Seasons Change

Living in Chicago, you are lucky if you get to experience all 4 seasons. Normally you just get Winter and Summer with a about a month of Fall and Spring. Fall is in the air now and I’m noticing what an incredible metaphor for life each change of season has. It’s a period of transition…much similar to what has been happening in my own life. I wrote a blog earlier in year called the power of one word. In that blog, I spoke about choosing a word that described what you wanted for your life for the year. I do this instead of having New Year’s resolutions. It tends to hold me more accountable for reaching my goals. My word for this year was STEP. Quite simply, it was my intention to STEP into everything God had for me this year. What I didn’t realize is that in order to do that I also needed to STEP away from some things as well. I wanted to STEP into a new life, new independence, new freedom, new love and honestly new joy. I had spent the past few years putting my life back together one piece at a time but over the past few seasons I had realized I hadn’t stepped away from the things that prevented new growth in my own life’s garden.
In Winter
Winter reveals what’s dead in your life. Winter kills things that aren’t strong enough to grow in the cold. Winter showed me all of the things that were dead in my life. My marriage, some friendships, some baggage from failed relationships. I hadn’t stepped away from the pain and shame of a failed marriage, I hadn’t stepped away from the words I allowed my ex to impart in me as he walked out the door (“No one will ever want you…you’re damaged goods....), I still hadn’t let go of relationships that didn’t satisfy me or my needs. I was still holding on to dead weight, especially in a friendship that I held very dear to my heart. I had walked away from a life and a marriage that didn’t honor me but I was still wandering around trying to figure it out as I went along. I was “going with the flow” but like a hamster in a wheel…I wasn’t moving anywhere.
In Spring
Spring brings about a new birth. The dead things in life’s garden are gone and you begin to plant new seeds… pulling up weeds and other things that kill things that need to grow. I was beginning to plant new seeds in my garden…but pesky weeds kept popping up. Grey area weeds, ex husband weeds, friends who were dragging me down type of weeds, self inflicted weeds. I knew it was time to get my garden in order. Things had been dead so long in my life’s garden and I was tired of it…I was ready to see new life bloom. Something started to shift at the end of spring…my trip to Mexico brought a new clarity and a new focus that I had not previously had. I began to walk away from grey area relationships; I begin to actually deal with the pain, hurt and anger I still had towards my ex. I begin to really focus on what I wanted and how I intended to get it. After all…this was supposed to be the year right? It was about time I stopped waiting for something to happen and start making things happen. I had to take a long look in the mirror and see things I didn’t want to see…my own faults, my own contradictions, my own frailties and deal with them honestly. It hasn’t been easy…many times it has hurt like hell and been very painful. I’ve been criticized for it, mocked because of it but at the end of the day…it’s my journey and I have to walk my own path, tell my own story and live my own truth. I started to find my voice, my stride and my focus again and I could feel myself getting stronger as summer began.
In Summer
Summer gets hot and if you aren’t careful to water your garden things will wilt and die. You have to nurture it constantly with living water. I found myself neglecting my garden and things were wilting away. I was neglecting my plan to leave relationships that didn’t honor me, allowing my ex and his hurtful words to hinder me, allowing friends to drag me down again. I lost focus around the middle of summer but thanks to an abrupt and rude awaking while out of town…I found my stride once again and faithfully pulled those weeds from my garden and began to water it with encouragement, love, and faith. This was my life’s garden and I was the only one responsible for it. It would be up to me to make my garden fruitful, fragrant and beautiful. Little did I know that God was planting a new seed in my garden and I had no idea how much it would grow.
In Fall
Now here it is…fall and I can see my finish line ahead. I’m finally at peace with the end of my marriage (even if he isn’t), I let go of blame and embrace forgiveness (even when it’s not asked of me), I’m finally walking into my own independence and standing on my own two feet (Thank God for a wonderful support system!), dead relationships and the baggage that came with them are a thing of the past. I still have a friendship that I need to let go of but that seems to be the hardest of all. How do you say goodbye to a friend you have had since you were children? I love her dearly but I hate who she has become and in trying to talk to her…she reminds me of my ex. The one who takes no responsibility for her actions, the one who thinks everyone else is the problem not her, the one who wants you to save her, etc. Do I just walk away from the friendship or do I stay? I’m still praying for clarity on that one…and as for love…I’m walking through love’s door with a man who has been everything I have asked for and more. I’ve found my stride…my joy, my voice and my faith again.

I’m learning to embrace the seasons in my life and all they have to teach me.

To serve and protect? ....well maybe?

