritating me and I’m one phone call away from going on man-strike yet again….Flaky and inconsistent men have always irritated me. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a believer in the zsa zsa zsu. Some days honestly I wish I could be like those women who could care less about love and relationships. I wish I could be that way sometimes. I wish my heart would grow cold towards men…I wish I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve but instead kept a wall up so my feelings don’t get hurt….I wish I wasn’t such a believer and optimist…it would keep me from getting disappointed..Keep me from getting too excited at the possibility of…whatever...

I’m sure this feeling is temporary but for right now…it is what it is…

Funny, I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine who happens to be friends with Mr. B (yes he made a re-appearance in D.C.). We were talking and he was teasing me about me and the zsa zsa zsu. See although I never verbalized it…I knew it was a possibility that Mr. B would be in D.C. and our paths would cross yet again. I wanted to be prepared…absolutely no zsa zsa zsu for him…well to make a long story short…I thought I gave him very little (I said around 40%) and my guy friend said (yeah right…it was more like 80%). WTH!!! I couldn’t believe it! How? When? How? I didn’t get it. When my friend broke it down for me it made sense and it made me think…again. Why is it when I try to act like I don’t give a damn…it doesn’t work.

Well…the reason is….I can’t act at all! I'm not good at playing the dating games...truthfully...i have no energy to put into all the preforming that people do in dating. If I'm really honest, I’m horrible at it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can’t help it. I’m tired of apologizing and making excuses for it. Yes….sometimes it bothers me but the fact of the matter is…it’s a part of who I am and what makes me the fabulous diva that I am! I’m a risk taker…in life, love, business, and my pursuit of happiness. I have been…I always will be. Knowing that about me…I’m fully aware that with great risks, come great rewards or great pain….either way…I have to take the risk…put myself out there and be my authentic self…TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT! Yes…I may get my feelings hurt…but as life has shown me so clearly over the past 2 years….I’m one resilient chick and I always get back up stronger and wiser than before….and who knows...I may just find the love I've been craving...the love I deserve...the love i want to give...

So with that said…SCREW IT! This is me and one day…someone’s gonna realize how wonderful I truly am!

Reflections on My Inauguration Weekend...PART TWO...CELEBRATE!!!

2009-01-24T10:57:00.002-06:00

The parties in D.C. were something else....Each night we headed to a different hot spot...some hotter than others but none the less my people and I tore it up until our feet hurt or until we couldn't drink any more.....

Reflections on my inauguration weekend...PART ONE

2009-01-22T20:13:00.011-06:00

hello Family...

I returned last night from my trip to Washington D.C. and I am still on cloud nine. I can't tell you how happy I am that I actually went. It was an amazing experience
that has left me feeling inspired, hopeful and more optimistic. D.C. had an
energy this week...you could feel a shifting in the atmosphere and although we
aren't quite sure what our future holds...each of us held on to a little more hope that
day. I watched a black man from the south side of Chicago get sworn in as our president! How cool is that?

Our trip started with my girlfriends and I heading on the road to DC. We drove 11
hours and every time we had to make a stop we met someone new...someone
in route too...someone feeling the same thing we were and it was unspoken amongst
strangers. Somehow in these various rest stops...we felt connected even
if briefly....

Once we made it into the city we headed to our boy's home..he was our host for the weekend. (Much luv to ya J! for being such a great host). He took care of us and allowed a bunch of women to take over his home and his bathroom!!! His boys came
in from Chi town and ATL and we figured we would just turn this into one big coed
sleepover! We all got dressed and headed out to party for the night....After driving
so long, you would think I was tired but I felt energized. The city had such a great vibe...you couldn't help but want to celebrate with "the people!"

Inauguration Day was even more amazing. We woke up early (not as early as planned but better than we expected considering the party the night before!). We all got bundled up and ready...and drove to the train station and made our way into the
city. As we got off the train, we were still underground...laughing and smiling with all the people. It was crowded but everyone was cool and calm...no drama and that was
nice to see. I was overwhelmed at the sight of all of the people as we made our way up the escalators into the cold. It was just a sea of people...bundled up people with Obama gear.

In their faces you could see their anticipation, their optimism and that feeling of hope. I paused to take a photo and felt my eyes tearing up at the sight of all these people who believed in the impossible. We made our way to the mall and just enjoyed walking with the everyone else...stopping every now and then to take a photo. I saw Dr. Kings vision in front of me...people from all walks of life, races, religions, creeds, walking together smiling and sharing the same idea. I saw my elders who paved the way holding the small hands of grandchildren who will read about this moment in
their history books some day. Couples walking and holding hands...sharing in such a special moment together...families sharing this moment together...friends sharing this moment together..young people who may have been complacent before but who
now have a reason to believe in the impossible...all standing together with smiles on their faces and awe in their eyes at the sight that we have all come to this place at this time for this moment....Amazing

I didn't think I would be so emotional but when Barack took his oath, I found myself
shedding tears. I found myself overwhelmed at how far we have come and how
much is possible when faith and hope are combined with planning, dreaming and
actions. It was so inspiring to me...it filled me with a renewed sense of purpose to spend my days striving always for something bigger than myself...it caused me to
remember the importance of having big dreams....it made me think of my children and how one day I can tell them....I remember...I was there...

...more thoughts on my trip will follow.....but for now take care family ...

The Winter Blahs...

2009-01-14T22:38:00.001-06:00

It wasn’t a good day today. I’m feeling a tad bit down and overwhelmed. Not to mention….I AM SO OVER ALL OF THIS FREAKIN SNOW….CHICAGO WINTERS!!! My nice neighborhood turns into a scene right out of Sanford and Son with everyone “blocking” their parking spaces with anything they can find in their homes…chairs, ironing boards, old vacuum cleaners…it’s funny but tragic at the same time….It’s just an unspoken rule in Chi-town. If you shovel the space…it’s yours until the snow is gone! Not to mention Chicago winters also bring the dreaded pothole season….driving to work is an adventure to say the least.
So anyway I left my house at 5:45am as I usually do to take the kids to daycare, drop my son off at my friends and head to work…I made it to work 2 hours later…The snow was so bad…even the expressways weren’t plowed…Now they are saying record temps falling to 20 below Thursday…WELL THAT’S JUST GREAT! Maybe I should just ice skate to work!
Work was busy as usual and I’m ready for my week to be over. I’m headed to D.C. to participate in the festivities and see my friend who just moved back from overseas. It will be cool to hang out with her again and she can cook her *ss off!!! After work, I decided to head back to shopping because I still don’t have a dang dress….here’s where my day/evening goes from bad to worse…my kids are with me and they pick today to act a damn fool!!!! I found myself looking at my kids who were acting like they had never been anywhere and I try to keep in mind they are 2, 4 & 6 but today…Mommy just needed to find a dress and get home.
It didn’t help that the dresses I liked weren’t made for my body type…sometimes shopping is just depressing…I found myself losing patience and becoming angry… Even as I write these words, I’m finding I have to decompress and let the stress of the day go…these kinds of emotions are exactly what I’m not trying to bring into this New Year….
I don’t know what my problem is….today I just felt like a huge weight was on me…I felt burdened…overwhelmed…exhausted and stressed…What’s going on with me? I was so upbeat…now I feel so blah…I feel like something is missing in my life and I’m not quite sure what it is…

The Zsa Zsa Zsu...

2009-01-08T00:52:00.003-06:00

By now...we all know I'm a hopeless romantic. It's something I have learned to embrace. I haven't said much about this person because...i get too gushy...so I'll try to tone it down a notch...LOL!

I had another date with Mr. Zsa Zsa Zsu and as usual it was lovely. The perfect gentlemen, great conversation, laughter, subtle flirtations here and there and plenty of zsa zsa zsu. There's something so comfortable about him. I'm almost uneasy saying that. It's dates like these that make me thankful I have some willpower...otherwise I'd be putty in his hands. I am learning to have some patience...finally! Sometimes, these zsa zsa zsu moments get ruined when someone pushes to much too soon instead of just letting things progress naturally.

Sometimes I wish that Zsa Zsa Zsu feeling could last forever. For some lucky couples it does...they get married and have a lifetime of zsa zsa zsu. Then there are the rest of us...who spend our lives wondering if it exists and if so...how long will it last this time?

Mr. Zsa Zsa Zsu is different because there is a history of love and friendship...it's comfortable and familiar...that's the weird...scary....and exciting...thing about it all.

I have no idea why he's in my life now or how long he will remain but I'm enjoying his company, his conversation and put plainly....I just like hanging out with him again.

A change is in the air...

2009-01-07T21:50:00.003-06:00

I feel a shift right now in my life..

I can't really explain it but I know it's more than just a "high" because it's the start of the new year. I just feel better about things. Each morning I wake up and i see something different coming my way...a new blessing...a new opportunity...another chance.

I'm feeling creative again...something shifting and I'm not sure what....I just know whatever it is...IT'S GOOD!

What I won't do in 2009....

2009-01-04T10:36:00.003-06:00

I will not....

...allow my heart to be open unless someone is truly ready.
...take the ones I love for granted.
...allow one setback to make me feel like a failure
...allow my ex to get under my skin anymore
...give my power away
...share my dreams and thoughts with dream killers
...stop being creative
...stop dreaming, wishing, hoping and being optimistic.
...stop believing that REAL love exists for me
...allow myself to doubt my abilities and talents
...carry the title of "cheated on wife" this year (that part of my life is over!!)
...believing in the impossible
...take on too much this year
...struggle with saying no...
...lose sight of the goal.

MY WORD FOR 2009

2009-01-01T11:35:00.000-06:00

I mentioned my word of the year challenge a few posts ago but since it’s the start of a new year, I’ll elaborate. I stopped making resolutions 3 years ago after I took part in the Ali Edwards word of the year challenge. Truthfully, this has changed my life. The concept is basically choosing a word that sums up what you want for the year ahead. Three years ago, my word was JOY. At that time, I had been seeking to discover what real joy felt like. At the time, I never knew it would mean that my marriage would have to end. It was a learning experience for me and I’m grateful for it. I spent those 12 months redefining what changes I would have to make in order to achieve real joy. Last year, I chose the word reposition. I had ended a 13 year relationship and was starting over in almost every area of my life and I spent last year putting the pieces of my life together. It’s been hard and emotionally draining but when I look back over all that I have achieved in 12 months I know how real God is in my life. His love, grace and mercy have sustained me through it all and I can’t help but feel such a strong sense of accomplishment and gratitude. Last year, I found myself again and reawakened what has been dead inside of me for years. So that brings me to 2009. My word for the year is STEP.
I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life determining what I want and putting things in place to get there so this year…I’m stepping into everything that I know God has for me. This is truly the year that everything comes together. It is my prayer that at this time next year I will be on solid ground in every area of my life. I’ve put in so much work and I know there is always more to be done but I am ready emotionally, physically, spiritually to grab hold to my blessings and carry them on my life’s journey. I’m stepping into what’s mine in 2009 family and I have to say I’m excited about this year and the promise that it brings. I wish you all nothing but the best of what God has for you this year as well.

This Christmas...

2008-12-25T00:03:00.004-06:00

Hi Family...

It's officially Christmas and I've finished wrapping gifts and putting them under the tree for my children. As I snapped a photo of the tree, I was struck with how blessed I am. Look at what this single struggling mom did without using credit or over extending herself! This time last year, I had nothing and my pastor gave me money to buy my children Christmas Gifts. What a difference a year makes! I had to take a moment to remember what today is really about and how wonderfully blessed I truly am. Family, take care of yourselves and one another. Be close to your families today, tell those closest to you that you love them and most importantly, say a prayer of thanksgiving.

Merry Christmas!!!

Grown up Christmas List 2008

2008-12-24T11:01:00.000-06:00

Grown up Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa:

This year I would be so pleased if you would grant me the following…

1. A space to call my own.
2. More Scrapbook supplies
3. More time to just be quiet and still
4. A Jacuzzi
5. A SUV (Chicago winters are brutal and I need 4 Wheel drive!)
6. A relationship that makes me weak in the knees… full of great conversation, intimacy, fun filled romantic and spontaneous nights
7. A Caribbean Vacation
8. A new Camera and extra lenses
9. More Pole Dancing classes at Flirty Girl Fitness

I think I’ve been a good girl this year and would appreciate each item wrapped perfectly.

How thoughtful....Now I'm really confused.

2008-12-24T10:25:00.004-06:00

I was having the worst day yesterday. I had a crazy day at work and then I had to rush to my children’s Christmas program. Oh…and it was snowing again!!!! So I get to the program and my children were too cute. Even my little one who hollered, “I WANT MY MOMMY” through the entire rendition of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Then it happened, my ex showed up and it just got tense. We never spoke and you could cut the tension with a knife. Lately, I’ve been feeling angrier and angrier at him. I don’t know where this is coming from. I get angry because he’s a half assed dad to his kids. He just does the bare minimum (which is essentially seeing them every other weekend and even then…he doesn’t really do anything with them) I get angry when I see how much I’m struggling to make sure these kids are provided for and I know he has done nothing…then he waltzes up to the kids school (which he doesn’t help pay for) and acts like “Big Papa”. I was so annoyed by him.
At the end of the program, the kids chatted with him a bit and by this time it’s 7pm and I’m exhausted and I still have a ton of stuff to do (Wash Clothes, finish wrapping gifts, start baking, etc…) Not to mention, the kids and I have been up since 4am. I’m trying to get 3 little ones dressed to go out in a blizzard and I look up and see my ex just standing there looking at me. WTF!!!! Can you help out please? I was doing a slow burn for real….I finally told him he could just go. One of the other ladies helped me get the kids ready and we headed home, where I proceeded to get the kids fed, bathed, changed and in bed. By that time it was almost 11pm. After that, I had to go and shovel my parking space in front of my house to make sure I wouldn’t get stuck in the morning. (Atlanta is looking better and better to me I swear….)
Then Mr. R, a man I’ve been dating for a few months, called me. He asked me to come by because he wanted to see me before he left for the holidays (he was heading home). I was exhausted but I agreed to stop by for a quick minute. Anyway, when I got there he gave me a glass of wine and a hug. He said it looked like I had a long day. (How did he know that?) Then he made me sit down and close my eyes and when I opened them he proceeded to give me a Christmas Gift. I was completely shocked. (We don’t exchange gifts when dating... do we?) Anyway, I opened it and inside was a beautiful silver bracelet, some bath gels and cream (he knows I’m obsessed with skin care) and some lingerie. I was truly surprised.

I was completely caught off guard by this random act of thoughtfulness, spontaneity and romance. He was so sweet about it. I pay attention to little details and I noticed he picked something perfect for me. I have small hands and a very small wrist and this bracelet was delicate and elegant. It was perfectly suited for me…not to flashy just something really classy and elegant. He picked the perfect scent for me (How did he know I don’t like heavy fragrances) and the most beautiful lingerie in my favorite color, Pink. (And it was tasteful…not trashy). He even took the time to wrap the gift himself (I noticed that immediately because my dad has always had someone else wrap my mom’s gifts). It wasn’t perfect, but I could tell he didn’t just think of me at the last minute but really put some thought into it and I was moved. Sometimes, Mr. R can be such an affectionate and romantic man. He’s full of passion and spontaneity. (All the things that I like…) So what’s the problem? I have no idea….I’m just confused about it all. What does it mean? Does a man just buy a woman he is dating casually…jewelry? This man had made my day and made all of the stuff I was dealing with disappear for a moment...So what's the problem?

I like this man and I enjoy his company BUT something is missing, (My friends and I call it Zsa Zsa Zsu) Oh well, to all of you…have a Safe, Peace Filled Holiday full of joy, laughter, and love…

Take care family

I need a change...

2008-12-18T21:26:00.000-06:00

I’m tired and I need a change of venue and scenery. I feel stagnant in almost every area of my life and I’m starting to get irritated with it all. I feel locked into a job with no real future and it’s frustrating to me. I want to work in the legal field but it’s been difficult to find employment in any field in Chicago. My love life is even worse. It’s weird because I’m dating 2 different guys but they both are just OK. Neither one of them is really “floating my boat” right now. I just seem to get bored with each of them equally. Why do I continue to see them both? I’m not sure. I like one because he has great conversation and we enjoy many of the same things but the chemistry doesn’t seem to be there. The other guy I have chemistry with but it seems that is about it. There is something a tad too “hood” for me when I am with him. I’ve dated the so called “bad boy” before and that has always been a “crash and burn” type of relationship. Like I said, everything feels stagnant. I feel like I’m always on the “brink” of experiencing what I want out of life but yet I have yet to actually get there.
Every year I choose a word that describes how I want to live my life for the year. I started doing this two years ago for a creative project and it has turned into my annual tradition. Two years ago, I chose the word, Joy. I was in such a dark place then and it was what I felt like my life was missing. In truth, choosing to live a life full of joy brought me to the realization that my marriage was truly over and it gave me the courage to leave. This year, I chose the word, Reposition. In choosing to leave my husband, I had to start all over in every area of my life. I had been reading the book, Reposition yourself and got inspired by its message. I chose to “Reposition” myself this year. This entire year has been about me laying the groundwork and building a solid foundation in every area of my life; my love life, my work life, my spiritual life, my emotional life and my financial life. Each of these areas was badly broken and needed to be rebuilt from the ground up.
I’ve made some great progress this year. I’ve accomplished many of the goals I set out to achieve but yet I still feel so stagnant. Why? Am I not being patient enough? I just feel like I’m finally ready to step into what God has for me in 2009. That’s why I decided that my word for 2009 will be STEP. That’s what this next year has to be for me. I’ve laid the groundwork to reposition myself this year and next year, it’s time for me to step into my destiny.

Take care family,

Danie

Today...I am just trying

2008-12-17T19:31:00.002-06:00

...trying to keep it together
...trying to maintain my sanity
...trying to maintain my joy
...trying not to give up on love
....trying not to stop reaching, believing, hoping, wishing, praying
...trying to remain grateful
...trying to remember how far I've come, how much I've conquered and how much I've survived.

My life seems to be so chaotic right now, I feel like I'm just doing to much and I just can't seem to feel refreshed. I got a case of the blahs...but like I said...I'm trying....

Peace....

The Greatest show on Earth!

2008-11-19T22:02:00.000-06:00

Took the kids to the circus yesterday...just a few pics...

Indeed...Hope Won!

2008-11-05T20:13:00.004-06:00

As I write these words, I have loss my voice. Chicago came alive last night and I can't even adequately convey what I experienced at Grant Park and the Hard Rock Cafe. I have never experienced anything like this before. I'm so grateful I was here at this moment and a part of this piece of history. I cried as I thought of my children the possibilities that are on the horizon.
Anything is truly possible. We are more connected than we know sometimes and truthfully...our country is full of people who are good and honest. In a nutshell the good outweighs the bad. It's easy to forget that sometimes but last night I was reminded of what unites us and it made me proud.

I woke up this morning still stunned and the previous nights events. The love I felt from strangers of all races was overwhelming. As we watched CNN from our election party, our crowd cried, hugged one another, prayed together and celebrated this historic occasion. When we left and headed to Grant park, there were crowds and crowds of people on Michigan avenue shouting, cheering, crying and hugging one another. Strangers hugging each other and the love was so pure and so real. I have never felt that kind of unity in my life. I was so proud to be from the city of Chi yesterday. I wish everyone could have felt what I felt. Grant park was electric. As Barack Obama came out with his family I wept at what this meant for me...for my people...for my country and I couldn't help but feel so grateful.

I'm grateful for every ancestor, elder who kicked doors down to help make this moment possible. I'm grateful that my children were able to be a part of this moment in time. I had been crying all day. As I drove to work and saw lines at the polling places, I was so proud. We did it! We came out and we made our voices heard. We acknowledged the possibility of real change. We all know it won't come overnight but what a wonderful start....stay blessed family.

Frustrated...

2008-11-02T18:18:00.004-06:00

It's been a crazy weekend here in Chicago. The city is making preparations for the Big Obama bash in Grant Park. If he wins, it's going to be a amazing time to be in Chicago. As for my friends and I, we will be at the election night party at the Hard Rock cafe, hosted by Common. Now back to my crazy weekend....

It was my ex's weekend with the kids but it was also Halloween. I took the kids trick or treating then to their dad's house as usual. When I got to his house, everything seemed normal but then my ex asked me to stay with him. He was asking me on a date! It caught me completely off guard. I wasn't prepared for this one. I told him no and he proceeded to ask me again...almost begging me. All I kept thinking was, "Are you kidding me?" He proceeded to say "I made a mistake and I need you. I want you back". When I told him no, he proceeded to say that I must have someone else. I told him I did....ME. I told him I have me and I'm taking care of me and it's best for us to move on and I left. He called me on my phone and tried again to convince me to come back but I kept driving.

The funny thing is....I have dreamed about that moment. The moment my ex realized what he had in me and came begging. In my dreams I would shout angrily at him at what a fool he was, etc. Ironically, the feelings I had played over and over again in my head didn't occur. Instead I felt bad for him. I knew he was humiliating himself and I wanted him to stop. I felt no longing to be with him. As I drove home all I could think about was how long ago that feels to me. It's only been a year, yet so many things have happened. I've grown in so many ways and moved on. Part of me couldn't believe it took him a year to figure it all out. I told him how I understood how lonely he felt because I felt the same way a year ago. It's sad but truthful. I never thought I would be able to say it and mean it but I have truly forgiven him and moved on. I felt no anger, no rage just some pity and sadness at the pain he is feeling.

That night I proceeded to go out on a date with "Mr. R". I've been going out with him since July but it's just dating. Truthfully, he is not my type at all. He's a nice guy, we have great conversation, and fun times but I just can't allow myself to let it proceed any further. I still feel so closed off in some ways. Mr. R frustrates me sometimes. He's an artist (big surprise!) and he is also a single parent to a 16 year old. How do two single parents date? That has been such a tricky thing. At least for myself, I get regular breaks but he doesn't and it is hard to find time to spend together. Sometimes I get frustrated by it but I guess that's just the new way to date if you are a single parent.

Saturday, I went on another date with a guy I met through my job. This man has been asking me out for weeks and I've always refused. I finally gave in and said alright. He has been persistant and I guess a part of me likes a man who doesn't give up so quickly. Anyway, we went out and had a great time so we'll see what happens next.

I feel so frustrated. I don't know what I want. Sometimes I feel like dating, sometimes I want to be alone and sometimes I want a man to come home too or at least a relationship. I feel so flaky. I just can't seem to figure it all out. People keep telling me to take my time and ease back out there but right now I can't seem to decide if I want in or out....

What the hell do I want anyway?

PPS...I told you I took the kids out for Halloween....here are some pics (oh...the Obama family was there too! The kids were excited to see Barack Obama in person)

What a difference a year makes!

2008-10-28T19:16:00.002-05:00

Hey fam...

Feeling so reflective today...so thankful today. In reading some of my journals (I do that from time to time), it hit me that exactly one year ago today, I discovered my husband of 7 years was cheating on me. I caught him right there at her home and my world fell apart and life as I once knew it was no more. I look back on just one year ago and I am overcome with thankfulness. Last year I was so down, so depressed, so defeated. I was in a huge black hole of sadness. For a while I thought I was destined to stay there. I was left alone with 3 kids, no home, no job, no car and no money. It was truly the lowest point in my life.

YET...here I stand today. Working, living, driving, saving living my life with joy. What progress I have made in just one year. I'm working, back in school, driving a new car (well like new anyway:) and healing the heart that was left broken, battered and bruised.

Yes family it has been a struggle and I still have days when I cry my eyes out and wonder if things will get better but this year and taught me something I needed to learn...I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR. I AM A SURVIVOR AND WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE TRULY POSSIBLE. I hate to get all sappy but I can't help sing along to the song..."Never would have made it". It is the story of my life and I'm so grateful to God for bringing me through this storm stronger and wiser.

I still have so many goals to reach and so much more work to do but as I reflect on everything that I have managed to do, I know God's hand of protection never ceases to leave my side or the side of my family and I give him all the praise for that.

Take care family.

Moms Gone Wild!!!

2008-10-27T03:37:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone! I know I've been gone a while but once again...LIFE IS GOOD! I've been so busy working and attending school and being mom to 3 awesome kids, I haven't really found time to relax BUT...this past week, my girlfriends and I went to Cancun to just get away from the kids, husbands, ex husbands, jobs, drama, and take time for ourselves. We haven't been anywhere together since Freak Nic in college! I had such a great time with my friends. We kept joking that it felt like MOM'S GONE WILD! We relaxed in the sun during the day, shopped and ate in the afternoon and partied hard in the evening. We just let it all go for a few days and we all really needed it. We are already planning our next trip...hopefully to Aruba!

Too tired to care anymore...

2008-10-01T21:42:00.003-05:00

Hey Fam....

Today i'm tired as usual. That seems to be my mood lately. I'm always tired. I feel like a hamster in a wheel most days. My days seem to be never ending. I'm up at 4...work by 6:30...come home pick up the kids, do the homework, baths, etc...then I go to class...go to the gym...stay up do homework...etc...sleep for about 3 hours and the day starts all over again. I'm so exhausted. It seems like my life is just moving to fast. I have so many things to do and not enough time to do it in. How do I manage it all?

I'm finally back online!

2008-09-25T20:28:00.002-05:00

Hey Family:

I have been missing in action for a while. Dang computer completely shut down due to some type of virus. In any case, I had to get a new computer because it just didn't make sense to spend all this $$ repairing it. Anyway, life has been crazy busy lately. I'm back in school and started a few weeks ago. (Man...it is hard to do that again...I mean...Homework? Really?) Anyway, I keep telling myself to keep my eye on the prize and keep moving. It's going well. I am just getting used to being in school again.
My job has just gotten crazier. I work in Investments and our companies biggest clients are AIG, Lehman, JP Morgan, Bear Stearns...need I go on? So...needless to say, life has been crazy at my job. 12-14 hour days, no lunches...just insanity. Working in this business gives you a real understanding of what politicians talk about when they mention the economy and the market and such.
Anyway, as usual, life is busy but life is good. My love life is non-existent but like I said before, right now I'm on man strike. I am just really focusing on healing my heart and forgiving my ex (easier said than done). I'm gearin up for a well earned vacation soon. My girlfriends and I will be in Cancun for a week in October and I can't wait. I just really want to go away and do absolutely nothing for a while....guess I need to head to the gym to get this body in shape!

Stressed Out...

2008-09-02T20:05:00.002-05:00

Hey Family:

Today was the first day of school for all of the kids and it also was my daughters 4th birthday. It's been a busy weekend for me. I have been busy getting uniforms, supplies, and getting the kids ready for school. My son started a new school today! After 4 years of getting him into a good public school, I finally did it. (Thanks to a hook up with the local alderman!). Anyway, it's a math and science academy that is really good and compared to where he went to Kindergarten, I am so thankful.
On another note, I'm stressed out. I have kids in great schools but at different ends of the city. Because of my work schedule, my kids are up at 5:00 am every day and we don't get home until 6:30pm. When I get home there is still homework, baths, dinner, and story time. I'm exhausted and so are my kids. My oldest fell asleep in class today. I'm so stressed because I know the day is too long for them but I don't have a choice. My friends pick my son up from school and keep him until I get off work, then I rush to get the other two. It just seems like I'm so tired when I get home. I question if I am giving them my best at all times. It's just frustrating.
Then to make things even more frustrating, my ex husband calls at 8pm wanting to talk to the kids. (Hello...they are sleep!). He decided against being there for the first day of school and became irate because they were sleeping. I was furious. After all, what does he really do? He doesn't have to deal with daycare, pre-k, and 1st grade homework, transportation, etc....he doen't have to shuffle his schedule around for them at all...in fact, the kids are secondary to his acting career! I'm getting on a rant and I'm trying not to so I will leave it at that.
I just wish I knew how to balance it all sometimes....

I'm Back!

2008-08-22T21:21:00.005-05:00

I've missed reading everyone's post and catching up with all of you but life is still good. I was gone for a while. I took the kids to the Wisconsin Dells for some Waterpark fun. It was the first time I had got to go away with my kids...EVER! Anyway, the time spent with them was priceless. My oldest son ran up to me on our vacation and gave me the biggest hug and said, "mommy, i love being a family". Tears came down my face because I was so happy to hear him say something that sweet. I've tried to make sure they know we are still a family no matter what....sometimes it's good to know mommy's is doing a OK job sometimes!

In anycase, the Dells is supposed to be the "Waterpark" capital of the world and they delivered. We stayed at a hotel with a indoor and outdoor waterpark. It was great. Something for all ages even my little Elijah. He loved sliding down the "little waterslide" and Christian was running wild on the "Pirate Ship", Jada was quite the little lady wading in the toddler pool and mommy couldn't get enough of snapping pictures of her little one's. While there we also went to a amusement park for little ones and the kids got to ride their very first roller coaster and Go Karts! That was one of the funniest things I have ever seen! Jada looked like "Driving Miss Daisy" on that thing! It was hilarious. We also went to a really nice wild animal park called Storybook Gardens. The garden is set up with different posts that mimic popular nursery rhymes. The kids were each given a cup of food to feed ducks along the way. They were able to feed and touch other animals too! They fed a giraffe and we even all rode a camel!

We ate like pigs at a place called Paul Bunyan's. It's known for their all you can eat breakfast. It's super affordable and the kids loved it...especially the pancakes and donuts! I'm so glad I was able to take them. They have had such a tough year, it was nice to see them just be happy kids for a change...

A Mommy's Prayer...

2008-07-31T16:27:00.002-05:00

I’ve said it many times before…I love being a mommy. There is something about my children that just brightens my day no matter how bad of a day I have had. My kids give me boundless amounts of laughter, hugs and smiles each day with the little things that they do. They say the funniest things and at times they make my eyes well up with tears….For instance, this past weekend, I took my kids to the zoo and to dinner. When we got home we were all super exhausted and as I got my children ready for bed, my daughter runs up to me and gives me a big hug and says…”Mommy, you are my best friend”. Then their was the day when I had to stay home sick from work and my oldest son said to me, “Mommy, I don’t want you stay at home by yourself, I think I should stay with you and take care of you”. Then there are the evenings when I put my youngest son in the bed and he whispers to me, “I wuv you mommy”! It doesn’t get better than that. Sure there are moments of sheer terror too (temper tantrums, sibling arguments, begging for everything in the store, whining, etc…) but hey, at least there’s a balance. I look at my children and I see what sheer joy they have in their hearts and it eases my soul. I was worried the past 2 years of my life would have robbed them of that.

There are some days when I really wonder how my divorce has affected my children and it is a constant worry of mine that my children will suffer some residual effects from the drama that has been our lives for the past year. I try to talk to them about it and create an open atmosphere where they feel safe to tell me how they feel but how do you explain this situation to a 6, 4 and 2 year old? I am treading in new territory here….
Adjusting to the single life hasn’t just been my adjustment; it has been theirs as well. I’ve watched the confusion in their eyes as I try to explain why daddy doesn’t live here anymore. I have had to hold my tongue and my tears as I have listened to my 6 year old tell me that when he grows up, he’s going to argue with mommy too. (That broke my heart…how do I explain to him that’s not what family is all about, that’s not what marriage is all about?) I have had to answer my children’s questions without expressing my anger, hurt and pain towards my ex on a daily basis. I hate that they have had to endure this but it has been my prayer that they are as well adjusted as I can make them. It hasn’t been an easy road but for the first time in a long time I know I am much better off, much happier than I’ve ever been. I think of how scared I was to end my marriage and how many nights I wondered if I could ever make it on my own but now I see the truth…I was scared of coming into my own, realizing my own power and strength and it is my prayer that my kids one day will be able to look back on their childhood and know that my struggle was partially to make sure they always had the best possible home life as possible...A home full of joy, peace, laughter, security and love. I want them to know what a real marriage and real family looks like, whether there is a man in the home or not. I want them to understand that daddy is still daddy and we love them all equally. I even hope one day I can explain to them at that each of them was conceived in nothing but love. I hope one day they understand why I made some of the choices and decisions I have made.
Raising 3 children nowadays isn’t easy. There are so many factors that are trying to take our children out daily. As a mom, I try not to worry but I can’t help it. They are so innocent now…so untainted now…I just want them to feel their possibilities are limitless forever. How do I guard against the forces in this world that want to teach and show my children otherwise? As my children are starting to enter school, my worries and my fears increase.
I struggle with balancing it all. I struggle with trying to provide for my children financially while not sacrificing the quality time they each spend with me. I want my children to always know the love of their mom even when I’m not there. I want my children to see my struggles and my triumphs so that they know anything is possible. I want them to see a mom who is whole, happy and complete and not content to live a life that was just ordinary. I want my sons to know how to treat a woman and my daughter to know how she should be treated. I know they will only learn that by watching their mother and how she deals with relationships. It's ones of the main reasons I knew I had to end my marriage. I never want my son's to think treating a woman like that was acceptable. I never want my daughter to think that was how she was supposed to be treated as well. Truthfully, my children forced me to be stronger and trust in God and move forward with my life.

They truly saved me....

It's not the damn Olympics people!

2008-07-30T14:24:00.002-05:00

There have been plenty of people to offer me dating advice as I re-renter the dating game. The one thing I have heard over and over again is that “it’s a game…you just have to know how to play it…” I can’t tell you how sick and tired I am of that statement. Why do I have to play the game? What is it about men/women relationships that make us feel like we have to resort to children and start with the game playing? It starts at the very beginning…I have found that lately I am over thinking everything on a first date. It’s ridiculous. Why can’t I just go with the flow and let whatever happens happen? Instead I am trying to predict his next move and quietly questioning every single thing that comes out of his mouth. …As women we ask so many dang questions, it’s no wonder we are left confused most of the time….If I kiss him what will he think? How far will I go tonight? How long should I wait to call him? Should I wait for him to call me? Tons of ridiculous questions that usually go unanswered and I spend my time guessing. It’s like we are at war trying to calculate our enemy’s next move. Is that what the dating game is all about?
I know I'm ranting here but I am frustrated in more ways than I care to mention. I’m just tired of having all of these rules with dating. Will there ever be a day when men and women will just put those guards downs, be vulnerable and just live and enjoy the moment? Am I just too much of a romantic and not cynical enough? I just wonder if men and women will ever really begin to build sustainable relationships over time. How do you build something with someone that was based on hoping for the best but anticipating the worst?
There are days when I feel like going on “man strike” but I can’t. I’m a optimist, a hopeless romantic and a believer that love truly can change things but I feel like life, the dating game and the actual state of man/woman relationships is trying to turn me into a cynic. Somebody please tell me I’m not crazy….

FALLING AGAIN...