To serve and protect is the motto used by most in Law Enforcement and lately the motto has gotten me to thinking…isn’t this what we want when it comes to our intimate relationships? I mean at least speaking as a woman, it is my heart’s desire that when the man I choose to love walks into my life…I want to be served and protected. Now before you get hung up on the “serve” part…allow me to explain. When we choose to become a twosome instead of just riding solo we agree to a certain extent to serving our partners. Romantic relationships in many ways are like ministries of service. Just ask any happily married couple. In good, healthy marriages, each partner understands that service comes with the title. Healthy relationships grow and survive when each partner understands the other partners needs and “serves” them in that capacity. I mean think about it…we rely on our local law enforcement to serve us by keeping our neighborhoods, communities, and our children safe from harm and outside influences right? Why don’t we rely on our partners to do the same with our hearts, minds and bodies? I want the man in my life to serve me with love, compassion, romance, kindness, gentleness, honestly and with an immense amount of integrity and quiet strength and a healthy dose of those much required intimacy that my heart, mind and body crave. In turn…I want to serve my potential with the same things. I want to serve him with a nurturing and generous heart, my loyalty…I want to serve him with a gentle disposition, a joyful spirit and peaceful mind. I want to serve him like the woman in Proverbs 31. So… think about it again…is service part of your requirement when entering a potential relationship? What and How much are we willing to give?”
About 1 month ago, my neighbor was robbed in front of my house as I was coming home from a late night date. I saw the two guys walking down the block and waited until they passed my house before I went inside. My neighbor (a guy) pulled up at the same time and immediately got out of his car and headed into his home. It was then he was hit with a gun and robbed. I was right there but luckily for me…I had stayed in my car. As my neighbor ran up to me to fear in his eyes…I knew exactly what to do. I immediately called the police. We are trained from the time we are very young to call the police when you are in harm’s way or have been harmed. Why? Because police are there to protect you from these events and to come to your aid when these types o f events have occurred. The same holds true when in relationships. I want my potential S/O to protect me. I want him to protect my heart from heartache and harm. Can I call you when I’m in need? When I need you to comfort me…when I need you to hold me and or kiss me…when I need someone to talk to about job stress or parenting stress…when I need to laugh or when I need to cry…on the days when I don’t need anything but you and a glass of wine…Will you respond right away or will you take your time and get there when you get there? In turn…I want to protect him and his heart. I want to protect his dreams and his vision for our family…our future. I want to protect his mind and his spirit and remind him of how great he is no matter how the world looks at him. I want to protect his home and his children by making our home a place of peace and refuge. I want to protect his ego by letting him know he is admired, desired and appreciated.
The entire idea of the police protecting has fallen by the wayside especially in our communities because of one very simple thing…lack of trust. We don’t trust the police. We don’t think they have the best of intentions and we consistently give them a “side eye” because there is so much negative stuff out there about them. The same holds true in relationships. I have to trust you with my heart before you can protect it. I have to freely give it to you and again…that requires trust. I’m not that trusting with my heart anymore. Like most folks feel about the police…I guess you could say I feel the same way about men. I’m not good at trusting them. To say I have trust issues would be an understatement but hey…I’m still a work in progress and I still have much work to do in that area. I often wonder what it will take for me to let go of those pesky “trust” issues and just freely give my heart to someone again. Right now…I got a potential that is slowly working his way into my heart but I feel those trust issues floating back up….sometimes we can sabotage something good when we allow our past baggage to get in the way of something new. We’ve often talked about “taking the lessons…and leaving the baggage” but how do you really let it go? For me…I know more than anything that “the baggage” has caused me to make some critical dating mistakes and has often had me in relationships that were beneath me and were contrary to what I know I want and deserve. Baggage weighs you down and you can’t fly and soar the relationship friendly skies with too much luggage. There is a limit to the bags you can carry.
Right now…my mind and my heart are in a real good place and I feel open to this latest dating experience…more than I ever have before… but ever y now and then…the fear creeps back up…I feel the pull of those Gucci bags and want to pick them back up again …I find a reason to take a step back and once again put up a wall around my heart. My heart and the love that lies within it are too sensitive and fragile to get hurt again but isn’t that part of the risk?
Am I ready to serve and protect? Maybe….I just gotta get past the fear first.

Do men know how to date anymore?

Remember when you were a teenager and a guy would ask you out? I remember being giddy when a guy I liked asked me out. I would make sure I had the perfect 1st date outfit, and put together my own cute girl look for the evening and wait for my date to pick me up and take me out. Our dates were much simpler then…movies…an amusement park etc…but back then the guy would hold my hand or give me that look J, he was affectionate and always made me feel like he was as thrilled to be on a date with me as I was with him. But now that I’m grown…things seem different.