2008-07-29T11:29:00.002-05:00

Well, I finally went out with my former love and I have to tell you family…I haven’t felt that good in ages! It was so comfortable, so familiar, and so romantic. It felt as if 13 years hadn’t passed at all. The one thing about him (we’ll call him Mr. “C” for now) is that we were such good friends in the beginning. That friendship was still there even after all these years. We had dinner and drinks and then we took a walk along the lakefront. (Didn’t I say I love that stuff…refer to previous posts.) It was a perfect 80 degree evening and we took our shoes off and just walked along the lake shore. We climbed some of the beach rocks and just sat there staring at the lake, laughing and talking and wondering how we could have ever left each other’s side. What’s even funnier is that Mr. “C” has been adamant about not letting me go for a second time. He's told my friends already he will marry me next year (I can't even see marriage again right now!)He even remembered how he came up to my dad years ago and told him he loved me and was going to marry me (after he finished school). How funny is that! Anyway, we talked about old times, and the future. Every time he said, “I’m not letting you go again”, I melted. I kept thinking this feels so good, so right, and so perfect. I tend to over think and analyze everything nowadays. I hate that. All I wanted to do was stay in this man’s arms forever. I felt so….safe. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that about anyone. As much as I liked being with “Mr. B”, it’s different as what I feel for “Mr. C”. There’s history with “Mr. C”. I was in love with him. I remember how romantic and affectionate he used to be and when we were out nothing was different. He was still affectionate…he held my hand while we were walking, while we were just sitting down on the rocks talking, at one point, he just put his hands around me and kissed my neck so gently it sent shock waves through my body (at that point, I swear, I was trying with all my might to exercise some self control!). That may be TMI but I have to keep it real with ya!
He’s taking me out tonight (I actually have a sitter tonight since it’s my b-day) and I have to say I can’t wait to see him again. He looks at me with such intensity; it’s hard not to believe him when he tells me “I’m never letting you go again”. I know it’s soon, I know it’s not logical but damn….it feels soooooo good. What should I do? I know I get caught up in the romance of it all and I’m trying to use my head more instead of just my heart but when I do that I start questioning everything, getting all analytical and things seem to fall apart. With “Mr. C”, I really want to know if there is something there that’s real. I want to know if 2 people can find their way back to each other after 13 years. I want to know if I’m crazy to be feeling the way I feel right now….and honestly…it would be heaven to feel the love of this man again.
I guess I will keep you posted on the latest….

Oh... on another dating note…remember the other guy I met 4th of July weekend? Well that’s a wrap. I found out he lied about his age and is exactly 2 years younger than my MOTHER!!!! Don’t get me wrong…I like older men and all BUT this man has an AARP card! That’s just GROSS!!!

What a girl wants...That kinda love

2008-07-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

There have been many posts in the last few days about love and relationships so I thought I would include my own…I guess you could call it ”That kind of love list”...

I want that love…

…that on the phone for hours kind of love
…that time stands still kind of love
…that hot, steamy bubble baths for two kind of love
…that making dinner together kind of love
…that “no need to go out tonight” kind of love
…that “I’m free to be me” kind of love
…that “make me want to go out and buy something for your eyes only” kind of love
…the kind of love that makes you smile whenever I walk into a room kind of love
…that “I’m tired and I have to get up early in the morning but I don’t care I need to see you kind of love”
…that “Baby I’m just thinking about you kind of love”
…I want long walks and drives along the lakefront without saying one word kind of love
…that drive me crazy in a good way kind of love
…I want to be able to say I made love not just had great sex kind of love
…I want that romantic kind of love
…I want that let’s grow together, struggle together, fight and makeup kind of love
…I want that I’ll never let you go kind of love
…I want that for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer kind of love
…I want that faithful and loyal kind of love
…I want that “Yeah…that’s my woman” kind of love
…I want that “Ride or Die” kind of love
…I want that curl my toes kind of love
…I want that “love can conquer” all kind of love
…I want that “you’ll always be sexy to me” kind of love
…I want that “forever and ever” kind of love
…I want that “love without limits” kind of love
….I want that “I’m not scared to be vulnerable with you” kind of love
…I want that “I love to make you happy and smile” kind of love
…I want that unselfish kind of love
…I want that yearning, wanting, wishing, dreaming, and hoping kind of love
…I want that insatiable, can’t get enough of each other kind of love
…I want the crazy; can contain myself, constant PDA’s kind of love
…I want the “cry on my shoulder and let me take the pain away” kind of love

Am I dreaming? Is it possible? Does this really exist? In my heart, I believe it does. I just need to be patient and work on making sure I’m ready for him when God sends him to me!

The Perfect First date....

2008-07-24T11:09:00.003-05:00

…What is it about a first date…a first kiss that just makes me melt sometimes? Have you ever gone out with a man who does everything just right on the first date? I had a first date recently that went like that one. Our conversation was wonderful, I loved the way he stared at me and he was full of appropriate compliments (not the kind that make you feel like he’s reading from a script). He kept looking at me so intensely, it made me squirm. I wasn’t prepared for this. I’m feeling that thing you feel when you are smitten with someone. What is it about a black man eye’s that draw me in so much? It’s the intensity in which they look at me. What is it about a black man’s skin that makes me want to dive right in? He keeps staring at me from across the table at the restaurant…reaching to hold my hand and telling me what a wonderful time he is having with me…telling me I’m beautiful…you know…it’s those sweet compliments that make me blush while wanting him to say more. He is making me crave things I shouldn’t be thinking about right now. I want him to want to kiss me. I want his lips touching mine. It’s not appropriate for a first date (or at least that’s what I tell myself). I find myself having this internal conversation/debate…trying to convince myself that once I feel his touch I won’t crave more. At this point, I’m not sure if I’m craving him or just a man’s touch…..so I wait and try to be more patient but the anticipation is killing me….

On this particular first date there was an instant connection, an instant physical attraction but yet I held back. He wanted to kiss me but I rejected his advances. Why? I keep asking myself the same question. Am I so caught up in what I think I’m supposed to do that I just don’t do what I feel most of the time? Or am I just scared of wanting and craving more of a man’s touch that I will completely lose myself to the passion that is burning within me? Sometimes I think people forget that I’m a woman first. Before I’m a mother and employee and all those other things…I’m a woman with needs, desires, wants. Mommy’s need some sexual satisfaction too you know! I am a woman who desires the touch that only a man can provide. There is something about the way a man caresses my skin that sends shock waves through my body. I feel like a volcano sometimes waiting to erupt. I try to keep those feelings buried up and keep myself busy with the day to day grind of things but….there are some times…usually late at night when I will wish for a man’s hands to gently caress my body and shower me with soft, gentle kisses. I long to feel passion again. I want to come to bed in something sexy again…I want to be undressed again….caressed…kissed…touched…again. The waiting game is a hard one and perfect first dates don’t make it any easier to bury those feelings or put them aside. I guess deep down I just don’t want to get “caught up” in another “crash and burn” relationship. You know the ones that start off “hot and heavy” then end as fast as they started. I want something real…something 3 dimensional…Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage myself by denying what I want at the moment. I keep telling myself that good things come to those who wait but my body’s alarm clock has been ringing for what feels like forever.

Adventures in Dating...Pt. 1

2008-07-24T09:22:00.001-05:00

Happy Thursday Blog Family. I have had an interesting couple of days to say the least. I don’t know if I mentioned it but over the 4th of July weekend, I was out with friends and met a guy who eventually asked me out. He seemed nice enough, interesting but I can’t say there was a serious attraction there but in any case I thought what harm could there be in dinner and drinks? Anyway, this past week we finally hooked up for our first date. Funny thing is we had a great time, great conversation, laughter and he was a perfect gentlemen. So you are probably thinking…what’s the problem then? Well, first he is about 12 years older than me. He’s divorced with a teenage daughter whom he has custody of (for some reason I always question why a mom isn’t with her children) and again…he is physically not my type. What’s wrong with me? Am I not being open to the possibility of meeting someone who doesn’t fall into my little box? Should I be open to dating someone that I normally wouldn’t? Well I guess we will have to see. I’m going out with him again next week so we will see how it goes. Oh and by the way…yes he is another creative type. (Art director for a magazine by day and painter/filmmaker by night). Here we go again….
That same weekend, I also ran into the man I dated before I met my ex-husband. Damn he looked good too! He had put on some weight over the years but he had the same beautiful smile and the most gorgeous brown skin you’d ever want to see. It was good running into him and I think he looked genuinely surprised to see me as well. He was shocked to find out I was divorced with 3 little ones. (Not surprising…since back then I was adamant about never having kids and never getting married!). Anyway, we said we would connect and maybe get together to have drinks some day soon. Well, he finally called last night and I was on the phone with him for hours. It was weird. It was like old times again. There was a certain level of comfort in our conversation that only comes with people who really know each other. I kept wondering, why in the hell did we ever break up? I couldn’t remember any real issues when we were dating. Then he reminded me that I broke up with him to be with my now ex-husband….DAMN! I swear I don’t remember that one. My issue with him is that he has never been married and never had any children. I’m not so sure about that one. During our conversation, he kept telling me how much he has missed me, etc….and I realized I’ve lived a whole different life since we last spoke. Could we really have anything in common now? Realistically, how probable is it to reconnect and have a successful relationship the 2nd time around? Who knows? At this point, I’m just taking my time with both of these guys and seeing what happens. The good news is that I have actually had a few good dates lately. Laughter, great conversation, good food, good wine….no complaints here. I just need to stop over analyzing everything so much.

Grateful List...Friday 7/18 Edition...

2008-07-18T11:04:00.002-05:00

This week, I am thankful for….

The Lord Almighty: For continuing to show me that you are a very real presence in my life. I never would have made it!!!
Financial progress: Finally getting my financial house in order
School: Yep! I’m finally going back in September for my MBA and JD….In 3 years, put that Esquire on the end of my name!
My job: for stressing me out so bad that I desire more for my career than just making other folks rich!
My brother, Joe: I’m so proud of you….2 months in Australia and Thailand are going to change your life. I’m so happy you took a chance and left the south side of Chicago to see a piece of the world.
Alpha Learning Center: For providing my kids a place that stretches their imaginations encourages learning and loves and nurtures them as much as I do at home!!! It gives this mommy peace of mind to know her kids are in a safe, nurturing environment all day!
Elijah: Mommy’s youngest turns 2 today. You were my surprise child. I questioned God when I learned you were on the way. You came into this world when my life was in chaos and I questioned God's timing. You and brought a joy to my life that I would have never known without you. It’s because of you that I found myself and my faith again! I love you little man!
Jada: My precious daughter for being such a girly girl (just like your mama!). You keep me laughing every time you tell me you want to get a “mana-cu" and a "peda-cu" (manicure and pedicure). You sound so adorable! We have a special mommy/daughter day coming up this Sunday!
Christian: For being such a great big brother to your little bro and sis! For being my awesome helper! For being a wonderful budding actor (I guess it’s just in your genes!). It touched my heart to hear you ask if you could spend your own $2 to buy
Scrapbooking and Photography: I re-discovered my love for these this past weekend and being creative again felt so good. The best thing for me is to recall a memory and document it.
Fun Family Friday’s: It’s our little tradition in our home. The kids and I do this every Friday to prepare for our weekend. I pick up some food, the kids pickup a movie and we eat, play a board game, pop some popcorn and watch a movie…just me and the kids…snuggled up on the couch…it’s the best feeling in the world for this mom! It makes the daily grind worth it!

Be blessed family….

Keeping the Faith...

2008-07-15T16:15:00.002-05:00

Last week I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Feelings about my failed marriage kept creeping up and I felt myself falling back into that same ole pity party I used to be content in. I felt all of those old feelings coming rising back up into my consciousness…feelings of doubt, insecurity, worthlessness…etc. I was just really in a bad place emotionally last week. It left me depressed and frustrated at the same time. I know healing is a process but I’ve never been a patient person and just wanted to not feel these things anymore.

Anyway, two Sunday’s ago, I went to church and heard a sermon that just really blessed me. “Where is God when it hurts" (take a listen). That sermon couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I cried through most of that sermon. Anyway, the basis of the sermon posed the point….When it seems like nothing is going right in your life….Will you trust him? I guess that’s the real question. Will you trust him…Will you trust God even when you don’t like his timing…….will you trust him when you don’t agree with his decisions…will you trust him when God has not asked your permission…will you trust him when God has not asked for your vote, your permission or your opinion? I have struggled with this. I say on a daily basis that I trust in God with my whole heart but I struggle with understanding why my life has gone in a totally different direction than I planned. I’ve been told I can be too analytical or that I think too much and perhaps that’s true. Since my ex and I split up, I have been going nonstop and I think last week my mind, body and soul were telling me to just be still. I’ve been working crazy hours, running the kids around everywhere and when the kids aren’t with me…I’ve been partying, hanging with friends, dating, etc…this past weekend…I just decided to do absolutely nothing. I needed to be alone in my own space to collect my thoughts, replenish my spirit and my soul and just pause to really think about the state of my life right now.

In my prayer time, I realized that I’m so much better off than I was in January. In January of this year, I had nothing. I mean I had no car, no job, not even a checking account in my own name…absolutely nothing! Here it is now…July and I’m working, I have a new car, a checking and savings account in my own name and I’ve made gigantic leaps financially. I’ve paid off some debts, managed to save some money to take the kids on a mini vacation in August, and take a well needed trip to Mexico with friends in October. I remember in January how depressed I was and how many nights I cried thinking this was going to be my life forever….I was truly hopeless. This weekend, I really realized how far I’ve come and how much my life has improved in just 6 short months. God is truly been right here in the midst of my hell slowly but surely guiding me through this mess until I come out on the other side…whole, healed, complete, happy, joyful, wiser and stronger. It was a real revelation for me.

I’ve been moving so fast…I haven’t taken the time to slow down and just remember what God has brought me through already. I guess that’s what makes my faith stronger….remembering what God has already done in my life. So with that said…my pastor posed the question to us and asked where God is when it hurts? The answer is right by my side!

Have a blessed week everyone!

When will it stop?

2008-07-11T09:07:00.002-05:00

I was at work yesterday minding my own business when it happened. My cell phone started buzzing. It was my ex sending me a text or so I thought….it was actually a text for the woman he cheated on me with. She is an actor just like my ex and he was telling her…”I hope you got something to eat…break a leg tonight.” I was seething all over again. When will I stop being so full of anger and rage at this man? I don’t want him anymore but I feel so disrespected all over again whenever this chick is thrown in front of my face. It's like...I'm right back at that girls house when I discovered he was cheating on me. All of those feelings come rushing back again...

I’m tired of hating him….but I do. I hate what he has done to me, our kids, and our family. I hate her for being comfortable in being the 20% chick. I hate him for continuing this relationship (although, he has insisted it was over from the moment I caught him…again more lies…). I hate her for knowing who I was…smiling in my face…all while sleeping with my husband behind my back. (I mean really…where is the sister respect here?)

I feel like this wound is never going to heal. I have been up all night raging about it. It just brings back all of those memories…catching him in the act…hearing his lame excuses…his blaming me for his infidelity…I really want to get to the place where I wish him well but I’m not there yet. I want him to hurt the way I do….feel the pain and devastation that I feel…have to start over with nothing…I know it’s immature but I need to just vent right now!

Every time I feel like I’m closer to healing and forgiveness…something comes up to show me how much I’m not over the hurt, pain, devastation of all of this. I’m tired and I just want this anger, rage and pain to be released from my heart. I know it’s not helping me but hindering me but I just don’t know how to free myself from it all….

Anything is possible....

2008-07-08T15:30:00.002-05:00

It’s been a while since I have blogged…just been busy lately. Work has me stressing but other than that…I can’t complain. Kids are doing well. They are all in summer camp and having a great time. I have spent the last few weekends hanging out with friends. This past weekend was so much fun. My friend threw a birthday party for her husband on Thursday night and we had so much fun. I’m enjoying going out again and meeting people. Friday, we all headed to my friend’s family’s annual 4th of July picnic. My family has to be the only black family that never had family BBQ’s, family reunions, etc…It’s a running joke with all my friends. Anyway, it was really my first time at a family reunion. I felt like I was in the middle of a Tyler Perry movie. I could never relate to his movies because it was never my experience. Anyway, I met the “Big Tony’s”, “Cousin Maine” and all her kinfolks and it was too much fun. It was 4th of July weekend and in Chicago there is always plenty to do. On Saturday, we went to the annual house party on the lakefront. I had too much fun…it’s just like one big black reunion. I ran into old friends from grammar school, high school and college. Folks just pack up coolers and picnic baskets and kick it on the lakefront from 10 in the morning to 10 in the evening…dancing and remembering how we used to go to some of the old clubs in the city that played house music…Pharris was spinning and it brought back some really great memories of old times. My hair was so messed up by the time we left….I danced too much and too hard…I had so much fun…I didn’t even take any pictures (not like me at all…I always have my camera ready!) Summertime in Chi-Town is always a good time. From family picnics, the African/Caribbean Fest (Beenie Man tore it up!), parties on the lakefront…or just hanging out…you can always find something cool to do in the city. It’s one of the things I love about living here. I even found time to go to the spa with my mom for a quick manicure, pedicure and facial. (I forgot how good it feels to take care of yourself sometimes). I’m solo now…my family has all gone out of town. My parents are on a cruise to the Bahamas as we speak and my brother is on his way to Australia and Thailand for 2 months. I’m so excited for him. This is the brother that the streets tried to get but thankfully they were not successful. My brother used to be involved in street life but over the past 6 years, he has turned his life around completely. Now he helps young people turn their lives around. I’m so proud of him. I’m watching God bless him and I continue to be amazed at just how awesome God is. Watching my brother reminds me that with God, all things are truly possible. There is nothing God can’t turn around…no matter how hopeless it is

Live Free or Die...

2008-06-19T19:13:00.006-05:00

This week I've been so depressed. I am so tired all of the time. I work 10 hour days and my weekends seem to go by so fast. I'm tired... I'm tired of being tired. My job is killing me. The time away from my family bothers me so much. I'm trying to provide for them...give them a better life and yet I feel like I'm sacrificing precious time with them and I resent it sometimes. Why is starting over so hard? I feel like I can see where I'm going but it seems so far away sometimes...almost unreachable. There are days when I just get angry sometimes. It seems so unfair. Here I am at the end of yet another relationship disappointment while my ex seems to cruise along with his 20%. At times I even find myself angry at him (my ex) for putting me in the position of having to date again when I was so content being a wife. Here I am struggling financially, trying to pick up the pieces and start over and I feel like I still can't breathe sometimes. I'm still dependent on so many people. I hate it. I want my freedom, my independence back. The life I live right now is suffocating. I try to take time for myself to re energize but it never seems like enough.
I want so much more for my life right now and I seem to have nothing but obstacles in my way, trying to break my spirit and my will. Everytime I seem to come up with a plan of action, it seems as if I'm still dependent on someone else to make it a reality. I want to go back to school but how? I have 3 kids. Who's going to watch them at night? When will I actually get to spend time with them if I go back to school? It's so frustrating. I wonder if the time will ever come when I can truly thank God for this period in my life. Starting over is so hard, so frustrating, and so humbling. Little things happen that remind me that I'm no where near where I want to be and I have to fight the feelings of failure daily. I'm so much more than this...so much more capable than this...so much more loving than this...so much stronger than this...
I try to tell myself that everything comes in "due season" but the truth is...I'm ready now! I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of people telling me...it will get better with time. The time is now! My life needs an upgrade now! I have to make things happen now!
I feel like if I don't...what's left of me is going to die. The spirit that lives within me, my joy, my optimism, my faith, my hope and my passion is going to wither away and die. I hate that I even wrote that but it's how I feel right now. Truth is...I feel like my life is in the hands of other people and I want it back. I want to stand on my own two feet and be OK. The problem is that I just can't. I'm not a "one woman island". This entire experience has taught me that I do need help sometimes. I do need a shoulder to lean and cry on. I do need my family to help me "get back on my feet" and friends to encourage me and make me laugh again. I recognize that I need these things and I really try hard not to complain. I know I'm blessed beyond measure. I just want to stand on my own now...and finally put my past behind me. My failed marriage, other failed relationships, poor decisions and choices...I want it to wash away. I don't want it to define me for the rest of my life.
I've always been independent. I've always liked having my "own stuff"...but that all has been taken away and I'm rebuilding my life...repositioning myself...and trying to understand it all. I feel so trapped by my own existence. Although I'm out of that crippling relationship, I still feel like such a victim and I hate it. I'm tired and just want to be free from it all...

Ladies Weekend...Again!!!

2008-06-16T14:49:00.004-05:00

I hope your weekend was enjoyable. My girl DB was in town from NY and we all got together to hang out. My girlfriends and I have been friends since the 6th grade. We went to grade school, high school and college together. It’s a rarity to get all of us together for a night of dinner, drinks, and clubbing (yes, I went clubbing!!!), so when we do it’s a ton of fun!
Anyway, we all met up at the shop (like we always do) and got ready to get out…we went to dragonfly for dinner and drinks and some dancing. Unfortunately, our food service was terrible and we brought it to the attention of the owner who immediately took care of our bill and gave us a round of drinks and a shot of tequila for our “inconvenience”. (How could we say no to that!)? Anyway, that got our evening started and we headed upstairs and partied until 2am! I was so tired…but we didn’t stop there! We headed to “Red Note 5” and hustled our way inside (no way…we were paying a $20 cover!). My girls have the gift of gab and got the bouncer to let us in for free!! Once inside we partied some more! (WTH!! I’m not in my 20’s anymore!). We danced until my feet hurt, laughed all night and had an awesome time. It’s so funny, we had 20 something guys hitting on us all night. One guy even came up to me and asked me, “Are you home from school?” I just laughed and told him I’ve been home from school about 10 years now!
I had such a great time with my friends. They are the ones who will always bring me out of a funk. DB was so sweet…she just kept saying, “Girl…you don’t even look like you have 3 kids under the age of 6!” She has no idea how great that made me feel. I try to at least look like I have it together…even when I don’t…again I digress but anyway, she was a sweetie for telling me that!
Needless to say, by Saturday morning I was more than ready for my spa day. I got up and found the nearest Starbucks and headed to the spa… where I must say, I truly relaxed. I got a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage, Dead Sea salt body scrub and a hydrotherapy bath! It was hours of pure bliss and I must do it more often. (Maybe not all at once but at least something once a month!). By the time I left, my skin was glowing and it felt wonderful. More importantly, I felt renewed and refreshed. I have always been a “girly girl” by nature so I have always like stuff like spas and makeup and stuff like that but my spa trip was so much more than just getting “pretty”. It was about taking some time for me…some uninterrupted quiet time. As a mom to 3 little ones, a few hours of silence is golden to me! For the first time in a long time I just rested my mind, body and spirit. It felt sooo good. Later that night, my friend’s sorority had a “all white” party, so I came just to hang out. I was so tired from partying the night before and so rested from the spa day earlier, I didn’t even stay long. I just stayed 2 hours and left. I went home and crashed…
Sunday the kids came home in the evening and we celebrated Father’s day with my dad. My dad is so funny. He never wants to do anything fancy, so my mom and I picked up a steak dinner from the Outback steakhouse and his favorite Bakers’ square pie and he ate at home and watched the game. It was a lazy day but it was just how my dad likes it. All he needs is his family, a good meal and a good game. I watched him surrounded by his children and grandchildren, eating his steak and he looked so content. You could see it in his eyes, how blessed he feels. In my dad’s eyes, his life’s worth was right in front of his eyes and it was priceless…it was his family.

What a girl wants...Pt. 3-For my career...

2008-06-16T10:10:00.002-05:00

Going back to the corporate world after 3 years has not been easy. You can never go back to where you were (especially if you are a woman). I can’t tell you how many interviews I had gone on and watched the interviewer look at me like I had 2 heads when I told them I decided to stay at home with my children. It wasn’t just men either; women seem to be equally perplexed as to why I would do such a thing. Oh well…I am just realizing that I’m not walking back to the corporate world with the big title and big paycheck but I will have to take a step back, a pay cut to get to the next level. I am now at a stage in my life where I have to re-evaluate what type of job I want. I used to love having a job that required a lot of travel but now as a single parent to 3 little one’s that’s not so realistic. I love commercial real estate because it has always been a challenge to me. No building is the same and the management of each building requires something different. It challenges me to be creative in an industry that doesn’t usually like to step outside of the box. It’s fast paced and it keeps my interest. I’m never bored but the market is bad right now and the jobs are just not as plentiful as they used to be. So instead I work in investments now, learning something new while looking for an opportunity that fits my gifts and my talents.

I want a career that allows me the work/life flexibility to still be the involved mom I want to be.
I want a career that challenges me and that encourages me to learn new things and grow.
I want to be paid what I’m worth
I want to go back to school (get that law degree…I’ve thought about it long enough. Each semester I don’t go, puts me further away from the goal)
I want my career to enable me to LIVE a better life not BE my life.

The Grateful List...Friday Edition

2008-06-13T15:19:00.002-05:00

Well..I have come to the end of a rough week but there is always something to be grateful for….so here it is…my grateful list…

My friends- I can always count on them to make me feel better, encourage me and lift me out of my self-imposed funk.

Mr. “B”-Thank you for removing yourself from my life. I have had some time to think and I realize you were right…I’m not ready for you (I’ve had men like you before and they continue to hurt me)…it’s time for me to enjoy the company of a man who is truly into me and the truth is…you just weren’t. There are no hard feelings…I truly wish the best for you. Our time together was fun and enjoyable and I have no regrets....once again...you letting go allows me to make room for that special someone to come into my life and that special someone to come into yours....

The Miz-Girl you are truly a blessing…your writing and your poetry is encouraging, inspiring and full of truth. I enjoy reading your blog all the time. You are my new blog "sistah"!.

Lovebabz-Girl I took the time to read your blog from the beginning and you have inspired me truly!!! Your story is so honest, so raw and so pure. I hope you know there are people like me who admire your openness, honesty and vulnerability in your writing.

My Daddy-Thank you daddy for being the man, the father, the husband, grandfather that you are. I am so privileged to be called your daughter and words will never be able to adequately describe everything you have ever done or meant to me. It’s funny; I respect and admire you more now that I am an adult. Thank you for setting the example of the kind of husband, father and man that I want to bring into my life. It is because of you that I can recognize when that man just isn’t the one because you set the standard so high!!! Thank you for your love, patience, encouragement and for allowing me to still be a “daddy’s girl” even now that I am a grown woman.

Have a good weekend people! Celebrate fathers/daddy's this weekend too! They really don't get enough love and credit for what they do. If you have a man in your life who truly is a great father/father figure...give him a hug and let him know how appreciated he really is. As for me, I will be treating myself to a spa getaway where I plan to wash, soak, massage off all of the drama and mess from the week. Like I told my friends, I took my 24 hours to get over "Mr. B" and I'm moving on...taking lessons from the short time we spent together but appreciating how wonderful it was at the time.

So, ladies...if you are a single mom like myself (and if your kids are with their dad this weekend or if you can get a sitter)...take some time to do something fabulous just for you...Lord knows we deserve it!!!

What a girl wants...Pt. 2 (Is he out there?)

2008-06-11T12:59:00.007-05:00

I read Miz’s blog post yesterday ("Beauty, Brains and everything in between"…if you haven't read her stuff...check it out..she is a incredibly gifted writer...check out her other site too with her beautiful poetry) and it brought me to tears. It said some of the very things I wish I could say to “Mr. B” right now. He has hurt me deeply and I’m left with confusion, sadness and again…disappointment. After reading her post, it got me once again thinking…IS HE OUT THERE?
Let me first say that I know I am a woman with many imperfections. However, what has remained consistent in me is my heart. What I know for sure is that I am a good woman. I am the kind of woman a man would be proud to have on his arm. A woman who is strong, and independent (but not so much so that I can't admit I still need you). I am a woman who loves passionately with all of my heart. I'm the nuturing type. I feed your mind, your soul, and your spirit. I’m looking for my compliment…I’m looking for a man who is STRONG enough to be with me, to stand by me, to go through the fire with me, and to love me endlessly. I’m looking to share myself with a man who understands me and accepts me..."flaws and all", a man who loves the fact that I’m passionate, affectionate and romantic...and even a tad quirky sometimes. I’m looking for the man who just “gets it" and is unafraid of being in a relationship and everything that comes along with that. Nowadays men seem so non-committal, so distant, so afraid. Are there any strong men left? Now that I'm older (and hopefully...prayerfully...a little wiser...), what attracts me most about men are their minds, the things they are passionate about, the way they love their kids, and their conversations. (Don’t get me wrong…I do have eyes and I don’t ignore the physical…it just takes a bit more than that to “hook” me…) This brings me to Pt. 2 of my “What a girl wants” blog post…

What I want in my intimate relationships….
I want u to make me laugh and smile
I want u to flirt with me
I want u to make time for me
I want u to make an effort to get to know me
Be a gentleman
Act interested and don’t play silly games
Be honest and open with me
Be vulnerable and strong at the same time.
Be affectionate and romantic
Know that you don’t’ always have to do something big and grand…I cherish the little things.
Be confident and secure
Be ambitious and passionate about something
Know how to communicate effectively
Respect me and yourself
Be unselfish
Be spiritually connected
Be family oriented
Be well rounded (culturally aware)
Be open to trying something new
Be strong enough to tell me no (sometimes)
Know how to apologize
Do “guy stuff”: fix a tire, assemble something…work in the yard...use your hands
Be well groomed
Be emotionally open
Be able to have a conversation about almost anything
Be spontaneous
Be financially responsible
Be goal oriented (don’t just live for now...plan for the future)

I’m sure I could think of some other things…but for now…that’s all I have…What do you want from your intimate relationships?

You hurt me....

2008-06-11T10:47:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we spoke and the truth finally came out. I was completely unprepared for your reaction. It cut so deep and I am still shocked at what you said. After all of our wonderful conversations, how could you think so little of me? How could you question my integrity, my honesty and my intentions? I liked you…I mean…I really liked you. I thought you were unique, different and special. I opened up to you, shared my thoughts, desires, and told you what my life was like now…raising 3 kids on my own and yet you continued to question me and my motives? I’m so confused. Once again, I am left wondering, how did I make the wrong choice again? Is this what dating is all about? If it is…I’m done. My heart can’t take it.
How could you be so selfish…so arrogant…so cold? It’s unbelievable to me. I question how I could have gotten caught up with someone like you. How could I have thought you could be that special someone? It’s a shame because like I said, I liked you. I thought you were smart, talented, gifted, and more importantly a guy with a great heart and integrity, but I see you are no different from most. You are average, ordinary and a cliche. Truthfully speaking, we both made mistakes. I will admit I got emotionally attached too soon, said too much too soon and should have stopped myself before I got carried away but to have you lash out at me with the anger and malice that you did made me look at you with open eyes and now I know the truth. You were only looking for something one dimensional…again not really wanting to get to know who I really am...Stuck on the physical instead of seeing all of me. I thought you were deeper than that. I never expected you to hurt me the way you have. I never expected you to make me feel so low. What’s worse is you don’t even seem to care. So once again, it leaves me dazed and confused.

The Graduate!

2008-06-10T19:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, my son graduated from Kindergarten. I’m so proud of him. He graduated at the top of his class! I know it’s only kindergarten but this year has been really tough on him and we hit a “rough patch” right after my ex and I separated. His entire world was turned upside down. His mommy went back to work, his dad wasn’t living at the house anymore, and he was in a new school and a new environment. He has had quite a bit to adjust to (more than he should have…) but he has made me proud yet again. After graduation, my family and I took him to the “rainforest café” (the kids loved it but what a ripoff!!!!).

My ex came to the graduation too but we were not together. For the first time, I actually felt pity for him. He looked so alone and out of place like he didn’t belong. I saw him standing in the corner looking at my son and I just told my son to go over and spend time with his dad. My ex looked so sad. I actually felt bad for him. It is as if he saw the reality of this situation. We will never be what we used to be. These were things we used to do together and now because of our situation…it will never be the same again. This is our new reality. Separate celebrations, birthdays, holidays….and its’ a shame. For months, he has told me that he “…didn’t do anything to hurt his family…he only hurt me…”. He never understood that he hurt all of us and everyone has had to adjust, heal and move on.

As my family and I prepared to leave, I just watched him out the corner of my eye looking at us and the sadness in his eyes said it all….

WHAT A GIRL WANTS...PT. 1

2008-06-06T11:36:00.006-05:00

Like I said before, I have been really diving into this question lately but I realize I want different things in different areas of my life. So I’ll divide this into a few different parts. What I want in my spiritual life, in my intimate relationships, my career and what I want for my family. Sometimes my needs/wants/desires will intersect across these various titles but for the most part…I have different needs for the different parts of me. I’m a huge believer in the power of putting your words down on paper but I guess my blog will do for now as well...What do you want for your life?

What a girl wants...My Spiritual Life....

...I want to learn how to be a great woman of faith…similar to the women in proverbs 31.

“…A woman of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. …She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family…She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night… she opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy…She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised…”

...I want to learn how to pray effectively…for the people I love the most (my mom calls these people “prayer warriors”…little does she know she is one too). She has always told me that having children will bring you closer to God in your prayer life more than anything else. I think she is right.

...I want to be more consistent in time spent in God’s presence. I need to just make time to be still and listen.

Why I love and respect this man....

2008-06-05T08:56:00.006-05:00

The man you see in this picture is my pastor, Rev. Michael Pfleger. I’m sure some of you have read about him recently in the papers and on the news but I guess I just wanted to share with you who he is to me. I had someone tell me recently that they could never attend a church headed by a white man. I suppose it would be easy to question a white man who adopts 2 black children and pastors a predominately black church on the Southside of Chicago. I suppose it would be easy to wonder if he was for “real” or if he was just “postulating” for a black crowd with his so called “antics” but what I can tell you is this…He loves his church community. He has done more than talk about poverty, injustice, racism, economic empowerment…he has put his words into action and you see the fruits of his labor throughout the Southside of Chicago. My Faith Community does more than go to church on Sunday and go home…we attempt to put our faith in action (after all…isn’t that what we are called to do as Christian’s?”)

“…The Faith Community under Fr. Pfleger’s leadership has had significant impact in the Auburn Gresham Community and the city of Chicago. This impact is been realized in our Employment Center that services over 7000 people annually; a social services center that feeds, clothes and advocates for over 20,000 per year; a youth center that assists over 25,000 young people; a grammar school that has a current enrollment of 530 students; two safe homes for foster children; and a homeless intervention program that has moved over 30 men back into active society. St. Sabina has brought over 80 units of affordable senior housing to the community, not to mention the numerous businesses that St. Sabina has helped to facilitate along 79th Street. The Faith Community has also helped in the rehabilitation of drug addicts and prostitutes. Our Faith Community has worked to eliminate the sale of drug paraphernalia and tobacco and alcohol billboards around schools. In fact, the City of Chicago SAM program, (Selling Alcohol to Minors) was modeled after a St. Sabina response to the sale of liquor to young people in our community. We have funded an AIDS Clinic in Africa, helped over 200 Katrina survivors who relocated to Chicago, and exposed youth to some of the greatest international leaders including Bishop Tutu, Paul Russesabagena from Hotel Rwanda, and the vice president of South Africa, just to name a few. St. Sabina also supports parishes in Mexico and around the world. All of these efforts have grown and are a direct result of Fr. Pfleger’s direction and leadership. For clarity, The Faith Community of St. Sabina is broader than Fr. Pfleger. It consists of over 2000 people, both young and old, married and single, black, white, and Latino who are committed to the clarion call of justice and assistance to those in need. St. Sabina has ministered a message of hope and healing to thousands of people, the indigent and the wealthy, those in Chicago and the Suburbs, catholic and non catholic alike. St. Sabina and Fr. Pfleger’s ministry has also brought many disenchanted Catholics back to church... …”-Excerpt of statement issued by the Faith Community of St. Sabina

Fr. Mike has been a friend to my family for many, many years and he has extended himself to my family in ways that go way beyond the call of “pastoral” duty. In a lot of ways I credit him and his ministry for bringing me back to my faith…not Catholicism but my Christian faith. He was instrumental in helping my brother find his calling in life after initially going down the wrong path. He baptized each of my children, married me, and counseled me when my marriage ended. He helped my ex and I when neither one of us was working and even now…has reached out to help, assist, and counsel me while I rebuild my life. I have an immense amount of respect for this man not for what he says but for what he has done for me, my family and countless others.