Ok…now I know I’m gonna get the men all riled up (and not in a good way…LOL) BUT…yall need to step ya dating game up. I’m sorry…I know yall are all fly and got your stuff together but these dates are just not doing it for me. What happened to some creativity when planning a date? Or maybe the ladies haven’t communicated what we want in this dang dating game? Maybe it’s a combination of both? Hmmm…I don’t know…all I know is I’m left unsatisfied by most dates because of the lack of creativity shown in planning them. So in the effort to be completely transparent…I will let the fellas in on my personal dating delights…for future reference of course!

Fellas…please do not ask me out unless you actually have something PLANNED to do! There is nothing worse than a guy asking you out only to say, “So…whatcha wanna do?”….HELLO? Didn’t you just ask me out? I’m just saying…have a plan before you ask.

Contrary to popular belief...if you plan something extremely extravagant the likelihood of you getting a 2nd date is damn near non-existent. I don’t need you to try and buy my affections…This isn’t one of those dating reality shows…I don’t need to go up in a helicopter to know if you dig me or not? I wanna date that gives me a glimpse into your personality. See if there is any chemistry or not…ya know?

Keep it interesting & creative. Let’s try something new for a change. I would love for a guy to ask me to do something other than “dinner/drinks/movie”. That’s boring to me…let’s get out and have some fun…especially while the weather is warm. During our phone conversations prior to the date...find out what I like and what my interests are so you can plan something I will like. I like a "take charge" kinda man...

Chivalry will get you everywhere with me. Again…while most men seem to think the age of the independent woman has killed chivalry…I’m a true girly girl looking for a real gentleman so…having said that…step your gentlemen game up fellas!

If you are in to me…you should let me know it! Don’t try to play that cool shit with me cause it is a turn off. I like to feel desired…so don’t be afraid to be affectionate with me. I love it…hold my hand…put your arm around me…trust your instincts with me…cause I will show you if I’m digging you.

BE ON TIME! Nothing irritates my “type A” personality more than someone who is late.

Dress the part. Ok...seriously…we are all grown nowadays…so leave the “jeans and a white T” at home! If I’m going out with you…I’m trying to keep it grown and sexy with you so let’s just clean it up for a change! I’m not saying you got to wear a suit and tie but dayum…can you put something together that makes me look at you and say…Dayum he looks good! I’m just saying…

Let’s talk….Like I’ve said…I am on the date because I want to get to know you. Talk to me about what your have passion for and what drives you? Talk to me about the randomness that may roam through your mind. At the end of the date…what impression do you want to make with me? I love a man with an insightful and passionate mind. Truthfully…that’s what makes me hot! (Lol…I digress) but…seriously…I like a man who can hold a conversation too!

I got some more but I’ll hold them for now. Now I want to hear from you…

Ladies: What would you like to see from the fellas when dating? Are you as frustrated with dating as I am right now?

Fellas: Now I know I addressed this blog to you but I would like to hear from you as well. When dating…What makes a date with you so special? What are some of the things you have done with a woman on a date that you felt gave her a glimpse into who you are? Do you think I’m off base with this blog? Talk to me…keep it real…I can take it! LOL!

The Pleasure Chest or as I'd like to call it...."MY TRUNK"

I posted this awhile ago on FH but since I'm in a certain frame of mind...I thought I share with my blog fam and get your thoughts....

"You like…Don't be scared…You never saw me like this before huh? ….I been a goody daddy, but I don't have to be…If you don't want me to, I’ll be your nasty baby …No time for games, no rules just play...Hope you been thinking about the same thing …I'm just sayin'what's on my mind…It's been good, but now it's time…To show love what we made of …No time for games, no rules just play…I hope you want me in the same way"…-“All I” by Jill Scott

A while back, the FH fam had a discussion about sex toys and self pleasure and it was there I that I shared the story of “the trunk”. For those that missed those discussions, I’ll take this post to further explain it. The Trunk, well at least mine, is a pleasure chest of sorts….let’s call it a “sexual goodie bag”. Most women have a trunk, chest, or drawer of sorts and every woman’s trunk contains different contents depending on the person. It’s my opinion that the most intense lovemaking sessions come from using all 5 senses: Sight, Smell, Sound, Touch and Taste.