I am deeply saddened at the recent turn of events. Effectively, over the course of this presidential campaign, we have allowed the media and the right wing to come into our communities and dictate who we listen to on a Sunday afternoon. To question whether social justice has a place at the pulpit where in fact, the civil rights movements were led and started at church. We have allowed them to question our religious tradition and trample on the lives of our beloved spiritual leaders who continue to make a difference in communities frequently ignored by the masses. Quite frankly, Obama would not have had an opportunity to be the type of community activist that he was without reaching out to the Rev. Wright's and the Rev. Pfleiger’s and many like them. While I respect Obama’s decision to denounce…I strongly disagree. (I would refer all of you to Boyce Watkin’s blog for further clarification...he says it perfectly). To have a church which provides so many services in the community ripped of their leadership has troubled me and again left we disappointed with the continued hypocrisy of the Catholic Church. The Cardinal has effectively snatched the heart of our faith community with seemingly no regard for the impact it would have, in response to the demands of people who are filled with hatred for our Pastor. He acted quickly and swiftly. As Cardinal, we expected you to be above that. The Catholic Church can shuffle pedophiles around the church while not taking any action but a priest can’t talk about White entitlement and Hillary Clinton? (And by the way…in light of her recent actions or shall I say inaction…doesn’t it reek of just a little bit of entitlement?)

I never joined this church because it was Catholic (I've never been a fan of dividing Christian's by denominations) , I joined this church because I felt the presence of God, I felt like I was at “teaching” church and I believed in fighting for justice and social change as a fundamental obligation of any Christian. It just so happened that that church I joined is Catholic and its priest...a white man. Nothing more…nothing less.

My heart aches for Fr. Mike and Rev. Wright….it has to be excruciating to feel like your entire career has been whittled down to sound bytes and analysis from those who know nothing about your or your ministry…I pray for both of our churches and truthfully…I pray for Obama too…if they came down this hard on your “former pastor” and "guest of your former pastor”…don’t think they aren’t coming for you too….I pray he is strong enough and prepared enough to stand up to it all…otherwise, he will be denouncing many more in the next coming months….

Historic...

2008-06-04T15:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday history was made and my heart cried with joy as I watched Mr. Obama become the first black nominee for the President of the United States. I couldn’t help but to think about how many people paved the way for this moment that I am privileged to say I am witnessing. I thought about how I wished my grandparents were alive to witness this and how wonderful it is that my children can witness this in their lifetime. With all of the excitement about Mr. Obama's accomplishments, I am equally impressed by his humility, his eloquence, and his humble acceptance of the enormous task in front of him. Obviously I have love for him because he's from my city (and I have seen 1st hand what he has accomplished) but more than that his message of unity and hope is needed now more than ever. It's time for a new face, new ideals, new approaches to how we govern our country, how we deal with our issues and problems in Washington and abroad. I have been pleased to see Mr. Obama cross lines of divide and win states that were previously seen as "white" states. At the end of the day, I believe most critical thinking Americans are ready to see something new, try something different and begin the difficult task of healing a divided, broken and cynical America. Way to go Obama!

This month's Challenge Question.."What remains constant in your life?"

2008-06-03T10:02:00.001-05:00

Thanks to the incredibly talented ladies at “The Design X”. They issue monthly challenges that always stretch my thoughts and help me move beyond scrapbooking the usual (special occasions, holidays, etc) and scrapbooking what’s real, what matters and what’s honest. It’s why my scrapbooks are more than photo albums but more like visual journals. Here is the challenge question for this month. “What remains constant in your life?” Things in our lives change on a daily basis. What is the one thing that remains a constant in your life?

It has been a hard lesson for me to learn but I am learning that everything changes. Things don’t always go according to plan. The one thing that remains constant in my life is my faith. I don’t want to get super spiritual here but…the truth is….had it not been for my faith…I don’t believe I would be here right now. It sounds over dramatic but it's true. My faith has sustained me during the darkest moments of my life…my faith has told me to hold on when I needed to and let go when it was time…my faith has told me to keep fighting when I felt like giving up….my faith has allowed me to let it go and cry my eyes out (my mom calls that a good ole fashion "cleansing cry") …my faith has told me that everything would be ok when I thought nothing would ever change. My faith is what keeps me going. It is the one thing that allows me to know that hope and optimism and the belief that anything is possible is real. It’s not some fantasy. It is what helps me to continue to believe in true love, real joy, and honest happiness. It is what keeps me from being too angry…too bitter…to cynical for too long. It is what brings me out of a funk and back into the light. My faith enables me to keep pressing on…keep working…struggling…trying…and risking because in the end…I know what God has for me.

Philippians 3:12-15
“…Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you…”-The Verse that gets me through and keeps me focused

Lost in Transition

2008-06-03T09:26:00.001-05:00

I left the corporate world exactly 1 month from my 30th birthday. I remember being incredibly confused at that time. Usually you leave a job to go to a new one but in my case, I was just going home. I remember creating a page entitled “Lost in Transition”. It was about entering a new phase in my life and trying to figure out how to adjust to it all. Transitioning to a stay at home mom was never an easy thing. Of course, I was happy to be at home with my children (I had missed so much previously because of my work schedule) but I also had worked since I was 15 years old. For the first time in years, I would have no income and would have to rely solely on someone else financially. That’s an adjustment for anyone, especially a women who had always considered herself career oriented, driven and independent. That first year was confusing and I stumbled through most of it, trying to become comfortable in my new role. That brings me to right now…Here I am once again in June…one month from my 33rd birthday and I find myself again “Lost in Transition”. How could I be at the same place I was almost 3 years ago? Where did I take a wrong turn and how could I have gotten so off track? I keep telling myself, “You had a plan…what happened?” I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want out of life. I mean…WHAT I REALLY WANT. I am finding that what I really want is a fresh start more than anything. Can you really get a “do over” in life? Will I ever have a clean slate? How do you start over when it seems like everything and everyone keeps looking at your past, your history, and your mistakes to judge and define you? It’s frustrating.

A "Sex in the City" Weekend...

2008-06-02T20:06:00.002-05:00

With all the drama on Sunday, I never had the chance to share my weekend. I actually had the best time on Friday and Saturday. Sunday was just the bad day (family drama, ex husband drama..u know the usual). But anyway, it was a girls night weekend and we really had a great time. Friday, I spent my evening in the salon getting my hair hooked up by my girl J. She really is a gift! The salon was buzzing about all of the parties and happenings that weekend. V and I picked up a few bottles of wine and let the music play at the shop and had a good time. We didn't leave the shop until 1 in the morning. Saturday, I ran some errands during the day with V (last minute stuff for the party) and we headed off to the shop to pick up J and head to the theatre. We got there early so we could have good seats. T met us up there and we were good to go. The theatre was packed and I must say WOMEN WERE LOOKING FABULOUS! There was such positive energy in the air. We were standing in line and girls were talking to each other with such excitement. While we were in line a few women behind mentioned how cute we all looked and we told them the same. (It's great when women can compliment each other...we spend too much time hating on each other... it was refreshing) Anyway, the movie met all of my expectations. I laughed and cried but more than anything, I was enjoying the time spent with my friends. That's really what I think the appeal of the movie is to so many women. I won't spoil it for anyone but I will say this...the movie is really about friendship among women. I have known my friends since I was 11 years old and our lives have changed so much over the years. I'm grateful for their friendship, love and support because at the end of the day...they have always been there...even when I didn't want them to be.

...Anyway, we left the movie and headed to Michigan ave for some last minute shopping (J always has something to get at the last minute!!!). We headed back to the shop where we got dressed and changed for the party. (V was hooking up every one's makeup and J was touching all of our hairstyles up!). We had some more wine and headed off...looking fabulous of course!!! The party was fun and it was nice to see so many men...fine men coming out to support and of course mingle with the ladies!!! (could you blame them...I told you women were looking good on Saturday!!) Drinks were flowing, music was playing and folks was mingling...it was a beautiful evening and we shut the place down at 2am. We weren't ready to go home yet, so J's hubby suggested we hit another spot open til 5 around corner...we got there and they were trying to charge us $20 to get in (I don't think so!!!), so the men just told the bouncer...we would buy a table and that was that...It was about 15 of us at that point so buying a table was nothing...we get in and partied some more and shut that place down. I can't tell you how much I laughed that night. I had so much fun. Even T's husband had to call me out...in front of everyone, he told me that I was missed and it was good to have me back. ( I felt the love yall...for real). He was like, "Man D you had changed...every time I saw you...you were all "funny & dry acting"...I felt like I was talking to a different person...glad to have ya back." It's funny how people see things you don't see at the time. I didn't realize how much I had changed in the last stages of my marriage but apparently everyone else did. I really wasn't myself and the one's closest to me knew it too...Anyway, the weekend met all my expectations and once again I was blessed with the time spent in good company...with my "sistahs"....

CAN'T BREATHE....

2008-06-02T15:48:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t breathe? Like you are being suffocated? That’s what I’ve been feeling like lately. I try my best to put on a good face, a positive attitude (You know…hopeful and optimistic), and I’m doing my best to keep smiling but inside I feel trapped and backed into a corner. Starting over has been so humbling. I have had to suck up my pride so many times it hurts. I can’t even put into words how inadequate I have felt lately because of where I am right now. I can’t change what happened. I can have regrets but what good does that do? There are days where despite the progress I have made…I still feel like a loser. I know that’s not the case but it is just hard sometimes. I have said it so many times but this is the year I intend get my life back and live happier, better, smarter and wiser. In order to do that, I have had to start over. Now, I am in a situation where I’m living somewhere I really don’t want to be and trapped in a house that doesn’t allow me the freedom to live my own life on my terms. Everyone has an opinion. I should do this…I should do that…I should deal with my ex this way…you should do this with your kids…the list goes on and on. I keep telling myself to suck it up…deal with it…do what you have to do in order to get you to the next level. Take a step back to move a few steps forward… but in the end I still feel like I’m being controlled in some ways. There’s a reason, people say, “God Bless the child who has his own”. When you have your own…you are the one in control…you are the one who has the power. Nothing is ever given freely; in this case, my voice is being compromised. The fact of the matter is… the individuals I’m speaking of have helped me tremendously and without them I don’t know where I would be right now. I have needed them and they have been there. I am so grateful to them for their support…but I can still be grateful and appreciative about what you have done and still feel like I have the right to live my life on my own terms. Allow me to live my life…let me put the pieces back together my own way and in my own time…allow me to heal the way I need too…not the way YOU think I need to. They get involved whenever they feel like it and they feel entitled because after all, “they helped me…they are helping me” and I should be grateful. It sucks for me because right now…what other options do I have? I have no real say so because I am the one who doesn’t have control. I’m the one who needs…not the one who is needed. Again the balance of power has shifted and I’m once again on the losing end. That’s the part that makes me angry. It’s the part that makes me feel bitter sometimes…hopeless sometimes…discouraged sometimes and honestly just plain sad.

Match your man....

2008-05-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

Which male character from Sex & the City would you be most compatible with? I took this quiz (http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/?engine=yahoo!10406keyword=sexandthecity). I took this quiz and this is what they said...

BIG (WTH!!!)
He's the confident, affluent, man about town who enjoys the finer things, but he's also the obedient son who escorts his mother to church on Sunday's. he has an elusiveness that you find irresistible as it is frustrating. Big may be unpredictable an seem totally unattainable-and he does let you down occasionally-but then he manages to surprise you by showing up when you least expect him.

WTH!!! I have no comment on this one!!!!

It's a "chick flick" weekend!!!

2008-05-30T13:55:00.000-05:00

Most of you know I am a huge Sex and the City Fan so there is no question where I’ll be this weekend. I’ll be at the hair salon and nail salon today to get ready for tomorrow’s SATC party. Since I’m the “Charlotte” of the group, I will be looking very demure and fabulous! I can’t wait. After the week I have had, I am ready for my Charlotte martini!!! (It's the Charlotte Chocolatini:). Here's the receipe along with the other girls. Which one suits you best?

Carrie’s “I Love NY” Cocktail
1 oz. vodka1/2 oz. triple sec1/2 oz. Alize’ Gold Passion Fruit liqueur1 oz. red cranberry juicesplash of fresh lime juicelime twist for garnishAdd ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a Martini glass. Garnish with a lime twist.

Carrie’s Wedding White Cosmo
1 1/2 oz. vodka1/2 oz. triple sec1 oz. white cranberry juicesplash of fresh lime juicegranulated sugar for the glass rimRun a lime wedge around the rim of a Martini glass and dip rim in granulated sugar. Add ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into the sugar-rimmed Martini glass.

The Bloody Miranda
1 1/2 oz. vodka4 oz. tomato juice1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice1/2 tsp Worcestershiresplash pepperoncini juice from the jarcelery salt for glass rimpepperoncini for garnishRun a lemon wedge around the rim of a highball glass and dip rim in celery salt. Fill glass halfway with ice. Add ingredients into the glass and stir. Garnish with a pepperoncini.

Charlotte’s Chocolatini
1 oz. vodka1 oz. Bailey's Irish cream1 oz. creme de cacao1 teaspoon chocolate syrupmelted chocolate chips for glass rimMelt chocolate chips in the microwave. Dip the rim of a Martini glass in the melted chocolate. Add ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into the chocolate-rimmed Martini glass.

Samantha’s Peach Stinger
1/2 oz. peach schnapps1 1/2 oz. Brandypeach slice for garnishAdd ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a Martini glass. Garnish with a peach slice.

I’m looking forward to hanging out with my girls and having a good time. It’s a “chick flick” weekend. I am sure I’ll have plenty of photos to share with you on Monday!!!

The most unprofessional thing I have ever seen....

2008-05-29T14:34:00.000-05:00

My boss had a major emotional meltdown yesterday afternoon and we (our department) are continuing to feel the aftershocks of his drama. Yesterday afternoon, my boss had a confrontation with another employee (one of his direct reports) and it spiraled out of control. They began yelling at each other in the office (the door was closed). At the time, I was on the phone with J talking about my hair appointment on Friday and it just started getting louder…so loud…I just to tell J that I would call her back. Then my co-worker comes out of his office calm, cool and collected and my boss comes out about 3 minutes later and says F*&K all of you, I QUIT! He proceeds to storm out of the office. Our entire department thought it was a joke. When we realized it wasn’t a joke we just sat there…we just were speechless. It is the most unprofessional thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean this is an investment firm with offices around the globe. He is a man in a very high position of authority who makes more. Who does this type of stuff? Anyway, at that moment I decide to take a walk. When I got back, he was still gone and no one knew what was going on. HR was calling and we had nothing to tell them. I went home that evening…still stunned and got a text that I needed to be at work early for a meeting. I knew something was up and it didn’t sound good.
That brings me to today….I get up and come to work to find my boss back in his office. He said nothing as we just stared at him for some explanation or even an apology. Instead we get a visit from the “BIG” boss and HR. In this meeting, they essentially explain that everything is about to change in my department. The new guy from New York is officially taking over our department and will be making changes to improve “morale” and efficiency (WTH!!). In any case, what this means is my job is about to change. My new title, my new promotion is on hold until further review (I’m pissed!!!!). In fact, all of the promotions that were announced are officially off the table until further review!!! Now… I will be involved in a series of “planning” meetings to review how we do business, how we move money, our process etc…..In a nutshell, the new guy basically said our entire department could be replaced. He talked about NY operations being able to do this job and theirs. (I know what that means…) I feel like we are being punished for the actions of our supposed “leader”. (Did I mention this fool still offered up no explanation or apology?) What’s more disturbing is that this joker still even has a job!!! (Now you all know if my boss had been one of “us”, there would have been no coming back from saying “I QUIT!”)
I have never been 100% satisfied at this job and I’ve always looked at it as a way to get back on my feet and back in the workforce. I’m officially looking for another job again. I want to go back to commercial real estate. I like it. It is faced paced but still enables me to have a life after work. This job is high drama and high stress (both of which, I don’t need at all). I don’t like 10.5 hour days, I hate the fact that I don’t get a lot of time with the kids during the week because I’m working such long hours. (They are in freaking daycare for 12 hours every day…by the time they get home they are exhausted!).
Sometimes I can’t stand corporate crap and nonsense. It seems to be a never ending parade of emails, memos, and meetings and sometimes all I want to do is my job and go home. I know that’s not realistic but a girl can dream can’t she?

It's Hump Day!!

2008-05-28T14:28:00.000-05:00

Even though we have a short week…my workweek seems to be dragging. After all the hustle and bustle of the weekend, I really never took time to get any real rest or recharge at all. Dude has the kids this weekend, so I want to try and rest up a little bit. It will be hard because Sex & the City opens this weekend and I will be at a premiere and a party for both on Saturday, which means I will be at the hair and nail salon on Friday after work. So it looks like Sunday will be my only day to just relax. I have got to do a better job of managing my time better. I feel like I’m approaching burnout. I need a break from it all; my weekend away was nice but truthfully not long enough. I want to get away from my reality for an extended period of time. I’m planning to go to Cancun but not until October (and that seems so far away). I really can’t afford to go anywhere right now but it doesn’t stop me from looking. Truth is…I feel like I have gotten off track a little bit. I got some plans in the works and I’m off schedule so I need to buckle down a bit and get focused.
I talked to “Mr. Sweep me off my feet” again last night and as usual, he made me smile. We talked about his passion right now. I’m so excited for him. I really think he is on the brink of doing something great! I can’t talk about it in detail but let’s just say…when you hear about it…you are going to love the idea just as much as I do. He’s a great guy who seems to know who he is, where he is going and what he wants. Those are such attractive qualities to me. I enjoy our conversations and the time we have spent together (although it’s only been brief). I look forward to seeing him again. I look forward to dating him and enjoying the process…

NO REGRETS!

2008-05-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

Many things happen in our lives that are beyond our control. If you could go back and change the course of one event in your life, what would you change and why? That’s the question posed for this months scrapbook challenge. I’m supposed to ponder this question and create a project using this subject. As usual I’ll start with my words and see where it takes me creatively. I hope to show you the completed project later this week but in the meantime…here’s the journaling….

Every heartbreak, hard lesson, disappointment and struggle has helped to shape who I am right now. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had graduated high school and went to NYU & Parsons as planned or if I had stuck to my original plan of never getting married and never having children, would I be the same woman now? I’m not so sure. Having to work my way through school taught me the value of hard work and good work ethic. Working in the corporate world made me grow up a little faster…it made me embrace being a grown up. It put me in contact with successful adults and showed me a life that I wanted for myself. It gave me more to strive for. So I don’t regret not going to NYU at all. I will get to NYC someday. (By then, I may decide to live somewhere else!)
Would I be the same woman if I hadn’t gotten married and had kids? Probably not. I don’t know if I would have ever given my heart so freely and openly to anyone. I was a scared of commitment back then and was a lot colder and at times, down right mean and cruel. I don’t know if I would have ever known what falling in love felt like. I don’t regret it at all. He turned out not to be the guy for me but I can say in the beginning, it was great. It was wonderful. It felt like heaven. He was everything to me. When he proposed, I cried. When I walked down the aisle, we both cried and it was the happiest day of my life. NO…I HAVE NO REGRETS. In that relationship I learned how to fall in love, how to be open, vulnerable, and in the end I also learned how to bounce back, let go, and honestly…right now…I’m learning how to forgive (real forgiveness not just the stuff you say). Because of the end of that relationship, I am falling in love with who I am again. I am seeing myself differently, realizing how wonderful, beautiful and strong I really am. I am learning to embrace the woman in me and not try to be so “hardcore”. That’s not who I am and that’s OK. I wouldn’t have known that I am just fine right now. Even with my life being so chaotic...I'm still fine. Had I not gotten married and had kids, I would have still been scared of motherhood and childbirth. I would not have known the kind of unselfish love it takes to nurture and raise a child. I wouldn't have known the joy that comes with childbirth. I wouldn't have known the joy that I know as a mother now. I wouldn't have ever expereienced the joy of hearing the world "mommy" for the first time or "I love you" from my children's mouths. I would have probably been more self centered, more self serving, more calculated and less vulnerable.
Would I be the same person if I hadn’t’ made some financial mistakes that cost me and forced me to start all over again? NEVER! I’d still be frivolous with my money and my investments. I would still think “everything’s” going to work itself out somehow. I would have never learned how to stick to a budget. I would have never learned how to be independent. I would have never learned to be humble. I would have still been judgmental of people less fortunate than me.
So although it would be easy for me to say…”I regret this and I regret that”…truth is…My life has no room for regrets. Each experience has given me a reason to be thankful. Thankful for the lessons learned from the pain, struggle or heartache. Life’s twists and turns have made me the woman I see in the mirror today. She is less jaded about life, a tad more realistic, a little bruised and she definitely has some scars but she’s still standing tall and most importantly…she is still smiling.

My weekend...pt 2

2008-05-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

Like I said…It was a long weekend but I feel like time just flew by. After Christian’s party, I took them to their dad’s house and officially had some time to myself. V and I went to Red Kiva to finalize the plans for the Sex & the City party. Everything worked out great and I’m excited about it. We had a couple of drinks and then called it a night. I was tired. Sunday morning, I picked the kids up from their dad’s house and brought them to my mom’s. She took the kids to see Aladdin at the children’s theatre. They loved it. Jada was thrilled that she got to meet the “real” Princess Jasmine although she was a shade or two lighter than her doll and Christian was thrilled to meet Aladdin and the Genie. She took them to lunch and then I took the kids back to their dad’s house so they could spend the night. That evening V & I went to visit a friend and her husband at their home in the suburbs. They were barbequing and we just started to hang out. One of Eric’s frat brothers was there too. We used to travel in the same circles back in the day. Anyway, we got married around the same time and know the same people. His divorce just became final (why is it divorced people have some unspoken bond and feel the need to share their war stories all the time?). I think he was flirting with me but I'm not sure. Anyway, we were all sitting outside on the deck and laughing, joking and drinking and next thing you know…all of us are engaged in this deep conversation about divorce, love, dating, marriage, and relationships…blah blah blah. We were drinking Mojitos and next thing you know we are having shots of tequila and Ciroc Vodka. Anyway, we had a great evening and I got home around 5am. (I had to sleep some of that liquor off at their house!) Those are the kinds of nights I love the most. Sometimes I don't have to go out to a club or bar. I prefer those times with my friends the most. We usually have the most fun when we are just hanging out at someone's home.
I didn’t get up until almost 12pm on Monday and had planned to take the day to rest and maybe get creative. I got a craving for some Beef patties and coco bread from my favorite Jamaican spot on the far north side. I called V up and asked her to roll with me up north so I could satisfy my craving for Jamaican food. We drove all the way up there only to find out they were closed! I was ticked…gas costs too much to waste...ya know?
Anyway, by the time we found something to eat and I made it home…the kids were home 10 minutes later so I got absolutely no rest at all. What else is new? Is there ever a weekend full of rest and relaxation?…doubtful…but I had a good time. I didn’t have time to do anything creative but I was out enjoying life instead of scrapbooking it.

Fun for all....!!!

2008-05-27T12:02:00.001-05:00

Christian’s birthday party was a ton of fun. I can’t believe it’s been six years since the birth of my first child. I remember holding him for the first time and looking at his little chocolate face and brushing that little head full of hair. He was such a joyful baby with a quiet and sweet disposition. Now my little one is growing up and learning so many things. He’s quite the big kid now and there is a part of me that tears up when I think how much he has grown and how much he has changed my life. I said it before but he made me a mother for the first time. He made me a mom when I was scared to death of motherhood. Before he came into my life, I never knew what loving someone unconditionally felt like. We began this journey together. As I taught him, he in turn taught me. I have a special bond with Christian. He’s my little man. My little protector. He always likes to make me proud and make me smile. He has put his little arms around me when I cried or when I was sad and told me everything is going to be alright. He is the one who smiles at me and makes me forget the day I had a work. He makes me laugh hysterically at the some of the silly things he does. He’s my son….my first born and I’m so proud of who is and who he is becoming.

The museum was a whirlwind of activity. I love this museum because there is so much for the kids to do and see. The museum has a mini grocery store where the kids can go “shopping” with their little carts and then pay for their groceries with “cash or credit”, a “Potbelly’s sandwich store”, where the kids put on their smocks and make sandwiches and shakes, a music room (which is the most noise I have ever heard in my life!), where the kids just bang on drums, pianos, keyboards or anything musical and my kids favorite part of the museum…Waterworks, which essentially a huge water room where the kids put on raincoats and play with water, boats, pulley’s and such. (It was our last stop of the day and the kids were soaking wet!!) Jada loved the little house where she could play mommy and make dinner and take care of the kids, Elijah loved the tree house and the “play house” where he could “paint” the walls, lay down new tile and carpet and build a home from the ground up. In addition to all of those things, the museum also has a pretend veterinarian office where the kids play vets and take care of the animals, a garage where the kids take care of cars (the boys loved it!) and a host of other things to really stimulate the mind and imagination. It’s such a better place to hold a party (I can’t stand places like Chucky Cheese!) All of the kids had such a great time and after the party….my son just gave me a big hug and told me how much he loved his party and me!!! That’s the greatest gift of all!

Happy Friday to you...

2008-05-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday to everyone. I here at work and it’s super slow. That’s a good sign maybe I’ll get out of here a little early today (YEAH RIGHT!!!) . I have to go shopping for my son’s birthday party. I have no idea what I am going to buy him but right now he is loving spider-man and anything speed racer so it will probably be something with those two things. Anyway, I’m so happy it’s Friday. I’m looking forward to a long weekend. It looks like I’ll be kid free for a portion of the weekend as well. The ex called last night and as usual did a complete 180 and agreed to keep the kids as scheduled (he originally told me “never mind” since he didn’t get his way). At this point, why fight?Instead of telling him how unnecessary our last argument was, I just agreed to our original agreement. So, since I will have some time, I think I may go to the movies, get some creative time and try to catch up with the girls.
I’m in a real daydreaming kind of mood today. I am missing "you know who". I talked to him briefly last night and we are cool. I keep trying not to think about the fact that at this time last week I was on my way to see him. We had such a great weekend. I think it was good for both of us....just to get away from it all and take a break from reality for a minute. But every now and then….my mind flashes back to certain moments and it just makes me smile. I guess I miss him…just a little bit (smile).
On yet another note…back to me getting creative…it’s time for me to just roll up my sleeves and get to it. I’ve kept myself in a creative mode by writing constantly and still taking photos. I just have to start putting my stories and my photos together. Last night, I felt a little inspiration hit me and I started sketching out some ideas (I haven’t sketched in weeks). After the kids went to bed, I pulled out all my supplies (I swear I need a bigger room to hold this stuff) and I got to matching up papers and embellishments and in that moment I remembered why I loved doing this. I looked at my photos (I’m so behind) and I just started looking at how much my kids have grown in the past few months, how much has happened and just how wonderful life is now (as compared to just 9 months ago) and I feel so blessed. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at how better things are now. God has really brought me through some incredible stuff!
I saw this on another blog and thought it was a good idea...a gratitude list. So every Friday, I will post mine. We spend so much time on what we don't have yet, or what we haven't accomplished, etc..and not enough time being thankful for what we have in life or for where we are in life. Why not take a moment just to be thankful for the "Season of now". Enjoy your weekend....

My gratitude list...FRIDAY MAY 23, 2008

This week I am grateful for....

1. A new job, A new position and being one step closer to getting back to where I was.
2. Friends who love me like sisters
3. My son...because of him the past 6 years have changed my life. He made me a mom for the 1st time and has been teaching me ever since.
4. My other 2 children, for being little angels (for this week...anyway!)
5. My parents for stepping in to help a sistah enjoy a nice long weekend with a friend
6. For Lush bath products for giving me one of the most luxurious baths I have had in a long time!
7. For reality checks...sometimes I just need to come back from fantasy land. I stress less that way.
8. High heeled shoes
9. Chocolate Shakes from Potbelly's: They are my 2pm pick me up!
10. Mr. "U Know Who": For putting a smile on my face when I need it most....

What my name means...

2008-05-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

I found a link to this site that breaks down the meaning of your name today (Thanks Al!). Anyway...read this and tell me what you think?

WHAT DANIELLE MEANS....

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

This is soooooo true...how weird is that?

Check out your name and what it means here: www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz

Never enough hours in a day...

2008-05-22T13:53:00.000-05:00

My son is having his 6th birthday party this weekend and I have a ton of stuff to do. I still have to make goody bags, buy the stuff for the goody bags, make sure the food has been ordered, pick up and wrap gifts….the list goes on. Time just seems to be flying by. He is graduating from kindergarten next week and I get emotional every time I think about it. He is just growing so fast. I look at him and see how much he has grown, how smart he is becoming and what a gentle and sweet nature he has and I guess I’m just proud of him. Lord knows the past 2 years have been hard and he (more than my other 2 children) has been witness to more pain than a little one should so young. I have done my best to make sure he feels secure, safe and loved at all times but I guess I have regrets that he sometimes saw me at my worse and that home wasn’t always a place of peace.

Anyway, I volunteered to be chairperson at my son’s school to oversee all graduation festivities and activities. Why did I do that? I have to try and get the parents of 65 kindergartners to agree on what’s best for their “precious angels”. For most of us (i.e.: parents) this is our first child graduating so everyone has big ideas and plans for graduation and I have to tell them to tone it down a bit. As parents we always want the best for our kids and it’s so easy to go overboard. I have so much to do for his graduation festivities. Organizing who is bringing what, games, activities, decorations….oh did I mention the parents want fire trucks, a jumping gym and horses!!!! Thank goodness one of the teachers knows some firemen who are going to come by and let the kids get on the truck and play for a while. I know my son is going to love it! I complain about all the stuff I have to do with my son’s school but the truth is…I wouldn’t have it any other way. These are just some of the things I love about being a mom…Organizing parties, PTA’s, graduation…it’s all part of the wonderful job I call parenting. It’s the job that has the biggest payday I could have ever imagined.

On a sour note, I spoke with my ex yesterday afternoon and once again there’s always drama. As Rodney King once said, “Why Can’t we all just get along?” He is so unreasonable, stubborn and selfish. Once we decided things were over, I thought that over time we would be able to be amicable and civil towards one another but it hasn’t gone that way at all. Things just seem to be getting worse. This will be the first year that our children will have birthday parties and not have both of their parents there. It sucks but in order to have a pleasant day, it has to be that way. I just can’t have that kind of negative energy around me and my children. Anyway, because of our situation we agreed to split birthdays and holidays. So, this Saturday after the party, he is keeping the kids so he can do something on his own with the kids. Well, I forgot that my mom also planned to take the kids to the theatre this Sunday. The children’s theatre has short 45minute plays that feature all of the characters interacting with the audience and such. My kids love the theatre. (Is that a big surprise…my ex, my dad and my brother are all actors). I forgot my mom bought tickets months ago. So I called my ex and asked if I could pick them up on Sunday for a couple of hours so the kids could go with my mom to see the show and I’d bring them back afterwards and he can keep them through memorial day. (Mind you…this is my weekend not his!) Anyway, he starts screaming and yelling on the phone telling me how awful I am, etc… (You know the usual). And at that point, I just kind of lost it and told him…this is the way it is…I’m being considerate by even allowing you the extra weekend and to put it mildly…just deal with it or see them on your weekend next week. It sounded bad but I can truly say I have done everything in my power to make sure he is still a part of their lives despite the fact that I have received absolutely no financial help from him whatsoever! The truth is I know how much my children love their father and I honor that even if I think he’s a complete jerk and a jackass. I have done my part. They see their dad on a regular basis; I keep him abreast of all the kid’s activities and such, and I have never used money or my kids as some bargaining tool. I’m just over all of it. When will it just be over? When will we just be able to co-exist and raise our kids in a positive and healthy environment? For a man who will be 40 this year, it still amazes me how selfish and immature he still is. He wants everything to be the way it was and because it’s not, he can’t deal with it. I’m just over it. I’m over him, his drama, mood swings and depression.

He keeps telling me, “I’m still their father and Stop acting like you are the only parent”. Well…he has done nothing for my kids since we split. So in essence I don’t acknowledge him as a father. He’s a step above a sperm donor to me. I mean he sees his kids like he is supposed to but when I ask the kids what they did at daddy’s house; it’s always the same thing…”we played video games and baked cookies with Nana”. So it leaves me to believe there really isn’t any quality time being spent with the kids at all. They are just there. The messed up thing about all of this is that he is too selfish to even begin to realize how difficult it is to raise 3 small children alone. My job is all day, every day. I do the day to day work. I am the one at emergency rooms in the middle of the night (In the past 4 months, all of my kids have paid the ER a visit); paying for medical bills, school supplies, clothes, extra’s, food…you name it. I’m the one who is at work for 10 hours a day only to come home and start job #2. I work all day and come home and begin the 6pm shuffle (bath time, homework, dinner, playtime and bed every single night), then I’m up late making sure things are ready for the next day, washing, ironing, cleaning up, picking up matchbox cars and little princess accessories that I keep stepping on in the middle of the night (got to start wearing house shoes!!) I usually have no real quality time with my kids during the week because I’m running around like the energizer bunny. (Maybe that’s why I can function on very little sleep). By the time the weekend rolls around I’m still on the go, trying to squeeze in as much time with my kids as possible. Whether it’s running errands and having a fun lunch or just a day around town at the museum, park, playground or something else fun (there’s plenty to do with kids in the city!)…bottom line is THERE IS NO REST! THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME OR ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!

That’s why my weekends without my kids are so important. I use that time to recharge and do something that’s just for me. I have to otherwise I’m no good to anyone. So when they are not around, you will usually see me doing something like going to the spa or getting together with my friends for dinner and drinks or even attempt to have a dating life. In any case, it’s the one time when I can be totally selfish and I love it. I’m learning that being a single parent nowadays requires time management and I’m learning sometimes there just isn’t enough time in a day to get it all done and that’s OK. The most important thing is that my kids are happy, joyful and content and that our home is now a sanctuary full of love and peace. That’s what they need most of all.

Getting off the Island...

2008-05-21T10:02:00.000-05:00

Did you ever watch a show called “Fantasy Island”? I did (yeah…I watched corny stuff like that…anyway….). The show basically is about people who get carried off to this secluded island where their fears and passions are revealed and some dreams a/k/a fantasies come true. They always leave the island better than they came and closer to the “happily ever after” (whatever that may be). I think that’s what I have been on for the past month…my own “fantasy island”. The problem with that is…it’s just a fantasy. It’s not real. It’s a product of my own imagination. I think I tend to take something and make it out to be more than it really is and in the process put myself out there and get my feelings hurt. In truth, “Mr. Sweep me off my feet” really isn’t that at all…he’s just a regular guy with regular ideas about life, love and the pursuit of happiness (whatever that may be). I made him out to be someone other than who he is (even when he told me upfront where he was and what he wanted or better yet…what he didn’t want). I guess I heard what I wanted to hear. I heard the fantasy. So I headed down to the “island” to see him with “Great Expectations”. (Don’t get me wrong…I had a WONDERFUL time but it was just that…a great time…an extended great date). I made myself out to be something to him that I’m not (at least not yet…I can still be optimistic). I saw what I wanted to see. I let my guard down, let go of some inhibitions (big mistake), did things I NEVER EVER EVER do and now I’m wide open…too open….scared of the unknown…anxious…and confused. It’s not a good feeling. It down right sucks!
I keep talking about how I’m not scared of risks and all…but I am. I don’t want to be hurt again; rejected again, dismissed again….it just sucks. He likes to make jokes about it and it hurts my feelings. I know he doesn’t do it on purpose but it just makes me feel so……ORDINARY…and I hate that. I'm a extraordinary person and that should be recognized. (Sorry...had to get a little cocky for a moment). There are some things that happened down there that caused me to believe that I was something more…something special and nowI realize how inaccurate that really was….It just IS what it IS. NOTHING MORE…NOTHING LESS. Not necessarily bad but not necessarily extraordinary either. ( I told u I see things in black and white and this is a whole lotta grey area for me!) It hurts but I have no one to blame but myself. In the end, I chose not to see the reality but to see a figment of my imagination (a/k/a the fantasy). Now it’s time to leave the island and get back to reality…take my time, guard my heart and just enjoy my time with him…taking things nice & slow.