Sight
As for me…my trunk contains one of my secret addictions…my love for lingerie. There I said it…I love lingerie and I buy it often and usually in ridiculous quantities. I usually binge shop. I take a break from it then when I get into my favorite lingerie spot…I binge and wind up coming home with more goodies to add to the trunk. Lingerie makes me happy, makes me feel sexy, desirable and like I said…I’m a girly girl at heart so….blame my addiction on the woman in me…LOL! My tastes are a visual smorgasbord full of pieces that hint at the type of woman I am…For the romantic in me…there is something flirty, pretty, and sheer. For the conservative/”type A” personality there is something classic, silk or satin with a matching robe. For the sexpot in me...there is something red, lacy, hot…usually garters and high heels are a necessity with these pieces. And lastly for the vixen/naughty girl in me…there is fantasy wear…something raunchy (the double D’s may be exposed at this point) and maybe even… dare I say….freaky. However, Lingerie isn’t the only thing that fills the trunk.

Smell
I love to set the mood. Life moves fast and when I rest…that’s just what I want to do...REST. There are times when I’m alone and the kids are gone and I proceed to get my favorite scented candles and light them all around. It’s tranquil, peaceful and since I’m a huge believer in aromatherapy…they calm me and enable me to just relax and be. I love candlelight…I think it’s incredibly romantic and soft (like me…LOL!). When I have been in a relationship, I have often loved those moments…those soft, romantic, peaceful moments when I’m resting in my man’s arms and my head is right at his neck and I can just smell him. He’s strong, he’s masculine, sexy…he may be wearing cologne or he may just be fresh from our bath...either way…I love the way he smells. It’s intoxicating. I do wear perfume on occasion but I’m a self professed skin freak so I usually tend to layer up my scents with my bubble bath, body gel, body butter and body spray. It’s light…not overpowering but just enough to entice you to come closer…

Touch
I am a extremely passionate person and usually love lots of foreplay….Kissing, touching, lots of skin on skin contact will get the blood racing through my veins and heighten every erogenous zone in my body until I’m ready to explode….For those moments…there are oils, feathers, bath bombs, bubble baths, and even…dare I say again…a few toys for your viewing pleasure. It is in these moments…these intensely passion filled moments…that it truly is all about you. I want nothing more than to experience you…touch you…kiss you…feel you. I think there is nothing sexier than the closeness and intimacy shared during these moments.

Taste
Now for this you may have to get into your kitchen for some of these. It has been said that there are some foods that are aphrodisiacs. I’m not sure about it but what I will say is there is something sexy about playing with your food when you are an adult…LOL! Everyone enjoys something different…some start off with a sexy meal followed by dessert. Some like chocolate...others caramel. Some enjoy fruit and fondue…strawberries/champagne…wine…whatever your pleasure….add it to the chest. Feeding your mate or having your mate feed you can be the perfect prelude to an intense passionate kiss…leading to the start of the “show”.

Sound
Finally…break out your IPod. Put a playlist together of the songs that make you feel sexy…songs you may want to perform to (obvious Flirty girl reference). Share a slow dance with your mate. Either way... get close and enjoy those songs. Its one thing to listen and groove to your favorite slow jam…it’s another to say you have experienced something equal or better than the lyrics of your favorite song.

I’m not saying you need all these things when you make love…I’m just saying it can make the experience even more pleasurable. At the end of the day…the contents of your trunk should contain all the things you enjoy and would like to share with the one you are in a relationship with…

So I will ask my blog fam the same question I asked my FH fam....

Ladies: Do you have a trunk? What’s in it? Do you change it up from time to time? Come on let's dish...
Gentlemen: If you could pick the contents of your woman’s “trunk”, what would you want to see in it? Or…do you think the trunk is unnecessary...meaning you just wanna do it?

I'm a hot girl!

Ok…it’s time for true confession here. I’m a hot girl! I mean a very hot girl! There is a yearning inside of me for the touch, kiss, and thrust of a man. I mean is that a bad thing? No…not necessarily …but I can’t help it. I don’t know what’s been going on with me lately but my sexual appetite and desire has kicked into high gear and it’s frustrating the hell out of me because I can’t release those “frustrations” with someone else on a regular. I don’t know if it’s because of the pole dancing classes I’ve been taking lately or my new shape (courtesy of working out like a fool) but I have been craving a man’s lips and hands across my body…my waist…my hips…my inner thigh…my neck…my lower back…ok I’ll stop. What is it about a black man’s touch that just raises my body temperature? His lips…his stare…his skin…the commanding nature of his voice? Hmm…maybe it’s all that and then some but I am craving a brother right now to hold me…kiss me…and thrust himself inside of me with nothing but passion and desire. I want to get my hair messed up (maybe even pulled)…I want to wear some of this damn lingerie I keep buying (another addiction)…I want something passion filled…overflowing with desire…sweaty and hot…rough and tender all at the same time. WTH is going on with me. I’ve had moments where sex has not been plentiful (after all I was married! LOL) but I can’t remember feeling the type of yearning that I have been feeling lately. I mean I’m dating but I’m trying with all my might not to take it there too soon…just waiting on the right time and the right one but I swear when he shows up…I’m gonna wear him out…sorry! I just had to say it how I feel it this time…LOL! I told ya I was feeling hot!