Great Expectations...Pt 2

2008-05-20T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well I am back home and it’s back to reality for me. I had a wonderful time with Mr. “Sweep me off my feet”. I was so nervous initially (after all... this dating thing is still new to me) but as soon as I saw him I felt at ease. It was so great seeing him and being able to just look at him in his eyes. I felt like a love struck schoolgirl who couldn’t stop staring at her boyfriend in the car. he looked great and he looked happy to see me. I love the way he looks at me. He picked me up from the airport and during the entire drive, I couldn’t stop staring at him and smiling at him. I’m such a dork sometimes… I had forgotten about what a hectic week I had prior to coming down to see him…I was just relaxed and comfortable. Anyway, the weekend was fun filled, romantic, and full of great conversation and even moments of sheer bliss. We spent the days touring the city and seeing the sights. Nothing really fancy but it just felt comfortable. He was a perfect gentleman the whole time and seemed to genuinely care about me having a great time. He even made me dinner Saturday night and he can cook too!!! My last night was my favorite night there. He had work to do around the house Sunday so we just stayed in for awhile but went to dinner that night. He knew I loved sushi so we went to this great restaurant. We sat outside under an umbrella and just laughed and talked. Then it just began to pour down and rain. Instead of rushing inside, we just moved our table under the awning and finished our dinner. We shared a delicious chocolate cake for dessert and headed home. It was so romantic and I kept telling myself I could get used to this. I like feeling like this. I like the fact that we do have so much in common. We want the same things for our children, for our lives. We share the same values and ideals. That's so important to me. I listened to him talk about his children with such enthusiasm and passion. He seems to be a great dad and a involved dad too. We just click...BUT...as usual there is always a drawback...we just are both in periods of our lives where we are still putting things together. He has dreams and goals he wants to achieve and so do I before entering into a relationship. I have so much on my plate right now and so many things I am trying to do. I would never want to enter into a relationship without having gotten rid of all the "baggage". It wouldn't be fair to him or any other man. I spent so many years completely dependent on someone else and I'm in a place now where I am finding my voice and standing on my own two feet and I'm loving it. He's at a point in his life where he is building his business and enjoying being a little bit selfish (meaning focusing on his interests and needs right now) and I completely understand that. It's just that I found myself getting carried away in the moment only to snap myself back to reality and remind myself….”you are just dating…take your time…no rushing..don’t read too much into this”....you know the things women tell themselves when they feel like they are getting caught up in emotions and feelings and they don’t want to. Sometimes I wish I were able to be the kind of girl that didn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve, get “caught up” or the kind of girl that didn’t still believe in love and have those fantasies of the “happily ever after” but I do. It’s just hard to make myself feel nothing at times…I’m trying not to think to much or read to much into stuff but it’s hard.
I blame my parents for my eternal sense of optimism when it comes to relationships. It’s funny because as I get older, I have more admiration and respect for both of them. I love their relationship. Its give and take, it’s battling the storms of life together, it’s learning how to speak one another’s “Love Language”. It has taken time and it hasn’t been a walk in the park but somehow they have managed to not only have real love but to have enduring love and isn’t that what’s important? I mean...the timing for them couldn't have been worse. They met 3 months after my mom had my younger brother. It's the classic story of "love taking over" and I just love it. It helps me believe that IT IS POSSIBLE...IT DOES HAPPEN...HAPPY MARRIAGES DO EXIST...again I digress...
I miss him already and I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate this stage of dating. It’s a period that seems to have more questions than answers. I have all these questions in my head: What’s he thinking? What’s he feeling? When is he going to call? Has he been thinking about me? Does he miss me yet? Does he like me like I like him? Is this the beginning of something special? What if this? What if that? Am I ready? Is he ready? It’s annoying. I hate that I am thinking all of these things. I don’t want to think or feel to much to soon. What’s a girl to do?

GREAT EXPECTATIONS....

2008-05-14T13:40:00.000-05:00

Ok…I haven’t wrote about Mr. “U know who” but our time together is fast approaching and I have to admit I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I am looking forward to being with him and being able to spend some uninterrupted time with him face to face. I think we are going to have a great time. He has told me in so many ways that I’m rigid and I ask too many questions. He keeps telling me not to think so much and to just “come down here and enjoy myself” but he doesn’t understand how difficult that is for me. I guess as much as I don’t want to admit it…I do have expectations. Great expectations in fact. Why wouldn’t I? Would I just hop on a plane for someone ordinary? I don’t think so!

He called me to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day (I was feeling down that day but I digress…) and in the course of conversation we had a little bit of an argument. It was unexpected and I was really caught off guard by him. Actually, for a minute I was really mad at him. In the course of the “discussion” he told me I enjoyed playing the victim and it really got my blood boiling. In fact, I haven’t really been able to shake that conversation off. I know he didn’t mean it the way I took it but even still…to hear him use the word victim just set my mind racing. I’ve been the victim and it took me a long time to stop being one and to hear him say that (even if it wasn’t in the same context) just brought back some residual feelings I don’t want to think about.

Truth is…I like this man a lot and I don’t want to. Sometimes I just feel like I’m clueless when it comes to him and dating in general. I begin to wonder if I’ve said so much already. I feel vulnerable and it makes me feel alive and uncomfortable at the same time. I often wonder if he feels the same things that I am feeling or if he is just enjoying the attention. It makes me feel vulnerable simply because he is more cautious than me…more guarded than I am and more restrained than I could ever be . He has such a nonchalant view of women and relationships, it makes me uneasy. At the same time, it makes me feel alive because I love his conversation, I love his passion for what he is doing with his life and he seems to have those certain qualities on my ever present list of must haves in a man. (I know I’m jumping the gun here but…oh well) Do you see the ever present contradictions?

He keeps telling me to just be myself. What he doesn’t understand is that I am doing just that. For a very long time, I kept who I was under wraps. That part of me just wasn’t valued and/or appreciated (you know the loving, passionate, affectionate, the woman in me that wants a man to know exactly how I feel side of me). Now that I’m free of all that, I have really just begun to really embrace those qualities and love them. I don’t apologize for them anymore nor do I try to disguise them. I’ve never been good at playing the relationship game. It just becomes too much work trying to act like I don’t care, trying to act nonchalant about everything, trying to approach relationships like a man (as my friends would say). . It’s just not me at all. It never has been. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and the reality is…it’s always a risk. I risk getting to involved to quickly, I risk getting my feelings hurt, I risk getting my ego bruised…I risk saying to much…etc. The weird thing is….I KNOW this about me and it has yet to sway me to act differently.

I just feel that the risk has to pay off one day. I work in a business where the biggest money makers are the ones who take the biggest risks and they take them all of the time. Sometimes they win big sometimes they lose big but they always get right back in the game. I guess that’s how I approach my love life (if I even have such a thing). There has to be someone who will just GET IT. Sometimes I wonder if my friends are right…I need to be a tad more cynical about relationships. My friends call me a “sucker for love” and naïve because I tend to believe in the happily ever after (Not in a fairytale kind of way…I’m not that naïve).

10 Questions to ask yourself...

2008-05-14T12:36:00.000-05:00

Ok...I've told you I've been reading this book called the "Scrapbooking Journey" and I'm loving it. Such an intresting approach to life and living. It connects how we see things creatively to how we live our everyday lives. Anyway, I found this list of questions on her website and found them interesting.

1. What am I resisting? The seeds of growth lie in your resistance to what is new, unfamiliar, or unpleasant. All too often, the very things we resist most are the things that force us to grow the most. So, be attentive to those subtle gut-tightening signals that hint of an opportunity for learning
2. What is the lesson here? There's a second step that is needed to reinforce the insight gained by asking the first question. In order to really benefit, we have to actually seek out the lesson, demonstrate that we really want to hear, and be willing to follow the often-subtle guidance that comes.
3. Have I been here before? Often our most pressing issues are thinly disguised versions of problems we've failed to solve in the past. Different names and faces maybe, but the same underneath, destined not to go away until we meet and resolve them once and for all. If your answer to this question is, yes, then maybe it's time to get to the bottom of the issue and solve it!
4. Am I losing energy to this? We pay a price for every negative thought we entertain, and it's measured in decreased energy, heightened depression, reduced immune function, and sometimes serious illness. Although you may believe otherwise, we have to reach the place where anger, frustration, worry, and criticism have no place in our experience. Until we do, we are losing energy, diluting our focus, and rendering ourselves vulnerable.
5. Am I holding on to something I need to let go of? One of the most difficult tasks of this life consists in letting go-of our attachments, of ego, of our need to be right, and ultimately, of this life. You cannot fly unless you are willing to relinquish your firm footing on earth; flying requires that sort of faith, and commitment. The surprising thing is that, when we really let go, we begin to grow.
6. Am I in the present? Every moment you spend regretting the past or worrying about the future is a moment of the present, lost. Yes, we need to complete the past, wind up our unfinished business, and be attentive to trends that portend of future events, but we can take action only in the present. So, that's where your full attention needs to be, and staying in the present is a full time job.
7. What do I need to do now? To act or not to act, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to take action against a sea of troubles and so by doing, prolong them, or to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous inaction and so gain clarity. (Shakespeare would sue for what I've done to Hamlet's timeless prose) Put the question differently: is there a NEED for action now? Often, we act because we're afraid that, if we don't, things will get worse. The truth is that deliberate inaction is action, and it is often a way to allow a cloudy situation to become clear.
8. Who's in control here? True or false?: It's important to be in control of your life. Control can be a big issue for some people, especially if they feel they don't have it. So, granted, it's perfectly reasonable to want to feel in control. Letting go of the past, staying in the present, and taking action (including no action) are all ways to develop a sense that you are in control. But, let me suggest that there is a step beyond control. It is to recognize that, ultimately, you are NOT in control-that you are always subject to a higher authority. Paradoxically, this recognition and your acknowledgement of it can free you from the need to always be IN control.
9. What is my responsibility here? Have you noticed how some people have a need to involve others in their problems? If it's your boss, your significant other, or your child, it's normal to conclude that your have to do something. But, that something doesn't mean becoming part of the problem! Your responsibility, in this case, is to maintain a level of detachment that will enable you to see the situation clearly, and this clarity pertains not only to the solution, but to the extent that you should be involved in the problem in the first place.
10. Am I at peace with this? Do you know when you're at peace with something? Chances are, it's when you can look at an issue, person, or problem and feel no charge, no subtle or sudden surge of emotion. But peace is something more. It's about balance, an inner certainty that you are untouched by it, him, or her. The peace-check is a key element in gaining closure, in ascertaining that the situation is complete.

Aren't those great questions to ask yourself from time to time? In looking at these questions, it points me to a moment of self discovery and self analysis that brings out into the open all of the things that I need to improve, embrace, love and even change...try asking these questions and see what it shows you about yourself....

Seeking Equilibrium....Finding Balance

2008-05-08T09:17:00.000-05:00

“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life-learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. –Robert Fulghum”

I think everyone on this earth has the same fundamental problem…we are all trying to achieve some form of balance in our lives. I have said it before but sometimes I just feel like that hamster on a wheel. How do I balance all of the responsibilities, obligations, duties, wants, needs, desires, goals, plans and make it work? Sometimes I feel like I wear to many hats. I think its one of the fundamental life questions we all have had to ask ourselves at one point or another. How do you achieve balance in a world filled with chaos?

To achieve balance we need to be able to see what we have and sense what is missing. Life can be tiresome and messy. On our worst days, when the emotional fog is thick like wet sand, we may try to push it aside but it stubbornly oozes back. And we stumble along, not knowing what is wrong or what is missing, until we cry ourselves raw at a tiny emotional pinprick. Sometimes I am most creative when I tell the story of the messy and difficult side of life. Recently, I finally created a page about everything that happened during my marriage and I have to say, it was not a pretty page. It was real and raw and angry. It’s not a page that I will put into the family scrapbook and pull out at family gatherings or anything but it was a page that expressed my truth and my triumph. Sometimes we need to stop making the world look beautiful and live with the brokenness for a little while. I think accepting the flawed things are a part of life’s balance.

Living in the now…
Sometimes being creative requires that we return again and again to what we have to work with…not what we wish for, but what is. So it is with life. It’s easy to get caught up in the dream of who we could be or what we could have or how we could change our lives. Sometimes we need to become more aware of what is here, now. To take our relationships and recommit our love. To take our gifts and talents and use them in fresh ways. To take the possessions we’ve accumulated and value them in new ways. That’s hard to do in a society where we are told to buy and improve, expand, upgrade. “Too many” or “not enough” are signs that our lives are out of balance. The key to re- balancing is to listen and observe and to pay attention. Balance, in a physical sense, “allows us to stand and walk about actively in the environment while maintaining a sense of place and direction”… It defines spiritual balance as well. It helps us know where we are and keeps our focus on what matters.

It’s what I prefer to do now…I want to make sure that I’m always living in the moment, enjoying every moment life shares with me. It’s the silly moments where I’m dancing with my kids, or watching them run themselves silly in the park that I want to enjoy. They won’t be this young forever. They won’t be this innocent forever. I want to enjoy it now. I want to enjoy the sound of my children calling me “mommy” even when they do it 50 times in a row. There so many little things, simple things that I don’t want to miss out on. It doesn’t mean I don’t make plans and goals for the future but while I am moving forward in my life I don’t want my life to pass me by…make sense?

Before I was a mom....

2008-05-08T08:46:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me today and I thought it really said something special about how I feel about being a mommy....enjoy!

Before I was a mom....

...I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
...I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
...I never thought about immunizations.
...I had never been puked on... Pooped on... Chewed on... Peed on.
...I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
...I slept all night.
...I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests…or give shots.
...I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
...I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
...I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
...I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
...I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
...I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
...I never knew that I could love someone so much.
...I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom -
...I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
...I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
...I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
...I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
...I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
...I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
...I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

The Truth...

2008-05-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

Conversations with “u know who” have begged me to ask the question…am I really over it all? It appears as if “Mr. Sweep me off my feet” has concerns about yours truly and where I’m at right now (as he put it…raw and very sensitive). Now before you get all wound up…I think they are legit concerns. If I were in his shoes I’d probably have the same concerns. I’ve actually been thinking a lot about this and it made me wonder…have I really acknowledged how I really feel about it all.

OK…here’s the truth……when I got married, I had a vision for my life as a married woman. Have you ever read Proverbs 31? That sums up the goal for me in a nutshell. It really describes the woman I want to be, the mother I want to be and it described the type of wife I wanted to be. Once I made a commitment to him I was in it for the long haul. Divorce was never an option for me. I never even thought about it. My marriage was good in the beginning. I did my best to make my house a home. We had money, 2 great careers and were doing things according to plan. I was happy. I was in love and I was looking forward to my future.

In the beginning, I actually enjoyed being a wife. Once we began to have kids, I started to feel that pull to stay at home. I always knew what kind of mom I wanted to be. That’s why I was hesitant to have kids in the first place. I knew I would want to be the mom at PTA’s, the mom who took her kids to play dates, the mom who made cute little sandwiches, baked cookies, danced around the house to Elmo songs and did arts and crafts with her kids…and for a while I was that mom. Truthfully, I’m STILL that mom I just have to do more juggling and balancing. Staying at home was some of the best times of my life and some of the worse for many different reasons. Being able to watch my kids grow right in front of my eyes is priceless. First steps, first words…watching them grow and take in their new surroundings is something I cherish and would never want to change. I had a "hands on" view of them that no one else had. I was with them all of the time. It’s why my kids and I are so connected. They are used to mommy being at home all of the time. I was completely available to them at all times. On the other hand, there is a part of me that will always wonder if my staying at home contributed to the demise of my marriage. Truth is…it impacts the family greatly and not just financially. The balance of power shifts….while I enjoyed staying at home and playing “happy homemaker”…my husband began to get more controlling and demanding. After all, I had gone from a college eduacated woman with my own money and my own career to being completly reliant on him. Suddenly I wasn’t’ his equal but I felt more like his maid, his child, and honestly at times…his “object” (I’m trying to put it mildly). I watched my husband become increasingly disinterested in the family things. He became more involved in the things he loved. His acting, his motorcycles, his interests. While I was busy planning family outings, birthday parties and making plans for our home, he wanted to be out pursuing his dream and I was OK with that as long as the priorities that we set forth were still in place. Before we got married we listed our priorities and it was (1) God, (2) Our marriage, (3) our children and (4) our careers, interests etc. I am a firm believer you CAN have it all if you know how to prioritize and balance. It takes effort but it IS possible.

Anyway, as he became more distant and withdrawn, I began to change too. After all, I am now a woman who is around children all day with very little interaction with adults with the exception of the women in my mommy group and all we really did was have fun with the kids, talk about the kids and our spouses. I became completely wrapped up in my children. I lost myself in them. I forgot that I was a woman with needs my children couldn’t satisfy. I lost the “woman” in me and just began to be the “wife” and “the mom”. I forgot about me in the process. In turn, I began to look at him differently. I was falling out of love with him and I didn’t know it. I was beginning to lose respect for him as a man, husband, provider, protector, father (Truth is…men need to feel respected more than they need to feel loved and that’s a big deal!) The more distant he became the more I just began to drift away. emotionally and physically. It’s hard to want to be intimate with an individual who only showed attention when he had a physical need. It made me feel so inadequate and used. I felt like an object... not the love of his life. I felt invisible... not like his best friend. It hurt deeply and that pain took over and put me into a deep depression that I almost didn’t come out of (thank God for my family and friends who know me better and saw what he didn’t see and reached out to me). 2007 was the darkest period I have ever experienced in my life. By this time we had another child (not planned at all), he had gotten laid off and we were in the middle of a financial typhoon. It was a whirlwind with devastating effects. I know how important money is but it isn’t what sustains a relationship. The foundation of our relationship had already been cracked; the money issues just brought everything out into the open. Once money problems came up, my ex became increasingly irritable, angry, depressed, frustrated and took all of those things out on me. He stepped up his attacks and I began to feel like I was walking on eggshells with him. Every little thing could set him off. I became timid, meek and scared to even open my mouth at times. My family tried to talk to me because they saw me slipping away but I would turn on them and get angry at them for not supporting my marriage. It became my fault we were going through this mess. Since I decided to stay at home I had put my family in this predicament (those were his thoughts). Never mind that he made poor choices financially…it was so much easier to blame me. I felt helpless, lost and confused. He began to perform more and more and spent more time in the theatre than with me. I kept telling myself it was his art and everyone needs something that’s just for them. Maybe this would help him be happier and then he could be a better husband to me. Instead, acting pulled him into a world of make-believe…where people fall in love on set and think it’s real. He met a woman who shared his interests, who made him forget his problems at home and who thought he was the best thing since sliced bread…she stroked his ego put quite simply. With her he didn’t have to work at anything…his day to day life and struggles were with me. One thing he always said was how “easy” it was to be with her. (Of course it is….it’s a one dimensional relationship…duh!!! She was his 20 %!!!)

Once I discovered the affair, my world came crashing down on me. I was hurt, devastated, angry, betrayed, pissed and deeply saddened all at the same time. I can't even describe what that kind of betrayal feels like. I can't even put it into words. It is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life and I hope and pray I never feel that way again in my life. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! Honestly I felt every emotion you could feel at one time and it really broke me. I crumbled and for a long time I just felt like the “walking dead”. I wasn’t living…I was just existing. I didn’t want to let go of this marriage because like I said earlier, “My marriage was going to work...come hell or high water… this had to work”. I hate failure and refused to accept the fact that another woman could just walk in and take my place so easily…it was a blow to the ego for sure (not to mention this chick looks terrible but that’s besides the point!). I just could not believe this was happening to me! In the beginning, I blamed myself for his infidelity because that’s what he told me. (If only you had done this...then I wouldn’t have had to….). I believed him. After all I was in charge of my home. I was the wife. I was responsible for keeping this man happy. That was MY JOB and I failed. Those were the type of thoughts in my head. I remember begging and pleading with him not to throw this marriage away and although, I had always said adultery was a deal breaker for me I truly was willing to move past it. I didn’t want to let go…I was scared to let go...after all I was completely dependent on this man for everything. Where would I go? What would I do? How would I make it on my own with 3 small children? In truth…I would have to start over with absolutely nothing and that scared the hell out of me. I had given this man complete control over my entire life….how would I ever put things back together again and get back on track? So many questions, so many fears….I allowed my fear to rule me for a long time before I finally snapped out of it and got some clarity. Our separation provided the clarity I had been seeking for a long time…and in the midst of it all I found my strength and my voice again. Once that happened…I pushed forward full steam ahead and haven’t looked back since. You have to understand that this has been years in the making….this affair was what it took for me to have the courage to walk away with absolutely nothing but myself and my kids... and that's something I cherish more than anything.

I'd be lying if I said that my marriage left me with some scars…some may heal… some may not. I don’t have the idealistic view of marriage like I did before. I used to think I had a girlish quality that left me wide open in relationships but now I find I question everything. I definitely have trust issues and I don’t want to put myself “out there” again unless I’m 100% sure (I know how unrealistic that is…that’s just how I feel at times)…. I guess if I’m really, really honest about it….I’m scared of making the wrong choice again. (There I said it…I’m scared…happy now?) Although, I say I am over it (which I am) the truth is I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I failed at something I desperately wanted to succeed…that my life didn’t go according to plan…that for once my ever present to do list was thrown away and a new page had to be written…BUT… what I have done is accepted it. I accept what happened…I accept who he is now (which is not the man I fell in love with and married)…I accept where my life is now…and I am so much better off. To be trapped in a marriage where you are not honored, loved, protected, secured, respected and cherished is a miserable life to live and I just want better for myself. I deserve better…period.

Once I finally let go of the fear…I was able to embrace a new chapter in my life and honestly I am enjoying this new phase and I’m happier, more secure, more whole and more sane then I’ve been in years. Things are moving forward and I am finally seeing some progress. After all that I have experienced and after all of the drama…do I really feel like I’m ready for a relationship? The answer is yes. I’ve been without a real relationship with someone I can call my friend as well as my lover for years. Does that mean that I may need some patience in a relationship…sure…but I think I’m worth a little patience. I guess time will tell…

Finding my focal point....

2008-05-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

One of the goals I set for myself this year was to really determine my focal point and to live with intention. After all that I have been through in the past few years, I realized I had lost that essential part of myself. I was always the one who said “I was here to live out loud!” It’s one of my words to live by. It’s that part of me that I miss the most. I look back over the course of my life and I began to see how far I had traveled away from who I wanted to be. Truthfully at this stage…I’m just beginning to live again. And not just the type of life that provides me a certain level of comfort (IE: material things…), but a quality of life that just can’t be purchased. You know a life filled with love, beauty, optimism, hope, peace and contentment. I guess when you have lived a life filled with chaos, sadness and despair for so long; some things just don’t matter as much. Not saying that material things...money...aren't important. It's just that I remember when I had those things and still cried every night...

There is a scripture in the bible that I love. It gave me great comfort when everything was falling apart around me. It says, “I’ve learned to be content no matter what the circumstances…” I love this scripture because it gives me permission to say it is OK even when I want more…even when I haven’t completed all of my goals…even when I haven’t met all my expectations. It is still OK. My life is still moving forward…I’m still progressing…still growing…still learning…still striving but I can have a certain level of peace at night because although I’m not where I want to be…I’m no where near where I was before. That’s so important to me to hold on to that because it helps me regain focus when I get overwhelmed with everything that I “have to do” to move to the next level. It’s been a long road for me and truthfully, the journey for me is just now beginning. I just have less baggage to carry now… When I think about where I was just 6 months ago, I am amazed at how far I’ve come in a short amount of time. I’ve made incredible strides in my life. Am I where I want to be? Not at all but I do know I’m moving in the right direction.

It’s one of the reasons why I love to scrapbook. It provides interesting metaphors for life depending on how you look at it. When I scrapbook, instead of focusing on the end result (a completed page), I can get beautifully lost along the way. I become immersed in the process of remembering and re-creating. Memories become feelings, and feelings become treasures to be savored. When I let go and enjoy the process of creating, the destination is no longer the goal. The true gift is the journey. The art of the journey reminds me to make the moment the focal point, to be fully present. To listen to the joy and grief in the moment. To find the gift and the lesson the moment. Scrapbooking is a way for me to honor each moment, which in turn makes my life’s journey more rich and meaningful.

Finding my focal point means to search for my purpose and to live with that intention. I would go so far to say that is our mission in life; to find our focal point, our essence. The rest is secondary. Many say those who scrapbook are those who spend a lot of time consumed with the past. They see us as people who are consumed with images and stores that are not happening right now but happened yesterday or last year. The paradox of scrapbooking is that it is not about the past. It is about using the past as a tool to fully experience the present. It is a way of allowing time to be still. By taking the time to remember, we live each moment. And in that we become more aware.

In a way, scrapbooking is similar to meditation; it quiets the mind. The clock no longer matters. When I scrapbook, I lose sight of insignificant things. I forget about how I look. I’m no longer self conscious. The appearance of my home doesn’t matter…trivial things disappear. Unfinished conversations and overdue obligations and fleeting emotions are gone. For just a while, I become only aware of only what matters in the moment….the expression of my truth. When I scrapbook, it puts me in touch with time on a larger scale. When I look at some of my pages, I see the movement of my life, the beauty of all its seasons good and bad, the faces of dear companions. The pages illustrate my faith; a holy awareness of truth and beauty and all that is good. My albums encourage me to ask: What gifts am I finding in my life today? What moments are hidden blessings? What am I learning? How am I celebrating?

I have had friends of mine who are surprised that I have documented the demise of my marriage and the other personal struggles I have had along the way. It’s a part of being authentic. Good or bad it’s part of my story and my story includes areas that are dark, painful and ugly. It's all apart of the process of living and growing, and learning. It has shaped and formed elements of my character that I love and admire. I don’t think you really know someone’s true character until they have experienced some form of adversity. How you deal with adversity really shows who you really are not who you pretend to be. Sometimes I just have those hard days where nothing is happening fast enough…where everything is moving to slow and I’m tired of people telling me to be patient.
It is those hard days when my life becomes both a prayer and a lesson. In a lot of ways, I guess I use scrapbooking as a way to help me regain my focus, to get reconnected with what is important. It induces me to accept the lessons and stillness, and craziness of life and it brings me full circle back to what is essential. Life’s knots are all too familiar: stress, fatigue, irritability, tension, hurt, pain, disappointment, anger, too much to do, too little time, and too many demands. If we can stay connected to what is important, we can keep from getting tangled in the knots. Beauty, hope, and miracles…sometimes they slip away or get lost in our memories or in the day to day busy-ness of life. The gift of scrapbooks is that they hold these gifts for us on the days

Just the words I needed to hear....

2008-05-06T08:25:00.000-05:00

Remember what a bad mood I was in yesterday? Well…let’s say today I feel like I big ray of sunshine! I had a 2-part conversation with “Mr. Sweep me off my feet”. Part 1 of our conversation happened on my way home from work and I was really upset and ready to read him the riot act! (Well not really….he’s kind of hard to be mad at…) then I went home and did the mommy a/k/a "superhero" routine and got the kids ready for bed but in the back of my mind was our earlier conversation. I was making a “mental list” of everything I wanted to say to “set him straight”…then it happened..he called (like he said he would…don’t you just love a man who does what he says he’s gonna do…I digress) and it was as if he knew I had a bad day. We didn’t even discuss our earlier conversation, instead he told me the things he wanted to say and honestly…the things I have wanted to hear….he left me satisfied but definitely wanting more (I told you…he’s a bit of a tease…)

Bad start...

2008-05-05T16:54:00.000-05:00

Bah Humbug Monday.
I am in a really foul mood and I don’t know why. Nothing’s wrong just woke up feeling funky. Yesterday really wore me out. Sometimes motherhood is just overwhelming. I had to pick the kids up from their dad’s yesterday and of course it didn’t go well. We just do not get along and I just really can’t stand him. It sucks to say that but he really gets on my nerves. I told him I’d be picking the kids up early because we had 2 birthday parties to go to. When I get to the house, my daughter comes outside grinning from ear to ear with a head full of uncombed hair!!! WTH!!!!! Then my oldest son has his school uniform pants on!! WTH again!!! This simple individual proceeds to tell me he didn’t know how to do Jada’s hair (use a brush and a comb and pull towards you into a ponytail holder…IDIOT!!!). Then when I ask why my son’ has on his pants from Friday, he says well I bought Christian pants but I don’t want to send them home to your house so he can just wear what he came here in…I swear to you I wanted to really hurt him. (See in my head, I really wanted to kick the “u know what” out of his stupid motorcycle but I’m not a violent person…just one who hates foolishness). It’s stupid stuff like that makes me crazy. This is a 39 year old man who acts like a child. Unbelievable why I ever married such an ass. (I told you I’m in a really foul mood). Sometimes I wish he would just go away…this is what sucks about divorce. I really prefer never to see this idiot again but I happened to have 3 children with this fool so I’m tied to him forever. It’s like a shackle. I hate every minute of it. Every chance he gets he does something to try and hurt me, belittle me, make me feel insignificant…the list goes on and on. It’s hard to maintain civility when the other person is so ignorant. The irony is that he seems to get angrier at me the more he sees me moving on with my life. I don’t understand this at all. Is this some silly man thing? He said he didn’t want to married to me anymore, he said he didn’t want me anymore; he said he didn’t love me anymore so what the hell is the problem. You got what you wanted…so move on with your life already & leave me the hell alone! (again…I tried to warn you…I’m in a bad mood).
In any case, I spent my Sunday at 2 birthday parties. One at the Build a bear workshop (where my daughter proceeded to have a fit because I wouldn’t get her doggy a “diamond” doggie collar and a pink doggie bed to match), Christian was fine he wanted his bear to look like a “boy bear” so he got a Spiderman Costume (of course) and Elijah could care less, he just wanted to play with stuff….After that we walked around the mall where they proceeded to beg me to ride the train and the merry go round (another 12 bucks), then of course, everyone was thirsty (I forgot to pack my “in case kids act crazy kit”) & hungry (because of course the party had pizza and I seem to have the only kids in America who don’t like pizza). By this time, I am just frazzled beyond belief. The party had about 30 kids trying to customize their teddy bears in a space made for about 10…it was crowded, loud and chaotic. I was exhausted after I got everyone in the car. Then we headed to Jessica’s to celebrate Brian’s b-day. Brian just had cake and ice cream at the house but again...kids and sugar equals loud, loud loud again. Lucky for me…this time the kids (except Elijah) went outside to scream at the top of their lungs…by this time all of the moms and dads are in the living room just talking having a little wine. (For some odd reason...the conversation was about "Mr. Sweep me off my feet". Let's just say everyone had something to say....) I left her house around 8pm (so the kids are already past their bedtime). I had to rush home, get everyone ready for bed and try to get myself presentable for a long day of work (Monday’s after the end of the month are enough to make you want to just drink and drink). I was so exhausted; I barely had energy to take a bath. Thank God for Lush Bath Bombs!!! I popped on in the tub and almost feel asleep in the water. Those things are so relaxing and tranquil. I gave myself a mini facial and went to bed….my kids were so tired this morning I had to wake them up! That almost never happens….if this is how my week is starting….I am in trouble…
…

TOO MANY QUESTIONS....

2008-05-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

Is there such thing as liking someone too soon? That’s the question of the day. You know how much I like to question things so here’s some food for thought…I actually like this man. I want this man. This is scary for me because it’s something I’m not used to. I’m usually more cautious, more guarded, more reserved than this. I feel wide open, vulnerable and that scares me. I mean I don’t really know this man’s intentions do I? I know what I think he wants but I really don’t know (do you understand what I mean? I tend to ramble when my thoughts are all across the board). I feel like I’m in un-chartered waters here. Anyone who knows me knows that I am overly cautious…especially now! I’m not the spontaneous one of the group. There is a part of me that feels this need to pull back because that would be the logical thing to do BUT… I don’t want to because it just feels too good to me. What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way about this man at this time? I can’t answer any of those questions but all I know is...every time I talk to him I find something new to like. I have just determined that I have a serious crush on this man. (Can I call it that? I’m not sure that even adequately describes it but it’s the word I’ll use for now) He is a control freak with one too many rules for my taste but again that’s manageable. I think that’s a defense mechanism for him. Very intriguing…very sexy…a complete turn on….but I’m getting carried away so I’ll move on.
…It’s Friday and I had plans to hang out with Veronica but they are up in the air now…it’s pouring down rain and I know all I am going to want to do when I get home is get in my bed and watch my Law & Order SVU, and Grey’s Anatomy episodes for the past 2 weeks. I know exciting right? Despite the fact that I get out from time to time I actually like being at home especially when it is quiet and empty. There is something about silence that I just love (must be the fact that I have 3 noisy kids at home all of the time!) I think V & I will hook up on Saturday, I need to go shopping, get a manicure/pedicure (couldn’t get a last minute spa appointment), and I am really in the mood for some tapas. We love to grab Sangria and tapas. It’s guilt free eating (since everything is in smaller portions…never mind the fact that we usually get 4-5 different items…that’s besides the point!). V has a lot on her plate with the party coming up soon. I’ve done my part and I’m officially out of it…Thank God…that’s just not my thing… I don’t like that kind of stuff…I always feel like I’m in a room full of fast talking hustlers…
I have so much stuff to do…somehow I got suckered into being the chairperson to handle all the kids graduation festivities…I got a lot to do….How do I always get suckered into these things? It was so much easier when I stayed at home…I could drop the kids off at school and spend the day at PTA meetings, volunteering for stuff, picking up cupcakes and all that stuff…I still do these things…it just takes more time management skills. I’m still trying to perfect that. Life really is about figuring out how to juggle it all sometimes…I’m still working on that.
This month is so crazy…the kids have 2 birthday parties on Sunday, Mother’s day is next weekend (I still have no idea what to get my mom…I think a trip the spa is in the works…), I’m going to rendezvous with Mr. Sweep me off my feet, I still have to finalize plans for Christian’s birthday party, then of course…there is the Sex & the City Party (all time will stand still for this weekend…!!!), and to top it all off I have classes to teach at the store, 2 of my girlfriends are having birthdays…graduations and proms for other family members…good grief….I can’t wait to get away from it all for a minute.

Something tells me that in a just a couple of weeks…I am going to get the relaxation I’ve been craving… but again I digress ….Enjoy your weekend!