Living a authentic life...is the goal...

The one thing lacking in black relationships or perhaps relationships in general is a lack of transparency in how we communicate our thoughts, feelings, and ideas to one another. I have often said that at the root of most of our relationship issues is what I call the “fear factor”. It’s a fear of being over exposed, the fear of telling our story and our own truth for fear of being criticized and/or judged. Have you ever “put yourself out there” only to regret it later? I suppose it’s all part of the risk involved in any relationship.

I have struggled with fear in some of my relationships but transparency has never been an issue for me. I tell my story, live my own truth (even when it’s inconsistent and confused…sometimes that’s just what life can be) and stand firm in my beliefs, wants and desires. Lately…folks want to attack me for that truth but it’s ok. My truth is just that…MINE. I share myself…and my story because I can…I want to…and it helps me continue to evolve and learn something different about myself. I want to be open, honest and free in how I live my life, how I express myself and honestly…how I love. It’s funny because most expect me to be so guarded and so closed off…most expect me not to talk about my marriage’s failure so graphically because it’s so raw but for me…I’ve never been afraid of folks judgment or opinions. In fact, I welcome all of them. Let’s talk, let’s dialogue, let’s get to the heart of an issue and deal with it. That’s how I roll and I make no apologies for it.

Living an authentic life is living a life transparent…I can allow you a peak…a glimpse into my world and you can decide if you want to be a part of it or not but I guarantee you once there…there will be no surprises. I treat all of my relationships this way…friendships, family and love relationships…even my relationships with fellow bloggers. I think of bloggers like Miz, Curvy Girl, CareyCarey and LoveBabz…I love reading their writing because I feel it…I feel the pain, the struggle, the victories, the overwhelming love that comes through their writing and I am amazed at the strength, courage, tenacity that we all are capable of as a result of our life experiences. By being open and fearless in their writing I’m encouraged in my own life. I’ve never met any of them but yet I feel connected with them because they write with honesty, from real experiences and with complete transparency.

This journey back to me has been full of so many life lessons that I have had to learn. Some have been very painful and hurtful, some have brought me immense joy but all have helped me get one step closer to the truth…my own truth…finding my voice again and being ok with how it sounds. The journey is ongoing and the road gets bumpy but my faith never waivers and my optimism never ceases no matter what naysayer think about it…our journey’s are different as are our stories. Living my life as open, authentic and honest as possible is my goal. Staying true to who I am part of the journey…take it or leave it…

always on the grind...

I’m so tired…I’m burning the candles at both ends. Working 10 hour days without a break some days, racing home to pick up kids and make sure they are fed, bathed, read too, etc until bedtime, trying to get back to my “hot girl” status at the gym, trying to enjoy my friends, and maybe even a date here and there…maintain my look, keep my spirit exercised and my mind mentally stimulated…Damn yall I’m tired. There are days like today where I just feel like I need more than one of me. Right now I got so many things going on and it seems like the days keep flying by…school starts soon and this year is gonna be a killer! I got 3 kids in 3 different school s at 3 different parts of the city! WTF! Trying to find adequate education in this city is damn near criminal. Not to mention…my daughter can’t go to kindergarten at my son’s school because she turns 5 on Sept 2nd…not Sept 1st…even though the 1st day of school isn’t until the 8th! WTF! So now I had to choose between keeping her back a grade or pay for private school. Well that’s a no-brainer! The little mini diva is more than ready so she’s going to private school that’s costing me $400/month! Now that’s not including the $550 fundraising obligation, $300 materials fee and cost of supplies, uniforms and all that…combine that with another $350 that I have to pay for my youngest and his daycare along with their $300 fundraising fee, and my oldest who only has a $250 fundraising fee…are you doing the math? EXACTLY! What the hell is a parent supposed to do? I’ve worked my ass off…hustled…networked and made appropriate connections to get my kids into the best schools and I’ve watched them excel. It makes it worth it…but honestly FAM…I’m tired and financially spent…it feels overwhelming at times. Somehow I’ve always been able to make it work but sometimes…just sometimes…I wish I had some damn help. 3 schools, 3 different school calendars, and 3 sets of PTA’s…damn can they clone me 3 times!? I’m just saying…when does this mom get a damn break! (I feel Mexico/Jamaica/Caribbean/any where but here…calling me)…